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to want to apologise to my son

(67 Posts)
WTFisWrongWithMe Tue 12-Feb-13 11:12:18

I have nc because I'm ashamed.

My lovely lovely 8YO DS who is an absolutely delightful bright happy kind and sensitive boy is ever so slightly clumsy. He drops things and spills liquids, not on purpose. I am an impatient person and it takes a lot of conscious effort for me not to get angry when this happens.

This morning I put a glass of milk in front of him and kind of joked 'be extra careful not to spill it'; as I reached the sink he was already behind me grabbing a cloth. Not a word said. I turn around and followed him to the table to see the milk spilled all over the table.

I lost it. Oh my god how I lost it. I went on and on about I expected better of him as he wasn't a 2 year old anymore. I was purely and simply NASTY and even though I knew it at the time, I just couldn't stop. I went on for about 2 minutes, just throwing vitriol at him and being disproportionately angry. I told him he wouldn't get his computer time that day as punishment because I had had enough.

I am so sad I did that to him and so ashamed I haven't stopped crying all morning. I really couldn't wish for a better son so why do I treat him like this?? I was vile, really vile. I wasn't physical except I did shove him out of my way and snatched the cloth off his hands to wipe the milk myself.

He apologised very sincerely. About 20 minutes later I apologised to him and I said that my reaction was ridiculous and that I shouldn't have spoken to him the way I did. I told him of course he wasn't punished and he would get his computer time because he had done nothing wrong. He just said 'it's okay mummy'.

But I know it's not okay. It's over now and I did apologise but I feel so awful that this could be one of his memories of me when he grows up. I just wish I could erase it but I can't.

Do you react like this sometimes or is it just me?

I want to write a short card of apology to him so that he knows I'm truly sorry and that he did nothing wrong. Is this a good idea you think?

jkklpu Tue 12-Feb-13 12:34:10

Why don't you make pancakes at home and ask him to help, including by pouring in the milk and mixing the batter?

mrsjay Tue 12-Feb-13 12:35:02

your son has a loving mum who was cross and frustrated we have all done this at some point or we will do it , you apologised for it and it is ok to be a litte frustrated at time you son will not be scarred by this honestly he wont be

SocialClimber Tue 12-Feb-13 12:36:04

YABU at buying pancakes though. Sacrilege.

AvonCallingBarksdale Tue 12-Feb-13 12:37:32

OP, does my 8yo DS actually live in your house in a parallel universe?! And are you, in actual fact, actually me??! You've done the right thing in apologising to your DS - think it's good for them to see that parents F up sometimes. Make him some lovely pancakes tonight and have a big cuddle smile

WTFisWrongWithMe Tue 12-Feb-13 12:40:30

Okay about the pancakes. About a month ago we got an induction cooker and I'm not getting on with it AT ALL. I think experimenting with pancakes is a bad idea, so I have bought them. In my defense, they're chocolate filled pancakes from M&S. My DS will be delighted smile.

Maryz Tue 12-Feb-13 12:42:09

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

mrsjay Tue 12-Feb-13 12:42:23

they're chocolate filled pancakes from M&S. My DS will be delighted

you get chocoate filled pancakes grin

Wewereherefirst Tue 12-Feb-13 12:43:39

I want ready made pancakes. I am an awful tosser grin

SocialClimber Tue 12-Feb-13 12:44:04

Haha, let you off then. Induction cookers take an age to get used to.

Now I want chocolate filled pancakes...

Pandemoniaa Tue 12-Feb-13 12:45:48

You sound like a lovely, caring parent who just had one of those "ffs!" moments and you've already apologised to your ds for going over the top this morning. He won't be psychologically scarred precisely because he knows that you love him by your reaction to what happened this morning. I don't think you need to compensate by more than your apology either.

I know how frustrating it is to have a rather clumsy child too. ds2 could be relied upon to spill things or have other, seemingly avoidable incidents. I used to take extra care to give him heavier mugs and not tall, flimsy glasses but every now and again I'd just think "why, ffs, why?" when I watched his elbows dip into his dinner plate yet again. He coped remarkably well though (he's not a clumsy adult as it happens) and recognised his own limitations with certain things so would just say "I would pass the gravy, Grandad but I'm not very reliable with it?"!

nickelbabe Tue 12-Feb-13 12:45:59

I know this thread is about how you lost your temper, but if he's always clumsy like that, might it be possible he has dyspraxia?

valiumredhead Tue 12-Feb-13 12:46:02

Induction cookers are FAB but you need to keep them very very low. Once you are used to them you will never want anything else. I cooked on my dad's gas hob last month and it felt pre historic grin

WTFisWrongWithMe Tue 12-Feb-13 12:47:08

I have already ruined the wok and two frying pans. It's costing me a fortune this cooker. It was my DH's idea and I was lured by how easy it would be to clean it wink. Nightmare to cook with it though...

valiumredhead Tue 12-Feb-13 12:48:10

Are you using the right saucepans? We had to replace all of ours initially as they wouldn't work.

mrsjay Tue 12-Feb-13 12:49:18

might it be possible he has dyspraxia?

^ ^ this is what I thought it could have been my dd at 8 and I used to shout at her for it blush

mrsjay Tue 12-Feb-13 12:49:36

oh and what are induction cookers then?

EssexGurl Tue 12-Feb-13 12:49:41

I was a bit like that with my 7yo yesterday morning. I did apologise at the time. But I also had a big chat with him last night to say sorry again and explain why I was upset with him. Normal stuff but also, DH away on business so was up at 5.30 when he left and couldn't get back to sleep. DS deliberately disobeyed me and it was really the final straw when it was snowing and trying to get 2 kids ready.

I think we all do it but I felt better for saying sorry again last night and having a "grown up" chat with him.

Wewereherefirst Tue 12-Feb-13 12:50:16

Yy to proper working pans that are suited to induction and fit over the hob itself, I learnt how to cook again when I got new induction pans!

Thumbwitch Tue 12-Feb-13 12:50:52

I would second Builtfor's suggestion.

If you say to someone, "Don't do X" the first thing they have to do is work out what X is before they can then not do it, by which time chances are they've set themselves up to do X.

So yes, find another way to ask him to be careful, that involves only positive phrasing (I'm not talking about Pollyanna language, just avoid using the word "Don't") "Please be careful with this cup" "Keep this upright and safe" "keep the table dry" etc. etc.

And forgive yourself but learn at the same time that it is something to avoid a repeat performance of - I get horribly frustrated with DS1 as well sometimes but try so so hard to keep a lid on it and always blame the behaviour, not the person.

crashdoll Tue 12-Feb-13 12:52:01

You lost it, then apologised. It happens. Stop beating yourself up over it. smile He sounds like a lovely boy and you sound like a lovely mum. Enjoy your chocolate pancakes!

miemohrs Tue 12-Feb-13 12:52:38

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

WTFisWrongWithMe Tue 12-Feb-13 12:55:25

nickelbabe. I think he is just a little clumsy like his dad really, no more to it than that. If I read about dyspraxia, sure he ticks some of the boxes, he's not particularly sporty, he's very slow at getting dressed and he can be very disorganised, just like his dad. However, he's a little math genious, excellent at writing amazing stories with really good handwriting and he is top of the class on everything. He learned to read by himself at age 3. He's not a natural sportsman but learned to ride his bike without stabilisers before he turned 4, so he can be balanced and co-ordinated. His artwork looks like it has been performed by a 4 year old and he cannot create anything with clay or plasticine. I'm no longer worried about that.

WTFisWrongWithMe Tue 12-Feb-13 12:58:55

What is an OT?

Thumbwitch Tue 12-Feb-13 13:00:05

OT = occupational therapist

tempnameswap Tue 12-Feb-13 13:00:16

I have been like this OP and, as lost of posters have said, you are only human and you have apologised. It is infuriating as it seems like they are just being careless and you are overstretched without having to clear up spilled stuff all the time.

I would draw a line under it - for children, overly emotional apologies can be worse than the shouting - try and have a fun pancake evening and take a deeper breath next time. You are not inherently evil in any way, just probably a bit tired and fed up!

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