What's the most appropriate birthday present for mil from hell

[plim]

So nothing new, my mil is a witch. I actually think she is very clever as she manipulates me, dh and her entire family like puppets on strings. Anyway, she hates me, offered me money not to marry dh, called dh two days before wedding begging him not to marry me saying he was making a huge mistake etc, that she was losing a son and then called me and told me a dark cloud has landed over her family and it's me. yada yada. I think it's because they are a family of top Drs and I didn't go to university - she brings that up a lot. I do however run a successful business but I am not what she hoped for. Anyway, on our wedding day she chucked a bottle of red wine over me - classy, she then ruined our wedding day by crying outside and then there was a fight between dh sister (a bridesmaid) and one of our family friends. Awful!

That's a very brief summary of ten years of hell. We agreed not o cut them off after much discussion and let them see the grandkids although she's starting her manipulative ways with the kids ( told my 7 yr old daughter that she shouldn't eat everything on her plate or she will end up like mummy) and tells my 4 yr old son to ask mummy if he can come and stay with her and she will give him lots of sweets etc etc. Anyway, trivialising for a moment - for the last three Xmas she has bought me the most obscure presents. A nailbrush from tk max with a bar of soap, following year a doormat, and this year a hand towel. Now, dh and I now laugh about it but it is a tad upsetting. It's her birthday next week.......what should I buy her?

[Flisspaps]

A broom.

It's the only fitting gift for a witch.

[plim]

That's quite good actually, I could get one of those old fashioned stick ones.....

[gordyslovesheep]

any of the following A nailbrush with a bar of soap, a doormat, and a hand towel

[Binkyridesagain]

A first class one way ticket to Fuck Off, I've heard It's lovely this time of year

[Sanjifair]

A wooden spoon. Sounds like she is a bit of a stirrer...

[JustGiveMeFiveMinutes]

She sounds horrific. I wouldn't bother with a present but if you must, I'm reminded that when my dog was recently on heat I purchased a can of 'bitch spray.'

[larks35]

Why buy her anything? If there's that much hate flying around what is the point? Your DH is her son and it is surely up to him to buy her a gift if he wants to. FWIW I really like my DP's mum but he decides what to get for her birthday not me, we're pretty poor so she just gets the joint present.

[Jemma1111]

A chair

The type you can plug in

[Maraki]

I wouldn't buy her anything, she doesn't deserve a present. Just give her a card (that is if you are forced to see her) and say that her present will follow in a few days as you were too busy lately to go to the shops. Then leave it at that.

[Itsjustafleshwound]

Kill her with kindness ... By rising above and not stooping to hwr level of manipulation just would send the message that you really don't give her or her behaviour a second thought ...

[HollyBerryBush]

Im finding it difficult that you can give her space in your head.

Her prezzie is surely her sons problem?

[CalamityKate]

My xMIL bought me a chemical dog toilet once.

Has your MIL got a dog?

[thebody]

Sorry but had to laugh at broom.

Seriously why on gods earth are you bothering to see this cow? Keep your children away. The comment about your dds weight is very very nasty.

Write her a goodbye from my life letter.

[foslady]

Copy of Macbeth......

[GregBishopsBottomBitch]

A donation to charity in her name, she isnt deserving enough to get the actual gift, but someone can benefit with her evilness.

[Cailinsalach]

Or how about a prayer book or any other devotional tome on love and stuff like that. You could highlight relevant passages that would remind her to um well feck off.

[plim]

Omg, crying with laughter here! Dh is rubbish and doesn't buy any presents. You're right, I should rise above it / not buy anything etc....but would be lovely to at least fantasise about sending her something naughty. She had her pelvic floor fixed last year.......perhaps some tena ladies

[Inertia]

Frankly, why bother? Why even make time in your life for her?

:) at bitch spray but I think the fallout from that would be immense.

Old-fashioned broom is a great suggestion - even fits the theme , following on from her practical presents to you .

The Toxic In-laws book that often gets recommended on here?

[Cailinsalach]

Oooh yes GregBishop...a goat!!!!

[plim]

Love the charity one.

[elliejjtiny]

My FIL gave his MIL a broom once

[MoonlightandRoses]

A copy of Charles Kingsleys' The Water Babies - with all of the passages involving DoAsYouWouldBeDoneBy highlighted?

[ScottyDoc]

A kick up the cunt.

[plim]

A goat - yes! A goat and a vintage broom.....