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To really be struggling with motherhood?

(38 Posts)
pinkoyster Mon 11-Feb-13 21:07:01

At a low point..

Mother to 2 beautiful sons. Married to a wonderful man, and lucky enough to be a SAHM. Youngest DC 6 weeks-ebf and oldest DC 2 years. A small age gap, and knew that it would be tough but didn't realise just how hard it would be. Today I had both of them crying on and off the entire day. Neither slept for longer than 10 mins (ds2 kept napping on me but would wake up screaming). He also has reflux which means I have to hold him upright after each feed, which gets DS1's back up as he wants to be cuddled/carried. I feel lousy and shit and inadequate. I don't think I have pnd as I don't feel like this when I'm not with them (the odd 30 mins I've had making a supermarket dash or going to the GP).

DS1 was a high needs baby-clingy, whiny and really difficult to amuse till he turned 18 months and was a delight to be with. Ds2 feels he will be the same, and I just despair that I have to go through this all over again for another year/18 months until life becomes bearable again.

Desperately looking for the light at the end of the tunnel!

Words of reassurance?

crazykat Tue 12-Feb-13 06:11:41

And FWIW I've now got four DCs aged 5,4,2 and 4 months and it took me about 8 weeks to take them out on my own for anything but the school run and that was only because I had to or I'd have stayed in the house.

RevoltingPeasant Tue 12-Feb-13 08:16:53

OP I don't have DC yet so should probably keep my big fat mouth shut, but...

- could your mother's help hold DC2 after the feed? That way it will help with his reflux but DC1 won't get so jealous?

- could you invite your mum to come stay for a week? My close friend is in your situation almost exactly and her mum comes and does midweek stays regularly, amuses the older child or helps cook or whatever.

Also you say you don't have pnd, but you are obviously having a tough time, so maybe just be kind to yourself and do the sort of things for yourself that you would do if you did have pnd - if that makes sense!! - like getting a half hour by yourself, making sure to get a friend over regularly to chat.

With my friend, we meet up for coffee 1-2xweek and I help mind the older boy whilst she bfs the younger. Would that help?

I don't mean me obvs grin

Offcolour Tue 12-Feb-13 15:33:29

Hi op, how are you today? Hope life's a little brighter. With regards to getting out with both kids, do you have a friend/relative who could help the first few times so you get your confidence up? Can you go to soft play/toddler group with a friend who can hold the baby/supervise ds1 if you need a hand? This is how I've managed to get out. I've also just tried to get it in perspective - what's the worst that can happen? If there's a disaster, I'll manage somehow and as long as no-one dies, I'll chalk it Jo to experience. So far, nothing terrible has happened, it isn't easy but getting out makes the days go much faster! And at the moment it's all about getting through the days for me....

pinkoyster Tue 12-Feb-13 15:50:31

I can't thank you all enough for the positive encouragement. Today has been better-my Mum's been here for most of the day after I made a tearful SOS to her last night. Typical that Ds2 has been sleeping all day instead of screaming the house down, and I'm sure she wonders what the fuss is all about!

My other problem is that whether as a result of the jealousy of another sibling or not, ds1 is getting more and more distant from me. Today I wanted to leave ds2 with my mum for an hour so I could take ds1 to the park and he was screaming the place down saying he didn't want me to go. He kept saying he wanted the mother's help and not me. In the mornings he doesn't ask for me anymore, but for DH. And also bedtimes he refuses to let me put to bed, but wants his dad. I feel so shit, like I've lost him. And by having another child, it seems I can't tend properly to either of them. Does this get better? Will ds1 accept me as he gets more used to the baby?

magimedi Tue 12-Feb-13 16:03:12

You haven't lost him. He's adjusting just as much as you are to a new member of the family.

When my DS was 2 & it was winter & he was bored and full of tantrums I used to give him a bath. Didn't matter what the time was, didn't always bother to wash him just lots of bath time play & that always sorted things. Water really can calm children.

RevoltingPeasant Tue 12-Feb-13 17:08:07

Pink I am not a mum yet but am 100% sure you haven't lost DS1. No way. You are his mum.

Could it be something like, he is worried about the new baby taking you away so is rejecting you first, sort of a thing?

Anyhow, I am sure it will pass - with my friend who is in your situ, her DC1 started suddenly acting out at nursery after DC2 was born. It settled within a month or two.

I know it is easy for others to say, but you just need to keep plugging on and it will get better, and DS1 will get over it. Any older sibling has to - I know - I'm the eldest of four grin

marriedinwhite Tue 12-Feb-13 23:02:59

If the mother's help isn't helping - would you be better off putting ds 1 into nursery for a couple of mornings a week - that will gradually translate into proper nursery.

You are doing the really hard bit and I don't care what anyone says two year olds react badly to a new sibling whether they have earth mothers or normal mothers.

It may be that the mother's help is the problem - not you and what you need is a cleaner twice a week and nursery twice a week. DS1 sounds confused by both new baby and the mother's help.

SamSmalaidh Tue 12-Feb-13 23:10:11

Can you palm the baby off on the mother's help as much as possible so you can do nice things with DS1?

Your DS is furious with you at the moment, but he will accept the new situation especially if he comes to see that the baby isn't replacing him (probably something he is terrified of, even if he can't put it in to words). If you are then trying to get the mother's help to take over with him while you spend time with the baby it will compound this. I would really try to get help with the baby and spend some time with DS1 while the baby is still too young to care too much.

JenaiMorris Tue 12-Feb-13 23:17:15

ds1 is growing up, not growing away from you. It's what children do of you're doing it right smile

I don't think my relationship with my one and only is completely dysfunctional when I say that it has had its ebbs and flows; under it all though it's utterly solid but it took a while to realise that and to not panic too much.

In a few months when ds2 is bigger, it will be easier for you to leave him with someone and go and do stuff with ds2 that is better suited to him.

I've only one child (now 12 YEARS old not months) so I might not be best placed to advise. I just remember a few times when ds and I weren't getting on brilliantly going off and doing something a bit out of the ordinary, just the two of us, and it doing us the world of good.

Vunsure Tue 12-Feb-13 23:34:59

Hi OP - just thought I'd echo everyone else and say it does get easier. My DCs are now almost 3 and 6 months. Baby was a complete nightmare with reflux for first few months and like yours screamed every night, all night. She is now 6 months and the happiest little thing. My DD1 is no longer as jealous and everyone is happier! Take care and know it will get better :-)

AmberSocks Tue 12-Feb-13 23:46:34

get a sling for the baby to keep him near you (which he will love)to keep your hands free,and also keep him upright which helps with reflux

Tryto doas much as you can with your eldest,even just sitting having a cuddle and watching a film is good,as long as you are spending time together and he doesnt feel left out,

I had 3 in 2 years,ad its all about multi tasking,also with a relatively small age gap,you could try to encourage them to nap at the same time,or just take them up to be when you know they are tired and all sleep together?

AmberSocks Tue 12-Feb-13 23:48:26

also i dont think you need to "palm your baby off" on anyone,your ds1 just probably wants to be involved,let him help you with the babies nappies and baths etc,spend time all the 3 of you together.

OneLieIn Wed 13-Feb-13 06:57:18

DS is two, that's why he is being unreasonable. Don't fight it unless you need to (for his safety or wellbeing).

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