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to end a pregnancy without DH's knowledge

(151 Posts)
uggbug Mon 11-Feb-13 20:15:42

Background: I am once of those idiots who I have always laughed at who has fallen PG by accident. After my DD2 I went on to Cerazette which made my hair fall out even more. Ditched it, made DH use condoms. He would (TMI) put it in pre the really exciting part to 'see how nice it feels'. Then take it and put condom on. Yes I am a fool, a twat and all those other things. I am 34 and have behaved like a thick 14 yr old. He said among other things (correctly)...'come on, it took 18 mths to get PG with DD2 - you're not going to get PG with some foreplay'. WRONG WRONG WRONG.

Anyway. Am PG. 2-3 weeks. 100% no more kids for me. Our marriage only just survived the last 2. He says he doesn't want any more, but I suspect when confronted with this situation may or may not be 1%+ in doubt of that. If I tell him, then insist on a very early (drugs) termination, I run the risk that he will secretly hate me for ever. Every time we talk about 'ha ha,2 is enough isn't it!' it will be tainted by this memory. He may see me as a hard bitch. It may break us in the long term?

I am considering just going to doc tomorrow and doing it. On my own. No support. Will have to go through it by myself. No 'lesson' for DH that you can't just push to have sex as you like and get away with it (I am taking equal responsibility here BTW).

BUT no guilt for me relating to him. He never knows. He is already stressed to the max at work. I know he should have a say, but what is the point if I AM NOT HAVING ANOTHER, EVER?

??? Flame away. I am agonising.

jojane Tue 12-Feb-13 18:59:41

I fell pregnant at the end of last year, we already have 3 aged 6 and under, so don't want anymore due to finances, space etc. I wasn't going to tell DH, went to doctors to start the process but when I got there the doctor was a mother of my DDs friend who had just qualified as a GP and I didn't recognise her maiden name, I was mortified and just explained it was personal and I would rather see another doctor. I took it as a sign that I needed to tell dh, took me a few weeks to pluck up the courage though so I ended up having to have a medical procedure. Not sure what the pill option after affects are but I needed a couple of days in bed so wouldn't really have been able to hide it from DH. We both hated making the situation (dh More so than me) but I am glad I told him as if he ever found out he would have hated me for not involving him.

KeatsiePie Tue 12-Feb-13 18:53:46

Good luck. Repeating what Ghoul said: I hope your DH supports you in your decision and realises that he needs to be make more mature contraceptive decisions in future.

fuzzpig Tue 12-Feb-13 18:40:23

Really glad you are going to tell him. Good luck.

JenaiMorris Tue 12-Feb-13 17:43:08

Good luck love smile

You're doing the right thing. I had a termination after a brief and ill advised fling. I did it behind his back (in my defence I had tried to talk to him but he was being an arse). I ended up telling him out of spite. Not my proudest moment but understandable given the circumstances. I could see you blurting it out too, which really would be worse than telling him now.

Xales Tue 12-Feb-13 17:38:49

Good luck!

McNewPants2013 Tue 12-Feb-13 17:13:03

Good luck

GhoulWithADragonTattoo Tue 12-Feb-13 16:42:44

Good luck OP! I hope your DH supports you in your decision and realises that he needs to be make more mature contraceptive decisions in future.

BarredfromhavingStella Tue 12-Feb-13 16:25:31

Good luck Ugg , hope it goes well.

StripeyBear Tue 12-Feb-13 15:05:09

Gosh - not a topic for here. You need some proper support.


He needs to share this with you. If you do decide to have a medical abortion, he can take you to the clinic, and pick you up afterwards and make you sweet tea and a hot water bottle.

I haven't read all the replies - but I suspect you have contemplated handling it like this becuase you think YOU will be able to pretend it didn't happen if you don't tell anyone. It doesn't necessarily work like that.

Big hug to you - I know this feel scary - but trust me - there are many worse things that could happen xx

Lueji Tue 12-Feb-13 15:02:33

I agree with others.
It's your body and your decision, but in a healthy marriage, you should not to have to keep secrets like this. sad

He can resent you, but not telling can also destroy your marriage. Because of the lie and because of you keeping it inside.

Dededum Tue 12-Feb-13 14:59:34

Good luck Uggbug

I had an abortion, after 2 kids. About 4 years ago, it didn't destroy me. I forgave myself before I did it and though sometimes I do wonder, they would have started school in September! But I know that there wasn't right answer, it was just a choice. You have to forgive yourself, other there is no choice.

I have two great kids, my marriage is stronger than it was then. Maybe if it been stronger then I would have made a different decision... But if...but if.... would tie you in knots.

Noren Tue 12-Feb-13 14:53:53

If it were me, and I kept it a secret, I would silently resent him for putting me in that position and it would break up the relationship. It's your body, your choice, but it might be healthier for your relationship to be able to let your anger out about it.

StuntGirl Tue 12-Feb-13 14:47:09

Good luck ugg. I hope the talk goes well.

jamdonut Tue 12-Feb-13 14:41:43


Well thanks for making me feel awful,when I was trying to help.

I was scared to admit I was pregnant again because I thought our family was finished, and we could not afford any more, and I thought my husband felt the same. But we came to the conclusion,together, that we would be able to manage. It hasn't been easy,especially as I mentioned, I had just started a new job. Luckily they were understanding,at a time when maternity rights were not as generous as they are now.

Non of my 3 pregnancies were "planned",(that's not to say we were particularly reckless,either) and I have never found out I was pregnant and been happy about it, it's always been a case of "Oh no!", for one reason or another (mostly redundancies) ,which makes me very sad.
But my husband and I have always discussed the situation. We wouldn't be without any of our children,(20,16 and nearly 13)

fedupofnamechanging Tue 12-Feb-13 13:34:07

I think you will be right to tell him - not because he should have a say, but because he has put you in this god awful position and deserves to know that his actions have had terrible consequences for you. You should not be suffering alone.

If you are 100% certain that you do not ever want another baby, then you need to say to him that unless he uses condoms properly or gets a vasectomy (if the pill isn't working for you, health wise), then you will not be having sex. You can't let him continue to be selfish.

juneau Tue 12-Feb-13 13:08:48

And please go and have a chat with your GP about other forms of contraception. There is more than one pill out there and there are new contraceptives coming onto the market all the time giving men and women choice as to how they prevent pregnancy. It's quite clear that condoms are not working for you!

RevoltingPeasant Tue 12-Feb-13 13:01:48

Hey you, good luck and sorry if I was overly negative smile

5madthings Tue 12-Feb-13 12:16:33

Good luck xxx

phoenixrose314 Tue 12-Feb-13 11:33:17

Hope it helped. Good luck, will be thinking of youxx

NotADragonOfSoup Tue 12-Feb-13 11:26:23

Good luck

dreamingbohemian Tue 12-Feb-13 11:24:54

I think that's a really good idea, good luck tonight.

TheBigJessie Tue 12-Feb-13 11:10:38

Good luck, UggBug

Please remember. You have no need to feel guilty for aborting.

AnyFucker Tue 12-Feb-13 11:09:41

All the best, ugg x

Your husband's attitude is a worrying one. I hope you can sort it out.

uggbug Tue 12-Feb-13 11:08:19

Thanks all for massive support. You have persuaded me that it will be a good idea to tell DH, for two reasons, first to support me and also so that he understands the consequences. Thanks again this has really helped me going to talk to him tonight thanks

curryeater Tue 12-Feb-13 11:05:41

Not helpful, jamdonut. This "we'll manage somehow" crap is exactly what she is afraid of. She gets to decide if she will manage or not.

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