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To get really uncomfortable around a friend when she smacks her children...

(236 Posts)
Toowittoowoo Mon 11-Feb-13 16:23:38

....and other harsh (in my view) disciplining?

I know it is none of my business how somebody else disciplines their DCs but they are all under 3 and they are so lovely. I also don't always understand why they are smacked - seems like trivial things to me. I just can't see my friend in the same way as I used to if she is capable of treating her children like that.

twofingerstoGideon Mon 11-Feb-13 16:56:04

I am afraid my terminally damaged children are all grown up and strangely doing well and happy. But thanks so much for your input.

Probably in spite of being smacked, not because of being smacked.
You sound very flippant about your smacking habit...

PessaryPam Mon 11-Feb-13 16:56:16

Iggly I never said I kept smacking them but thanks anyway.

Greensleeves Mon 11-Feb-13 16:58:01

Oh, too late then. Never mind. They survived hmm

tbh nothing a smacker could call me is going to be worse than "thick bully who hits children to get them to obey". I can't think of anything that would make me feel more shamed than hitting my children. I think it takes a mindset of total arrogance to feel entitled to hit a smaller person and feel fine about it.

PessaryPam Mon 11-Feb-13 16:58:04

Oh yes now my Dh and I are on our own as kids are off at uni I have to satisfy my sadistic tendencies on him, or not really in the real world that I live in two.

Londonmrss Mon 11-Feb-13 16:59:36

I have to say while it may be in your toolkit, it's not my tool of choice. I want to educate my child to believe that a violent response is not right. I wouldn't want her to react to something with violence so I will always try and live up to my own standard.
Please don't judge me harshly for my passive and rational tendencies. This is merely the kind of parent I and many others want to be and I do not believe it makes us ineffectual.

Chandon Mon 11-Feb-13 16:59:53

If you are a good friend, you should tell her just that " I don 't know, but it really makes me uncomfortable seeing you smack her."

My mum always said that real friends correct or help their friends when they are making mistakes.

Be brave and stick your neck out.

PessaryPam Mon 11-Feb-13 17:00:11

Green I would like you to talk to them. They are really nice people. They are not cowed or screwed up or anything. I understand bad parenting and this was not it. Save your ire for the real transgressors.

Flatbread Mon 11-Feb-13 17:00:34

Oh FFS, why does MN get so melodramatic about smacking?

There was a study which looked at children who were violent and uncontrollable. 50% had been smacked and the other 50% hadn't.

Children who have been smacked don't 'learn' to be violent as compared to other children. Nor does smacking necessarily lead to better behaviour.

It is the whole family dynamics thing and if the children are loved and happy, OP, it is none of your business.

Greensleeves Mon 11-Feb-13 17:01:22

If she's a typical smacker you won't change anything with reasoned argument or offers of support. If you want to change her mind you'll need a transplant surgeon. I'd just walk away.

PessaryPam Mon 11-Feb-13 17:01:26

London that's fine I think it's different strokes for different folks. We all have to do the best we can bringing up kids.

lolaflores Mon 11-Feb-13 17:01:32

Here Pessary, over here,
How about I smack you?
Cos you are so irritating.
And i feel like it.
So there

PessaryPam Mon 11-Feb-13 17:03:28

And I can smack you back cos I am quite handy, let's do it.

lolaflores Mon 11-Feb-13 17:03:33

Fuck studies.
The sight of an adult hitting a smaller being, because they can, is not right.
I was punched, hit, thrown, you name it. Parents and teachers did it because it was "the norm".
In fact it was unjust and uncivilised.

lolaflores Mon 11-Feb-13 17:04:13

Come on then *Pess", you and me, two adults.
Much fairer. and I reckon my years of dodging flying fists and objects may give me the edge

PessaryPam Mon 11-Feb-13 17:04:31

Irritating is why I am a Pessary, clues in the name. I am also mostly right.

parakeet Mon 11-Feb-13 17:04:57

This statistic There was a study which looked at children who were violent and uncontrollable. 50% had been smacked and the other 50% hadn't. tells us nothing.

Suppose 10 per cent of the population hit their children? Then it would suggest that hitting does make children violent. (And vice versa.)

Flatbread Mon 11-Feb-13 17:05:01

Lola, but smacking is not the same as punching, is it?

Like I said, too much melodrama on MN about this.

Greensleeves Mon 11-Feb-13 17:05:15

There have been hundreds of studies. The majority confirm that smacking is a really bad idea. Which is why the NSPCC and everyone else who knows anything about children condemns it.

Deep down, you know it's wrong to hit people who are smaller than you and can't defend themselves. You do it because you can, and you lack the skills to manage your children without brute force.

lolaflores Mon 11-Feb-13 17:05:34

In your own head dear. There appears to be other on here that widely differ.

EvenIfYouSeeAPoppy Mon 11-Feb-13 17:05:46

People who choose not to inflict physical violence on their children are ineffectual parents?! Ineffectual?!

I've heard it all now.

What would we call a boss who hit members of his/her team when they messed up, arrived late, argued back? An effective leader?

Thought not.

PessaryPam Mon 11-Feb-13 17:06:10

Message deleted by Mumsnet for breaking our Talk Guidelines. Replies may also be deleted.

PessaryPam Mon 11-Feb-13 17:07:02

Flatbread, they are just so over the top.

FunnysInLaJardin Mon 11-Feb-13 17:07:18

frequent smacking is not nice and I wouldn't want to be around someone who did this the their DC on a regular basis. Occasional smacking is not such an issue although I would personally find it difficult to smack my DC in public.

Nancy66 Mon 11-Feb-13 17:07:29

I'm certain that the vast majority of smacked children grow up to be healthy, balanced adults.

However it doesn't change the fact that it's a shitty, nasty, bullying thing to do to a child.

I hate wishy-washy parenting. I have no time for mothers who are forever negotiating with their children, who never correct them, never discipline them.

But I also have no time for any adult who thinks it's ok to physically hurt another human being - particularly one a fraction of their size.

moominmarvellous Mon 11-Feb-13 17:07:47

YANBU. I have a friend who slaps his daughter alot and I absolutely hate it. He slaps her for the most trivial things like your friend, and it's got to the stage where she doesn't even flinch.

I'll never forget my DD's reaction when he slapped his then 1 year daughter for touching a toy in our living room. She jumped out of her skin and asked me why he hurt the baby sad

I looked after his child a few times and she was a shocker for biting and hitting when things didn't go her way.

These parents end up looking like deranged child beaters with no self control. The kids don't give a shit because they get slapped for anything and everything. So that seems pretty ineffectual to me.

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