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to think that working full time does not excuse you from parenting?

(49 Posts)
MortifiedAdams Mon 11-Feb-13 15:33:00

Parent one works FT. Parent two is SAH. P1 has never bathed their dc, minded them on their own for even thirty mins let alone all evening or day, never took them.out of the house on their own, never took a day off work when P2 has had to go into hospital (P2s relative had to drive an hour out to mind the DC while P2 was in hospital).

P2 when unwell still runs around doing housework and making the tea for P1 and the DCs and still must do bath/bed and through the night wakings.

Justification for P1s attitude to parenting is that they work FT. They work really hard.

It makes me so so angry that P1s attitude is facilitated by P2 and excused by family. Of course as I am neither P1 or 2, it in theory is business.

However I feel so so strongly about it that I dont want to be around P1 and am getting a bit sick of people saying how hard P1 has it working so hard.

Tulahoob Mon 11-Feb-13 15:36:05

I would hope that P2 would come to their senses and divorce P1!

ChristmasJubilee Mon 11-Feb-13 15:38:18

You are absolutely right. It is none of your business.

redlac Mon 11-Feb-13 15:39:28

Nothing to do with you. If it works for them leave them to it.

badguider Mon 11-Feb-13 15:41:47

it's nothing to do with working full time that causes this situation - it's Parent 2 being an utter selfish twat with no interest in their spouse/partner or their child(ren).

Theicingontop Mon 11-Feb-13 15:43:12

P2 doesn't want to be a particularly involved parent. Their loss. P1 will see the light, or they won't. Either way none of your business.

redlac Mon 11-Feb-13 15:46:58

Of course the working full time has something to do with it - my DH leaves the house at 6.45 and returns 12 hours later after a hard physical job 6 days a week. I'm sure if you looked into my home life people would say similar to the OP but in order to keep a roof over our heads it has to be done. Yes DD and DH have great fun on his day off but day to day parenting falls to me

CailinDana Mon 11-Feb-13 15:48:09

It's not an uncommon view that the SAHP should do everything around the house regardless of illness or anything else. I have a friend whose wife did everything when she was on ML for a year, then they swapped and now he does everything as the SAHD. He is slowly drifting into depression (much to my dismay) but won't do anything about it as he feels he can't back down on what he believes given how he treated his wife when she was on ML. It's his comeuppance I suppose but it's still sad to see. He feels guilty for how little he did in the first year of his DD's life, but having done absolutely everything around the house now for well over a year he's struggling. He can see why his wife found it so hard - but of course he didn't believe her at the time and honestly thought that as he was working in a tough manual job it was only right that he should do nothing at home.

I've heard it said many many times on MN that the SAHP/mum on ML should do all night wakings at least during the week, as though (s)he no longer needs to sleep. When you have that attitude going about on a fairly egalitarian website like MN it's not surprising when so many women put up with basically living like single parents while the dad just carries on with his pre-DC life.

KellyElly Mon 11-Feb-13 15:50:42

Working full time is no excuse to not parent your children. What the hell do these parents who think they can opt out because they have been at work think lone parents do?

Yama Mon 11-Feb-13 15:51:45

I feel it is our business. If society excuses the shit treatment of women it will continue. And my children might be effected.

Tulahoob Mon 11-Feb-13 15:52:12

Great post CailinDana

MortifiedAdams Mon 11-Feb-13 15:53:34

I dont intend to do or say anything to them.about how I feel, unless P2 asks my opinion. I cant help having an opinion on it, though, as is the case with most AIBU threads.

I didn't really mention housework as I agree the parent at home will naturally do the lions share of everything in the home.

My point is that he has never ever done any hands on parenting. Not on his days off, his holidays, or stepping up when P2 needs.

I feel that if they ever separate, this is going to be the reason why. I hate that P1 doesnt do anything for their dc. Anything except earn the money. And that they and others think this is enough.

PrincessRagnhild Mon 11-Feb-13 15:54:04

Great post CailinDana. OP, YANBU to think this, though it would be U to butt in with your opinion when it's not your life (not that you've suggested you will!) The reality could be a bit different to how it looks on the outside anyway, as redlac says.

But why agree to become a parent if you don't want to be actively involved in your children's lives, especially when presumably you get to spend less time with your partner as a consequence of having the children? I think a lot of the time the non-involved partner just needs abandoning on their own for a month weekend with the children, so they can appreciate how hard it is.

redlac Mon 11-Feb-13 15:54:08

I don't feel I'm being treated like shite - DH is physically not here to parent 6 out of 7 days a week. On the 7th day he is involved very much so.

Would you say that my life is shite and its your business how my household runs?

MsVestibule Mon 11-Feb-13 15:55:06

As long as you're not the relative of P2 who had to come and look after their children while she was in hospital, then no, it's none of your business. But when did that stop anybody from having an opinion on the way others live their lives grin.

YANBU, but as long as P2 continues to allow this behaviour, it will continue. If the subject of how hard he works is raised (because I can pretty much guarantee P1 is a he), just harumph loudly and say "I think not" very loudly.

PostBellumBugsy Mon 11-Feb-13 15:55:47

If only! As a working full-time parent, I have no option. Think that P1 in OPs example has a crappy attitude - but it is exactly the same as my ex-H's!!!!!

PhilMcAverty Mon 11-Feb-13 15:57:45

I've met people like this in RL. In that case it was the mum who was at home and her DH at work. DH did fuck all around the house and saw having the children as 'babysitting'. He's also arrange to go out with his friends on the weekend as that was his "downtime" as he worked so hard.

I thought he was a dick. If you are a SAHM you need downtime too. If you are working FT, then you need to spend time with your DCs as well.

I don't understand why anyone would put up with it, but many do.

MortifiedAdams Mon 11-Feb-13 15:58:54

redlac your situation is entirely different. Your DH is actively involved in parenting for 100% of the time he is avaliable.

PrincessRagnhild Mon 11-Feb-13 15:59:05

But redlac, your DP is a hands-on parent on his day off. It doesn't sound like P1 in this scenario is ever hands on or involved...

PrincessRagnhild Mon 11-Feb-13 15:59:16


NoTeaForMe Mon 11-Feb-13 15:59:48

I know a family just like this Mortified the working parent will have a lie in til 10/11 on a weekend, has never once got up with either child. Does nothing around the house. Barely makes himself a drink. He has never been left with both children, has started to now take the older child out, he's nearly 10, but never the younger one and absolutely never both.

It's not at all a hapy household.

MsVestibule Mon 11-Feb-13 15:59:49

Redlac your situation is nothing like the OP has described, so I'm not sure why you appear to be taking it personally confused.

fairylightsinthesnow Mon 11-Feb-13 16:04:55

DH works full time and me p/t He is actually fab, and very hands on BUT., cannot keep straight things like remembering to take a packed lunch on the days DS needs it, or picking up a bag of nappies I have left in the hall on right by the door to go the CM. I have to remember and organise all of that, even on my work days.

redlac Mon 11-Feb-13 16:05:33

Not taking anything personally but just trying to put a different view point across as per the original opening post. OP clarified that our situations are different in a subsequent post

Emsmaman Mon 11-Feb-13 16:05:40

Cailindana hear hear. PrincessRagnhild I went to uni with someone with your name, never could pronouce it, she gave up and got us all to call her raggie.

Back on topic, I can see it from both sides, I have been P2 at times and it's easy to fall into that trap and find it hard to have the confidence to get out of it. I have to actively find reasons for DH to look after DD on his own, as if it's the both of us it will revert to me doing all the nappies, food, entertaining while DH looks at his laptop...I constructed 2 reasons on the weekend to get out of the house for an hour or two each time to leave the two of them alone. Many friends have said that their DH's don't have much confidence with the kids if they don't get much alone time, so it becomes a vicious circle, so I'm trying to reverse the trend...hard when we have so little family time together though.

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