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DD just got scholarship AIBU to think I need to keep it quiet?

(124 Posts)
pugsandseals Sun 10-Feb-13 12:02:41

All the parents at school were talking about how hard & stressful their DC's found the entrance test last weekend. DD took it all in her stride & yesterday we find out she is one of only a handful of kids to get a scholarship! Put it on Facebook yesterday, mainly for the sake of friends & family we don't see very often & have noticed that the 2 school mums I'm Facebook friends with have said absolutely nothing! AIBU to take this as a warning that I need to keep quiet in front of the other mums? I imagined they would all be happy for dd but if their child missed out on a scholarship might there be a general feeling of resentment? Not a hugely selective school btw, so chances of others not getting in at all are very slim! WWYD?

TheOriginalSteamingNit Tue 12-Feb-13 18:30:50

So Facebook didn't work out for you and you've tried it in Aibu?

Coconutty Tue 12-Feb-13 18:26:57

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

PureQuintessence Tue 12-Feb-13 13:05:09

You wanted to boast. That is why you got annoyed that you had no response from these particular mums.

Fluffy1234 Mon 11-Feb-13 16:35:48

When I passed my 11 plus many years ago I can't remember any of the other mums being pleased for me or congratulating my mum or me. Why would they? Especially if their child hadn't passed. I remember some lovely gifts from my aunties and Nan.

ConferencePear Mon 11-Feb-13 14:50:52

Doesn't this partly depend on the kind of school she has won a scholarship to ?
If it's a fee paying highly academic school then I'm surprised you posted it.
Our local fee paying school asks parents not to divulge who has scholarships and bursaries.
They know only too well that the other, much richer kids, may patronise the scholarship kids.

sweetestB Mon 11-Feb-13 13:27:10

why should they reply at all or even care? I think you wanted to boast tbh

fromparistoberlin Mon 11-Feb-13 13:23:59

its a funny one

by all means sing to the stars to family, grandparents, real friends.

But when you are the parent with the "ordinary" kid going to state school, and your friends child is off to a ivy-clad super private school. Its weird feeling

you want to be happy for them, but naturally your feeling of disappointment for your kids prevails. You might wonder if your friends child, age 11 is already on a faster track than your child ?

It not like a friend loses weight, for example, or wins a car. then you are happy, you say well done

But how children progress, its an emotive topic.

OP screwed up, facebook is not appropriate

TheOriginalLadyFT Mon 11-Feb-13 13:19:27

Why though? Surely it comes down to who she has on FB friends list? People who are genuinely her friends and family should be delighted - if not, then they're not really her friends at all

fromparistoberlin Mon 11-Feb-13 13:16:42

I would not DREAM of positing sometnhing like that on FB

I am very pleased for your DD

but I suspect you have rubbed other mothers faces in it

remeber they love their DD as much as you love yours, so why even risk making them feel bad?

silly decision IMO

Abra1d Mon 11-Feb-13 13:14:04

Isn't there a difference between bursaries and scholarships?

The scholarships at my children's schools are public--ie, mentioned in newsletters and posted on the school websites.

Bursaries, by contrast, ie, financial assistance, are confidential.

Yellowtip Mon 11-Feb-13 13:11:09

You won't (or shouldn't) 'make enemies' by being open when asked. Just don't volunteer the information without being asked. Simples.

I don't agree that the same principles don't apply equally for coveted grammar school places these days in the same way as scholarships to local indies. Most kids getting scholarships to the indiesround here turn them down if they've also got a place at the grammar, since the grammar is better.

freddiefrog Mon 11-Feb-13 12:06:06

It depends how you use Facebook and who's on your friends list

I'm very anti-social on there, I only have family and very close friends on Facebook, so I would have posted something like that on there, as I know everyone would be interested and pleased for her.

My daughter recently won a competition, it's quite a big deal - I posted about it on FB, everyone, without exception, was happy for her and congratulated her.

I wouldn't bandy it around at school though, as I know a lot of their reactions would be completely different - in fact, it was announced by the head teacher in assembly (neither us or DD knew it was going to happen) and there was an unpleasant reaction from some parents

pugsandseals Mon 11-Feb-13 11:55:49

Have both perspectives on the 11+ as dh passed & I didn't. I don't remember any negativity either way!

DonderandBlitzen Mon 11-Feb-13 11:43:32

I'm from an 11+ area too and I passed and went to grammar school, but i doubt that those whose children failed it would have been delighted for me to have passed. Why should they be? I would hope my mum didn't go on about it too much, but knowing her she probably did!

outtolunchagain Mon 11-Feb-13 11:39:08

The mood is different because there is a financial aspect , also the 11+ and an entrance exam are pass/fail by getting a scholarship you are distinguishing your daughter as having done better than most others .

Scholarships from independent preps at 13 are a different matter as they are publicly celebrated but at 11 to day school generally not.

My ds got into his chosen school this weekend , he did not get a scholarship I will be thrilled for any of his friends that do . However I would be shocked to see it on Facebook and actually think the Head would take a very dim view as well .

pugsandseals Mon 11-Feb-13 11:26:54

Wow - this has moved on a bit! I was certainly right to worry about what I should say to other parents if they ask. By the reaction of some on here I could make some real enemies by being open with people!
Coming from an 11+ area, I know parents there would have been supporting one another through the process & genuinely happy for any that got grammar school places. It would seem the scholarship changes the rules slightly. I think I will need to tread very carefully, even though all the children at prep will get their chosen senior schools. I don't understand why the mood is different, but oh well! Better to learn that on here than at the school gate - thanks all!

DonderandBlitzen Mon 11-Feb-13 11:22:59

I think the mums on your FB have done you a favour by not replying if they have made you think twice about turning up at the school gate and announcing the scholarship to everyone.

Yellowtip Mon 11-Feb-13 10:32:02

It's also not about 'form'. This kind of consideration needs to be deployed even at state schools shock.

TheOriginalLadyFT Mon 11-Feb-13 10:31:44

I think it comes down to who you have as "friends" on your FB page.

If you genuinely do just have friends and family ie people who actually who and like you, then I genuinely can't see why it's bad form or "tacky" as one poster n here said, to post about what is a fantastic achievement. If your FB friends list runs into hundreds of people you don't really know, then that might change things.

I posted about how totally made up I was that DS had passed entrance exam for private school - he's dyslexic and has had to work like a dog to get to that standard. I was massively proud and if I want to post about that on my FB page, I bloody well will. Anyone who doesn't like it can unfriend me and sod right off

Yellowtip Mon 11-Feb-13 10:30:29

I don't think it's anything at all to do with academic achievement v other achievement sarahtigh. I've certainly not encountered that distinction. But if a group of kids in a geographical area or social circle are all after scholarships to a particular school then the fact that someone has got one means that someone else hasn't. So if you are the one in possession of the prize you should lie low publicly until you know who else has got what and act accordingly. I think that sort of discretion should come with the prize.

mrsjay Mon 11-Feb-13 10:30:19

going on and on about it is boasting just saying my DD got a scholarship to X is not boasting

I agree with you it isn't boasting imo

sarahtigh Mon 11-Feb-13 10:22:09

congratulations to your DD celebrate with her but you probably have to be discrete because unfortunately doing well academically and celebrating it is seen as not good form

I just can't see that anyone would be telling OP to be discrete if her DD had just got accepted for county hockey team, which would also be down to DD's hard work and natural talent for sport as opposed to her hardwork and intellectual ability

it just not seem fair that if you have natural talent for acting sport music etc this can be celebrated in public but if you have gift for maths, science or any other academic subject it is almost as if you should be ashamed

going on and on about it is boasting just saying my DD got a scholarship to X is not boasting

DontEvenThinkAboutIt Mon 11-Feb-13 10:08:42

I wouldn't have posted it myself. I think people will ask if they are interested.
I have DC's that have done extremely well in national academic competitions and I tell my Parents but noone else. I don't think other people are interested TBH.
I would wince if I saw someone posting something like that on FaceBook.

I hope that you are relishing the fact that your DD has done so well. It is lovely, she must be delighted. Well done little pugsandseals

mrsjay Mon 11-Feb-13 09:50:22

I spose the other parents would have found out and ignored it anyway maybe the op would have told a parent or 2 at school and the information would have filtered down to parents whos child didnt get a scholarship and failed the exam facebook is just a quicker way these days, I dont think the OP was being boastful and even if she was so what she is proud of her child, facebook friends can respond or not just as they could do in RL,

plantsitter Mon 11-Feb-13 09:46:55

I think it's great to celebrate your DDs achievement and Facebook is just one way of doing that. If she is going to private school you are going to have to start worrying about whether things are 'bad form' or not though. And watch your vowels.

However if my child had applied for the same scholarship and the way I found out they hadn't got it was by a facebook announcement that somebody else had I would be quite upset. But that's the risk you take by being on there in the first place, innit?

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