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SAHM goes back to work after 10 years - how do you cope with the resentment?

(127 Posts)
MsGasket Sun 10-Feb-13 10:19:31

So I yelled at DH this morning that I hated him and that I would keep telling him that until he left - I don't want him to leave (yes, I know v. unreasonable behaviour from me), I'm just finding it difficult to cope with my feelings of resentment. At least I think that's what I'm feeling.

AIBU to think that just because I only work part-time (so that the family continues to 'function') I shouldn't have to run the place!!! Yes, I know there are women that work full-time and run the home which is why I'm writing this in the hope of gaining some perspective.

This post could be epic so I'll stop now and write more throughout the thread as necessary. I'm a fairly regular poster but have name changed.

TripleRock Sun 10-Feb-13 11:06:49

I still don't really understand what you are asking...

MsGasket Sun 10-Feb-13 11:07:04

"its so traumatic planning things"

Not traumatic but a bit shit when the only holiday you ever go on is one you've planned yourself, same for nights out pretty much although those rarely happen.

aldiwhore Sun 10-Feb-13 11:08:18

MsGasket my DH works randomly (self employed) often away withot planning, or at home for long periods... full time work really created more problems than it solved so I totally understand! The extra income was unnoticeable too.

lottiegarbanzo Sun 10-Feb-13 11:08:27

Sounds like you need to think about who you are and what you want and how you want to spend how much leisure time in support of this.

ssd Sun 10-Feb-13 11:09:16

OP you sound hard work, I hope my sons dont end up marrying a woman like you

still wait long enough I'm sure you'll get someone as spoilt as you along soon to share their "tips"

TheFallenMadonna Sun 10-Feb-13 11:10:15

I wouldn't have been able to deal with making adjustments to my own career when my DH wasn't prepared to at least look at doing the same. That would make me bitterly resentful.

MsGasket Sun 10-Feb-13 11:10:55

TheFallenMadonna, I love this - 'a cleaner for 3 hours a week easily covered that part of my previous contribution to family life...!'
It would be the same here. DH is in a good position in that he works from home 3 days a week but these are the days that I work which is why that bit works iykwim.

ssd Sun 10-Feb-13 11:12:47

christ so you need to plan the holidays!!

how awful your life must be.....

poor me por me poor me

HandbagCrab Sun 10-Feb-13 11:13:21

What do you do on the days you don't work? How old are your kids?

Have you got a dishwasher/ tumble dryer/ various labour saving gadgets? Can you afford a cleaner?

Do you shop online? Have you set up direct debits? Do you need to simplify your life as you have too much stuff to do and not enough time?

What exactly are you screaming at your dh for? If he left would your life be easier/ better? If so, how? You need to get to the bottom of why you feel how you feel, it is not clear from your posts what the issues are.

ssd Sun 10-Feb-13 11:14:03

yeah get a cleaner, she'll make you feel better about your life then

MsGasket Sun 10-Feb-13 11:14:20

aldiwhore, you seem to have come up with some great solutions. Thanks for sharing them. My DH doesn't have a day off although he does have the option of a 4 day week (hmm, maybe worth thinking about further).

VoiceofUnreason Sun 10-Feb-13 11:15:04


janey68 Sun 10-Feb-13 11:15:58

I'm a bit confused as to what you're asking too now!

If you are resentful Because your dh works full time , and you would ideally like to be full time in your job which you say you 'love'- then look for full time work. Yes, it'll change the dynamics re: domestic resp

ssd Sun 10-Feb-13 11:16:04

no wonder you name changed hmm

CloudsAndTrees Sun 10-Feb-13 11:16:36

It sounds like you are expecting a lot, and you do sound like hard work to live with if you say that you hate your DH and you want him to leave, even though you admit that he does do a lot.

I think you need to think about what it is that's bothering you. It sounds like you just hate having to do any housework and that you resent having to do anything you don't want to do. But household chores are just part of life, not many people do actually enjoy doing them, but they still have to be done.

Imagine if your life stayed exactly as it is now, but that you had a money fairy who was prepared to pay for you to have a cleaner, to have all your clothes service washed, and to do all your food shopping and cooking. All of those chores that you hate just vanish almost completely out of your life.

Does that thought make you feel happy? Does it seem like all your troubles would be lifted if that happened, or are there still things left over that would make you feel resentful and unhappy?

verytellytubby Sun 10-Feb-13 11:16:36

I work part time, DH works long hours. In the week I do most of the housework and childcare. DH will cook once a week if he gets back in time. Weekends we share the load.

I wouldn't expect DH to get home from a long day and start doing housework when I haven't been at work. Obviously when I work full time we'll have to change the situation.

hermioneweasley Sun 10-Feb-13 11:18:57

Go full time and get a cleaner/nanny/housekeeper

janey68 Sun 10-Feb-13 11:20:13

Oops - responsibilities, but you thrash it out and get on with it. I returned full time the moment dc2 started reception class. Up to then I'd done part time and done more domestic stuff. There's nothing wrong with working full time- you just need to stop finding 'reasons' why it wouldn't work. And frankly, if one of those 'reasons' is that your dh works away, then between the two of you, you chose that situation, you chose for his career to steam ahead while yours took a back seat.
If you want to continue part time, then I don't think it's fair to blame your husband because you don't enjoy your days off. Thats your responsibility to resolve

Sorry if this sounds harsh, but I just don't get it when women complain about their lot, and then find excuses not to change the status quo.

ENormaSnob Sun 10-Feb-13 11:20:34

You sound horrible.

If my husband screamed at me that he hated me and would continue to do so until I left then his divorce papers would be served as soon as humanely possible.

Disgusting way to treat someone.

MsGasket Sun 10-Feb-13 11:20:41

HandbagCrab, when DH isn't here I merrily get on with looking after the DC/cooking/tidying etc but when he's around I just feel like giving him the Vs from the next room as he watches You've Been Framed or whatever. It's easier to just 'down tools' and then the house disintegrates <not quite but ykwim>.

He likes to sit and watch telly for a while which is absolutely fine but I just feel so angry sometimes. On the other hand I know that we have a great life and that I have a lot to be thankful for.

TheFallenMadonna Sun 10-Feb-13 11:21:01

A cleaner does make my life better for sure...

Look OP, you don't know what you want. So you have to decide what that is, and then discuss with your DH what cam reasonably be achieved towards that with both of you making adjustments to your current model.

I completely get the organisation thing. It is headspace that you would rather fill with something more interesting. It has to be done, but you have to work out a fair system together.

gorionine Sun 10-Feb-13 11:22:40

I went back to work after 11 years as a SAHM, I do work 26 hours a week, do take a bit of work home too (only because I want to, no requirement for me to do so. DH does not mind as he knows I absolutely love what I do). Truth is though, that even like that, I am home much more than he is (works long hours and has a 3 hours commute a day) so I still am responsible for all the "menial" tasks around the house. I do have times where I get tired of being the named house fairy but I tend to try and get the Dcs to help more as it is their house too. If they want a chance to spend a bit of time with dad, rather than him coming back from work and starting to sort washing out and hoover the house they have to do some as well.

Another important thing, over all our married life, even when I was a SAHM, DH never ever took the housework I was doing for granted and has always thanked me, for it. When he does help I do thank him too rather than saying "That is the least you could do!" a bit of respect for eachother goes a long way.

MsGasket Sun 10-Feb-13 11:23:52

'Imagine if your life stayed exactly as it is now, but that you had a money fairy who was prepared to pay for you to have a cleaner, to have all your clothes service washed, and to do all your food shopping and cooking. All of those chores that you hate just vanish almost completely out of your life.'

This would make me very happy. I do love my DH and he is a good man. I might enjoy planning some nights out/holidays then.

lottiegarbanzo Sun 10-Feb-13 11:23:59

You know I think there are lots of reasons why you might be feeling resentful but you need to get to the bottom of what they are.

By being a SAHM you've lost lots of opportunities to do other things, develop a career of a sort you can't reasonably hope for now, develop yourself in ways you haven't had time or money for because you chose to have children. I wonder if the not-fully-forseen consequences of choices you've made along the way are rearing up to bite you now?

You do need to spend time thinking and working through those issues, as a lot of the causes of your resentment may well be decisions you've made, not anything your DH has done (isn't frustration always keenest when it's with ourselves?). There may be things you can both do to make the balance work better in your family but that will be a lot easier when you know what you do want.

I know what you mean about the organisation bit though, it is not so much traumatic as feeling a bit as though you are in sole charge and needing a bit of support. I work part time, DH full time (out 8.30-6, not extreme long hours), he does a reasonable share of the chores but does nothing towards the organisation of the family whatsoever, I do all the finances, all the other paperwork, all the organising of the DCs stuff (school activities, holiday childcare, lots of stuff relating to DS having SNs), all the holidays, all the menu planning and shopping, all the childcare, any repairs or new stuff that needs buying for the house (unless it is electronic gizmos), everything related to our cars including choosing new ones when that time comes around. It's not traumatic but I do feel somewhat burdened by the responsibility, I rarely feel I can switch off from it all.

Also, it's easy to be negative like this, but there are plus sides, control of the finances mean my spending is never questioned, all our holidays are the ones I would like, the house is how I want it. We eat meals I like every night and I am not under any pressure to earn money, we could live on DH's income, I work for my own satisfaction and realise I am actually very fortunate. DH has a great deal of responsibility in his work and it would be easy for me to foregt that.

So, what I am trying to say is try and look on the bright side, count your blessings, whatever, it can be hard but it does help.

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