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to think that the further you are from the world of work, the crazier being a working mum sounds?

(1000 Posts)
StripeyBear Sat 09-Feb-13 15:06:38

I did it for 3 years - motherhood and a (part-time, but) demanding job... when you were always running from pillar to post, and buying take-away pizza, and feeling guilty because your child was crying when you left, and always being tired and hassled and answering your blackberry on your days "off" and being f**ked off because your job wasn't half as interesting as the work you used to get when you were childless and in the office full-time-plus....

Almost 2 years of being a SAHM later, my working-mother-friends come round for coffee on their day off and moan about all of the above.. It sounds familiar, but now even their moaning exhausts me. I'm more in a swapping recipes for lemon-drizzle-cake and making my own pizza dough sort of head space. These days I just potter around - my whole life has slowed down.....

Don't get me wrong - I realise I'm fortunate that we can manage without the wage (and not everyone can), but I find I am barely worse off (once the childcare is taken into account, and it is so much easier to spend money wisely, now that I don't have to buy crappy pizza because I am too exhausted to cook or book my holiday at the last minute because I wasn't organised earlier). And life feels so much better now that I'm not always exhausted... and I actually have time to do interesting stuff like read (grown-up) books... and there is no stress around childcare and the like....

So when my friends come round and moan about their blackberries ringing and being side-lined for promotions and feeling stressed about organising a child's birthday party when they have no time to really do it and so on.... instead of feeling oodles of sympathy... all I can think is... WHY? WHY? Why are you doing it then?

AIBU? I sort of suspect I might be sad

TheSecondComing Sat 09-Feb-13 15:38:28

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

sleepyhead Sat 09-Feb-13 15:38:45

Oh come on Stripy! You're moaning now!! Granted, it's not about how often your dcs wake in the night or how hard your working life is. But it's still bloody irritating...

RubyrooUK Sat 09-Feb-13 15:39:43

Mainly it sounds like you don't like your friends that much, Stripey!

I am happy for my friends, both SAHM and WOHM, to talk to me about anything. Sometimes that includes moans about sleep deprivation, careers, childcare, families, relationships....I don't really mind as I like them and appreciate them confiding in me.

If you feel like people ONLY moan to you, I guess you need to change the subject more often. Or find people who better suit you.

Sparklingbrook Sat 09-Feb-13 15:39:59

YABU. There are so many variables. sad

We are all trying to do our best with the circumstances we are in aren't we?

VinegarDrinker Sat 09-Feb-13 15:41:43

If you think your friends are moaning too much then either get new friends or ask them politely to stop.

But don't use their moaning to extrapolate your half-baked theory that all women would be happier as SAHMs just because you are, because it simply isn't true.

Pagwatch Sat 09-Feb-13 15:43:28

Genuinely, if I found myself sitting at home thinking 'gosh this is the right way to live, i don't have much time for those who chose differently' I would be alarmed.

It is a short skip to the Daily Mail, meeting Barbara for a cup of coffee at 10.20 every other Tuesday and getting exited about the new Per Una range.

nosleeps Sat 09-Feb-13 15:45:54

I work ft in a big job that's challenging and interesting.
I cook, clean, bake make a mean lemon drizzle, spend plenty of time with dd.
DH doesn't earn enough for us to live on. It's a lot to fit in. We both get tired, but it's how we have decided to live and we are all happy. No moaning here!

Kat101 Sat 09-Feb-13 15:45:57

I survived the sahm phase for about 3 years. Year 4 I felt like I was going brain dead. I was too depressed to bake etc, I felt so isolated in my kitchen on my own. Got a lovely flexible part time job after 4.5 years and I love the balance that is now in my life.

Yanbu to have your opinion. I think wohm's are often knackered and like to moan about it, but they might find the alternative even harder. To think that sahm-ming would be easier for everyone would bu.

JamieandtheMagicTorch Sat 09-Feb-13 15:46:22


re: the "I don't know why people have children" comment. To be fair, one doesn't know ^quite how irksome they are until one is already lumbered. grin

JamieandtheMagicTorch Sat 09-Feb-13 15:47:26


Oh yes, that is so true. I used think "how can I possibly do a supermarket shop and visit the GP on one day"

idshagphilspencer Sat 09-Feb-13 15:48:57

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VinegarDrinker Sat 09-Feb-13 15:49:12

Even when I was working 40+ hours a week (part time hahaha) nights, weekends, 13 hour shifts, with a high needs 6 month old who only napped in the sling, co slept and BF all night, I honestly don't remember moaning. Occasional rant or sigh on Twitter, but seriously that was it I didn't have the energy

diddl Sat 09-Feb-13 15:50:02

So you think they should give up work so that they moan less??

I agree with a pp-get new friends or ask them to shut up!

I don´t go out to work, my best friend does.

Sometimes we both have a moan, sometimes one of us, sometimes neither.

She´s my best friend, I love her to bits-she can moan on at me for as long as she likes when she needs to tbh.

TheMagicMumber Sat 09-Feb-13 15:50:11

"I do think mothers in general moan too blinking much"

Until this I thought you were just being a bit nobbish.

StripeyBear Sat 09-Feb-13 15:51:00

VinegarDrinker yes, lovely to share care, and keep both careers going. We did consider that, but in all honesty, it wouldn't have worked for us.

Pagwatch thanks - I think you're right I may be a bit intolerant or maybe you just have less moany mates grin I do think there is something particular about my working friends, desperately trying to keep careers thriving whilst still making gingerbread with the kids and having fantastic sex and studying a part-time philosophy masters because they still want me-time. Yes, yes, I know you can do all this stuff (because I tried), but it is incredibly exhausting... Perhaps it is the preserve of middle-class, highly educated, career-minded women, who also want to be very hands-on with their kids who are trying to do the impossible and therefore understandably MOAN all the fecking time...

When they moan though... I just want to shake them... and say... "Be grateful for your lot. And if it stresses you out this much. Stop. Doing. It."

JamieandtheMagicTorch Sat 09-Feb-13 15:51:22

I moan about my job and my children. And I work with children, so I get to moan about them too. It's a right moan-fest here.

VinegarDrinker Sat 09-Feb-13 15:51:33

Did I forget to mention it's also a seriously responsible job as well as physically demanding

<gets out tiny violin and woe is me face>

Seriously, OP the problem lies with the fact you see your friends moaning to you about the trials and tribulations if their lives as a chore. Change your friends, or your attitude.

NationalLottie Sat 09-Feb-13 15:52:53

Swapping lemon cake recipes? Zzzzz

JamieandtheMagicTorch Sat 09-Feb-13 15:53:13

X post

OK, I get you. Which should they stop? I'd go for the sex. Too much trouble, IMO

slatternlymother Sat 09-Feb-13 15:54:20

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earlierintheweek Sat 09-Feb-13 15:54:28

Stripey some of us just can't "stop doing it"

What would you suggest I do? I don't have a DH I don't have a safety net.

you sound unbearably smug.

slatternlymother Sat 09-Feb-13 15:55:32

way of life

VinegarDrinker Sat 09-Feb-13 15:55:42

Ah, see, this is where having No Standards Whatsoever helps the stress levels.

Our house is chaos, we eat freshly cooked or convenience food when we feel like it, if DS and I feel like a PJ and CBeebies day we will bloody well have one. But we are all happy, well balanced and not dying of malnutrition, so all is good.

JamieandtheMagicTorch Sat 09-Feb-13 15:55:48


To be fair to the OP, she's talking about her friends, not all WOHM

Sparklingbrook Sat 09-Feb-13 15:55:54

Yes earlier I am struggling to understand the 'stop doing it' bit. Not an option for all. confused

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