To feel rage about parents being ungracious about their children(68 Posts)
In the last week I've heard people say about their children and in front of their children: "I don't know what he said the the (music) examiner, he'll never actually practice" when the child had done really well in a music exam. "Are you sure it's my children you're talking about" when they had behaved well at a birthday party and "oh she's not normally like this!" when the three year old was being so nice playing with my three year olds.
AIBU to want to shout at parents who are ungracious about their children and write all these ones off as spiteful fuckers.
I had this as a child. I was never as clever, artistic or tidy as my older sister.
If I got a B+ "Why didn't you get an A"?
Okay it was probably said in the context of "Well if you'd done a bit more work you could've got the A" but I saw it as critisism.
My teachers never compared us. They always saw us as completely different individuals (which in a way was more annoying because they taught 1000s of pupils and still saw the qualities that I had).
And I was the stooge who tidied and cooked (my sister was always 'busy')
So now I have my DC. When I go toparents evenings I tell the teachers that I have no scales before my eyes WRT to DS.He's clever and works hard at the subjects he likes. But anything he doesn't he'll dash off any old tat.
This isn't tolerated by me or DH and he knows he'll be made to do it again.
It doesn't harm his esteem if I tell him "I'm not letting you hand this in.It's not good enough"
But if he does well, he gets praised (verbal and reward)
Today he bought some cookies and was very polite "please and Thank You".
He's not rude at home by any means but I'm always
a bit smug proud of him when he's like this. But it's what we should all expect isn't it? Basic manners?
Oh heavens, yes! I praise DS all the time, he's the apple of my eye. I would never make remarks like the OP mentions.
It's just so damaging, do these parents not realise??
Perplexed this again a very different situation. When a child is doing really well, has put the effort in and is clearly proud of what they have done, then by any means, you should be praising them!
Actually I can see where Picture is coming from.
dc1 is a very bright child. She is doing very well, has been told by her Y2 teacher that she was at Y6 level etc...
Except that she is bright and mature but not exceptional (I know I was like this) so she 'forgets' to work hard, to be careful, to make some efforts. And thinks she is so good that no one can be as good as her.
I know it's not the case. I know she will be very very hurt arriving in secondary where at some point she will have yo start working. I know that at some point she will also have in from of her people who are at least as good if ot better than her.
So do I want to be praising every single achievement where she has put no effort in at all? No I am not going to.
However, I would not use any of the names/sentences some parents seem to use (such as 'Is it my child?') because that's a put down which is very different.
I do this . It's my inability to handle a compliment that makes me. People praising my DC makes me feel awkward and I usually end up making some inane comment which leaves me cringing after.
After reading this thread I promise to make a conscious effort not to do it!
Do you compensate with your own DCs if you have any or if not would you perplexed?
Oh, this is my mother all over. I was a high achiever at school and once got 99% in an exam. I told my mother (foolishly) expecting her to be happy.
She said '99% is not 100%' and never said another word about it.
She's still like this, I just don't tell her stuff anymore.
The dichotomy between home and school is interesting; I would far rather my DCs played up at home where they can relax and be themselves as we all should. I'm not perfect why would I expect that from our DCs?
(friend) Didn't johnny do well in his music exam
(you) I have no idea how, he never practices.
What you are really saying is - my child is so goddam bright but I cant acknowledge that so I will use self effacing tactics to make the point.
Ditto this scenario:
(Friend) I love that top, is it new?
(You) this old thing? I just threw it on thismorning.
What you are really saying is - ah yes it cost half a months salary to look this good but I'm never going to admit it in a million years.
Reverse psychology works on a lot of people. I remember my bio teacher telling me I'd played about for far too long and was going to come out with a big fat U. I got an A, she knew exactly how to play me to make me step up from a B to an A rather than coast along on the seat of my pants.
OP just because you dont understand a family dynamic and see what you think you see, don't misunderstand understanding and forces at play within the home.
I dunno... DD is very clever & self organised. I spend most of PE asking teacher about her behaviour and telling teachers to crack down on her if she messes about. Because... that is what she needs to work on. Academics comes easy to her but being nice doesn't (always).
webwiz But that's you who'd be nervous isn't it? Not her. I'd just say nicely to her that she was lucky and did very well at what she knew which wouldn't have happened if she'd been asked to play what she didn't know. IMO you don't have to go mad with the praise. Maybe encourage her to practice by mentioning the problem.
You can also say the same to others.
This is an interesting view point, you just can't win at parenting . I am probably guilty of this because my DS does behave very, very differently at home from 'in public'; the other day I had cried at home over his awful behaviour, I then met someone who told me, very kindly, how helpful, charming and polite my son was - that made me cry even more . I did make the comment 'I wish he was like that at home' because it is true - what should I do , just smile gracefully and accept the compliment I suppose.
I do think a lot of these comments can be lighthearted, I do the school holiday comment as well - having an only child I know he is bored stiff during the long holidays, despite all the different things we try to arrange for him, he would much rather be out and about with his friends.
So what are you supposed to say if you have a child that can repeatedly "wing it" in music exams? DD2 did the minimum of practice and only knew half her scales but was always lucky enough to get asked the ones she could play. I'd be a nervous wreck waiting for it to go badly wrong but she's pass each time. Should I tell everyone how fabulous she was? or point out that she was very lucky to get away with it?
I've been guilty of telling teachers that they're nothing like that at home. I have two very quiet at school children who never put a foot out of line there. Very very different outside of school - even their teachers have expressed surprise when they've seen me telling them off!
However I make sure I tell them I'm proud of them when they try hard and despite the volume levels at home I love the school holidays. I can't stand those who moan on Facebook as soon as school breaks up that they can't wait for it to start again.
''YANBU Ungrateful buggers. Children deserve better parents than that.
Also hate it when people say they are fed up of their children, or want them adopted or can't wait till they leave home (when they are six years old) etc.''
Absolutely YY to that. some people dont deserve children and shouldnt have them.
IMO if your parents don't love you unconditionally who will? Also you may find your plan backfiring spectacularly pictures.
Well when she does stuff like pose for the photographer instead of concentrating on positioning at a dance dress rehearsal she needs taking down a peg or two lol.
As I said I praise effort and hard work.
So the plan is to publicly bring her down a peg or two, so that she will want to do it more?
Yes but she could be brilliant if she put some effort in!
It's not her fault she's bright though Pictures She still needs encouragement for her self esteem. She'll find out how difficult life is soon enough.
I do it to over confident dd as there will co e a time when she realises that she has to actually work to achieve something rather than finding it easy.
She's the sort of child who coasts then pulls it out of the bag for an exam.
I praise effort not achievement. Also as I work in the performing arts it's easy to find extra faults with your own child so when she goes well in a performance I do downplay it.
Perhaps it's down to the micro management of everything nowadays just not letting DCs get on with stuff on their own.
I remember teaching Y1 'art' copying Van Gogh's The Sunflowers on tiny pieces of paper WTF !!!! Y1!!!
I think it's a lot worse than not being able to accept compliments ourselves - because they are children, and we are their parents.
Maybe. A lot of teachers/lecturers are saying the same though.
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