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To feel rage about parents being ungracious about their children

(68 Posts)
HilaryClinton Sat 09-Feb-13 13:11:53

In the last week I've heard people say about their children and in front of their children: "I don't know what he said the the (music) examiner, he'll never actually practice" when the child had done really well in a music exam. "Are you sure it's my children you're talking about" when they had behaved well at a birthday party and "oh she's not normally like this!" when the three year old was being so nice playing with my three year olds.

AIBU to want to shout at parents who are ungracious about their children and write all these ones off as spiteful fuckers.

tiggerishtom Sat 09-Feb-13 13:17:05

Not unreasonable at all...

My own mother did something like this when I won a swimming gala, aged 7.

That was 26 years ago now, and I still remember it, and how it made me feel and what it took away from my achievement.

Pontouf Sat 09-Feb-13 13:26:07

YANBU. My best mate's sister in law described her 8 year old boy a a "little shit" to me while he was standing there listening and went on to tell me what hard work he was. I was horrified, it was not only ungracious it is potentially so damaging! I ended up engaging him in a long conversation about what he was good at and what he enjoyed at school etc. why are people like that? I am so incredibly proud of my DS (although he obviously has his faults!) and am so pleased when other people praise him.

lockets Sat 09-Feb-13 13:28:21

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ajandjjmum Sat 09-Feb-13 13:44:37

Don't you think that sometimes is a slightly twisted form of not wanting to brag about your DC?

BigAudioDynamite Sat 09-Feb-13 13:48:51

I think its fine, as long as not in front of kids

Inseywinseyupthespout Sat 09-Feb-13 13:49:15

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BigAudioDynamite Sat 09-Feb-13 13:50:34

Its a bit of a change from denying little johnnie could possibly have any faults at all, ever!

Thumbwitch Sat 09-Feb-13 13:53:02

Yes, depends on the situation as to whether or not you're BU, I think.

If they're being serious, then YANBU because it is awful to downplay every little success (my Mum was one of those types too - come home with a 95% result and she'd want to know what happened to the other 5% hmm)

But if it's lighthearted, then YABU.

BigAudioDynamite Sat 09-Feb-13 13:53:06

Exactly insey self deprecation and sarcasm are important lessons grin

carabos Sat 09-Feb-13 14:03:41

I picked up DS2 from his after- school martial arts class one time and arrived at the same time as one of the dads. The teacher asked each of us which child we had come to collect. Naturally I said DS name. The dad said "mine's the lunatic" hmm.

Teacher looked confused and said "sorry, who?". Dad laughed and said "you can't have more than one lunatic". At this point a little girl appeared. Stereotype little girl, plaits, school dress, pretty pretty. The Dad said "Here she is, come on nutter". hmm.

Wonder how he'd like being referred to as "dickhead" cos that's clearly what he was.

HilaryClinton Sat 09-Feb-13 14:04:48

Ajandjj no I think it is a very overt form of telling your children that they aren't up to scratch.
Lighted hearted? Why can't they just say "Thanks, that's nice to know." if they want to make an inoffensive reply

wannabedomesticgoddess Sat 09-Feb-13 14:06:54

I think that people dont want to be seen as bragging or pushy parents so they go too far the other way.

saintlyjimjams Sat 09-Feb-13 14:12:25

I always say that ds3 is completely different at home than school because he is. It's like having 2 completely different children.

BeaWheesht Sat 09-Feb-13 14:13:24

Hmmm I think I've probably done this obviously not to the extent of calling them offensive names.

I praise them alllll the time though and they know I think they're brilliant but the thing is that my kids are sooooo perfect sometimes I feel bad for people so I have to downplay it, you know?


herewegoloubylou Sat 09-Feb-13 14:21:48

A scary number of parents describe their dc as "lazy". It's like all the textbooks on parenting had never been written.

LookingThroughTheFog Sat 09-Feb-13 14:25:47

Some of the examples here do feel over the top, and yes, I remember being put down in a similar way by my father.

On the other hand, in a similar situation, I sought out a friend because I'd just helped out at a school disco, and of the 8 boys from DSs class who'd attended, 7 had been awful (including DS), and one had been an utter gem. At the end of the evening, I was exhausted, just trying to stop the other seven maim each other.

So to make it a bit more of a happy occasion for me, I found the eighth boy's mum the next day, and told her how brilliantly he had behaved.

She instantly said 'Really? My boy? I can't believe that!', yes, in front of him but, she was glowing with pride over it. The next day she found me to tell me that she'd had to tell her husband what I'd said. And the boy in question had got a cinema trip out of it.

So yes, it seems like a horrible thing to say, and yes, you have to be careful with what you say, but I also think that sometimes, the way you act tells your child a million times more about how you feel than what you actually say.

pigletmania Sat 09-Feb-13 14:28:50

Yabu and overreacting a tad.

HilaryClinton Sat 09-Feb-13 14:33:07

Herewego- yy such a self fulfilling prophesy.

HilaryClinton Sat 09-Feb-13 14:34:16

Piglet. How so- the people who posted after being on the receiving end mostly agree with me

StripeyBear Sat 09-Feb-13 14:42:23

YANBU Ungrateful buggers. Children deserve better parents than that.

Also hate it when people say they are fed up of their children, or want them adopted or can't wait till they leave home (when they are six years old) etc.

I think a good exercise, if you are prone to saying stupid crap like this - would be to imagine your husband voicing these words about YOU to a table of his mates in the pub, and see if it would make you feel good.

rollmopses Sat 09-Feb-13 14:49:42

Self-fulfilling prophecy.
Years later the down-putting, ahem, parents sit and wonder, why is little Kylee or Darren being such lazy/rude/etc goodfornothing.
Because you daft bint, told them that they are.


ppeatfruit Sat 09-Feb-13 14:51:11

YANBU There are so many parents and teachers who don't realise that young DCs don't understand sarcasm or lightheartedness .

I have a good mum but I still remember her laughing AT me (or so it seemed to me) because I didn't understand the fact that there are 10 pennies in a 10 pence piece.

I know that the thing to do to make your DC feel happy and proud (not made too much of ) is to make sure that they ACCIDENTALLY overhear you praising them. Everyone needs to feel wanted and encouraged not put down.

ArielThePiraticalMermaid Sat 09-Feb-13 14:52:33

Ok but there is a happy medium. Parents should not be afraid to confront their child's faults and help them overcome them. So many children grow up now being unable to deal with anything other than constant constant praise.

Sunnywithshowers Sat 09-Feb-13 14:52:42


My DF said that I'd never amount to anything. It still hurts, over 30 years later.

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