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To be upset that DH is off to NZ for his sisters wedding and I'm not.....

(108 Posts)
skyblue11 Sat 09-Feb-13 11:45:51

Up till yesterday his Mum and Dad were going, then we find out his selfish Mum decides not to go because she is afraid of being ill whilst there, so DH steps in and says he will go, at the moment his Dad will pay for his ticket only, or will try to change the name at the least. I'm upset on a couple of counts, his job and mine are at risk, so we haven't booked a family holiday for this year but I have saved a little, this will now be used as even if his ticket is paid for then there will of course be plenty of other things he has to pay for. I accept he has to go, why would he not it's too good an opportunity to not take up the holiday of a lifetime but as a family we're missing out on this event too so I find that sad, plus the fact any chance we had of a holiday is gone. I am annoyed at my MIL for she doesn't think of the knock on effect on everything and everyone least not his employers and the job situation.....

brummiegirl1 Sat 09-Feb-13 12:45:34

Also to add i'm not saying just because you are married you have to do everything together but you don't seem to have been considered from your inlaws point of view.

Maryz Sat 09-Feb-13 12:47:23

Get your dh to ask.

Maybe they would do it for him?

"Dad, I would love to go with you to ds's wedding, but you know what would make me really happy, if I could take skyblue and dd with me. We could all have a wonderful time, you could spend time with dd etc. Would you be prepared to pay the flights for us, and we will pay you back over time".

He could ask. They could say no, but they might just be embarrassed into saying yes. And he should ask - if he is prepared to accept the air fare from them for him, he should also be prepared to step and ask them to do the same for you.

He should ask.

skyblue11 Sat 09-Feb-13 12:47:41

brummiegirl, you too have summed it up, thank you for recognising it's not about stopping him but the repercussions it has on us as a family.

skyblue11 Sat 09-Feb-13 12:50:16

Maryz you're right - he should ask - but even if I asked him to I know he'd laugh about it and refuse to. That's how he is. Plus I know IL's would refuse they don't really have much to do with us unless they are ill or need help like now....

Maryz Sat 09-Feb-13 12:54:04

Well I'd be spitting if he refused to even talk to them about it.

If he is willing to accept presents for him, he should ask for you and dd.

I haven't had a holiday abroad for years. And my savings have just disappeared into fixing up the car (don't ask) and a school trip for ds. I'm considering asking my dad for a donation (not a huge amount, just cost of ryanair flights) so I can take dd and ds2 away for a week - they can say no if they want to, but I suspect they would be happy to. And I know they have the money atm.

ivanapoo Sat 09-Feb-13 12:57:12

NZ isn't a very expensive place so he could be fairly frugal while there. And maybe borrow/hire a dinner jacket to wear?

I would definitely try to go with him, it might be the only chance you'll get to go and it's a stunning place.

AThingInYourLife Sat 09-Feb-13 13:04:55

So he gets to spend all the family money treating himself, and you get nothing.

He's a dick.

His parents are dicks.

Just tell him he can't have the money you have saved.

He doesn't deserve it, the selfish cunt.

Let him be relaxed about money without taki g every penny you have for himself.

Iamsparklyknickers Sat 09-Feb-13 13:04:57

I would find his attitude hard to deal with tbh.

I can completely understand how you're feeling conflicted if he is behaving in such a defensive entitled manner about using money that means the rest of the family have to skimp and miss out, even though the stuff he wants to do is understandable.

I'd be tempted to take him up on it the next time he guilt trips you with "I won't go then". He doesn't have to be droolingly grateful, but he does have to appreciate his one activity is being paid for at the expense of the rest of his family ffs. Cheeky begger.

diddl Sat 09-Feb-13 13:06:24

I´d be happy enough for my OH to go to his sibling´s wedding.

However, I wouldn´t be happy for him to go mad with family money whilst there.

hermioneweasley Sat 09-Feb-13 13:08:30

I think it's rude of ILs to pay for DH only. It's really disrespectful to you as a family. In their position I would be mortified and apologetic and only offer the MILs ticket on its own if they absolutely coukdn't afford to pay for others.

Presumably before this your DH was not planning to go to his sister's wedding, so why is it imperative he does now? Also, if he uses 2-3 weeks of annual leave on this, you will have very limited time as a family this year, regardless of whether you can afford to go away in that time.

For me this would be a no.

skyblue11 Sat 09-Feb-13 13:09:44


DH has just called, they are trying to change name on tickets, FIL has said he doesn't want this to cause a rift between us so I suggested to DH he pay for all of us, I just stated to DH that I feel left out and excluded. Whether he will mention it we shall see.

When SIL cam over this year from what she said it's very expensive there esp food. Hw could have borrowed his Dads dinner jacket but he'll be using it!

whateveritakes Sat 09-Feb-13 13:14:10

Why has no one explained to in laws how difficult this will be?

I'd have thought 3 weeks leave would have been enough for most parents to see they were being done a favour. Have you explained how tight the budget is?

If you unite and say "no" what will happen?

Will FIL go on his own? Will they be upset with you both or will they try and sort something out?

Maryz Sat 09-Feb-13 13:14:37

The thing is, if you all go you will be able to afford food, because you would be paying for it here anyway.

You don't need new outfits, look in the back of the wardrobe or borrow. I bet your dh has a friend with a DJ hidden in an attic somewhere.

Your dh should at least ask. If they say no, then fair enough you can just ignore them forever but he should ask.

skyblue11 Sat 09-Feb-13 13:20:30

I don't think they have any idea of the repercussions or indeed are bothered by them except that FIL doesn't want 'a rift' between me and DH which there won't be but I just want them to understand and appreciate our point of view. Like the leave being taken, precious savings used and the rest of the family feeling left out.

skyblue11 Sat 09-Feb-13 13:28:06

DH feels obliged to accompany his ageing FIL (mind you he's only 72). I feel I'm stuck here because I'm dammed if I do and dammed if I don't.

Like, I really want him to go and I don't want him to miss out and the minute he says 'well, if that's how you feel I won't go' then it makes me feel worse and if he were to cancel for my feelings that would be really bad and he'd never let me forget it.

How can I get him to understand it's about us as a family unit and our money we are using towards things we'd all like to do? As a family...

MummytoKatie Sat 09-Feb-13 13:59:14

I'm not surprised you are annoyed!

You saved the money - presumably by going without things you would have liked - including Olympic tickets while he swanned off to have a lovely time there- and now he is planning to spend all the money on something just for him. And he won't even try to be frugal because he'll be "in holiday mood".

Plus theree are obvious implications on his annual leave.

Plus you have a teenage child who won't be going away with you much longer and you wanted to spend the money on a family holiday before she gets too old.

And he's not even being grateful!?!

I'd be pretty annoyed about this. I wouldn't stop dh from going but I would be expecting him to figure out how to limit the costs and also what he can cut out of his luxuries to replace the money ASAP.

Incidentally - ask around with the dinner jacket - quite a lot of people have them - often sitting back at the wardrobe never worn! (My dh has worn his about 5 times in the last decade.)

Iamsparklyknickers Sat 09-Feb-13 14:14:09

If he doesn't understand now, no amount of explaining will get it through to him (I think he does understand, he's just been selfish in this instance).

It's more about you acquiring some of his ability to be confident that you're also in the right. Just because he try's to make you feel guilty doesn't mean you have too.

The more I read the more I think he shouldn't go all things considered:

1. He can't afford it comfortably and without impacting anyone else
2. His annual leave entitlement will probably be completely swallowed up
3. He was fine with not going before mil said she wasn't
4. If fil and mil go over on an annual basis, fil will be fine going alone, his daughter will be there fgs.
5. Trips to the other side of the world require planning financially for most people, as a family you couldn't commit initially so even taking the ticket out of the equation what makes it doable now?
6. In a perfect world you wouldn't mind, the world isn't perfect, shit happens
7. He took significant time and money for the once in a lifetime Olympics last year. The balance of fairness means tough this time.
8. Again he wasn't bothered enough to start finding ways to get to the wedding when he first found out if it was that important to him, so bollocks is it important now.
9. Considering all of the above his wife and kids miss out on a holiday because of his whim.

Just no.

Iamsparklyknickers Sat 09-Feb-13 14:25:08

....and him taking mil's place so readily may actually be enabling her. Maybe if no one else would go she would look at sorting her anxiety and go.

ENormaSnob Sat 09-Feb-13 14:26:53

Agree with athing.

This would be a no here, due to the money aspect.

skyblue11 Sun 10-Feb-13 10:08:00

Iamsparkly....fab post above sums everything up for me and really helpful.

A few things have happened since yesterday.

I found out that DH aunt (who is more loaded than FIL) is paying for ticket FIL is not, so that annoyed me he'd take the money from his relative to pay for his son! BTW the ticket is £3500 because they only fly business class, what the hell is that about? The name can't be changed so they have 'lost' £3500 for MIL ticket, can you imagine wasting that kind of money?

Also DH refused to go 'cap in hand' as he put it to ask for tickets for us all said he'd never ask him for anything because that's the type of relationship they have.

At the moment DH is playing a guilt trip on me saying he's not now going as he doesn't think it's fair on us. I am keeping quiet and letting him make his own decisions.

nipersvest Sun 10-Feb-13 10:15:00

am quite stunned at the flight price, a friend of mine is from new zealand and goes back to visit her family, am sure she pays in the region of 1-1.5k.

anyway, that's by the by, hope you get it sorted.

MortifiedAdams Sun 10-Feb-13 10:16:00

OP, how would you feel if it was your sister?

DH has recently returned from NZ where he had gone to see his Best Friend and be Best Man at his wedding. DD and I didnt go as we couldnt afford for all of us to go and travelling all that way with a one year old would be hell. He was away 2.5 weeks, to do the stag stuff, help with wedding prep and the big day itself too.

We are both on a low wage and only holiday in the UK so it was a major expense for us, but worth it. Imo.

Some things are very important to some people and I would forgoe my annual holiday for one year to do (or dh do) something like this.

MortifiedAdams Sun 10-Feb-13 10:17:20

DHs ticket was £850 return and that was peak time. Not business class and some lengthy stop overs but much much cheaper than the MILs ticket.

Maryz Sun 10-Feb-13 10:20:32

For £3,500 you could all have a fabulous holiday, even go to New Zealand for the wedding.

I can't believe they can't get the money back - do they not have insurance? Your mil goes to gp, gets a cert saying she can't fly due to anxiety, they get a refund on the business ticket and the three of you buy economy tickets on the same flight to "look after your fil".

Sorted grin

Mortified, if you read the thread you would realise that the husband obviously wasn't desperate to go to the wedding as he hadn't planned to in the first place, and also that they wouldn't be foregoing their "annual" holiday, they don't have an annual holiday. They would be foregoing the possibility of having any sort of a holiday in the foreseeable future.

Whoknowswhocares Sun 10-Feb-13 10:27:09

There is a very very easy way round this then. Use the £3500 and instead of one ridiculously overpriced business class ticket, buy tickets for both/all of you in cattle standard class

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