To been furious to the point of throwing him dh out!(74 Posts)
The OP knows she needs to work as a team with her DH. He isn't willing to at the moment
What strikes me is that right when this happened, you were divided as a family. DS1 might have regarded goingnaway with his dad as a treat. OTOH he must have been very very confused that his brother was seriously ill and he is not with him, or his mother. He may have felt punished.
OP i am so sorry you are bearing the brunt of this. I reiterate the family therapy idea. If you are to split up with your DH, this would still be necessary.
You need to sort this out one way or the other, the damage you are both doing to your boys will be profound, their self esteem will be smashed
You asked him to leave, he has left, he is just playing the childish, "i;ll show her" game that you were playing when you asked him to leave - you didn't think he would, he has. I recognise alot of my own behaviours in this post which is why i am being a bit harsh on you because seeing how damaging it is to have warring parents is on your DC really makes me think twice about doing it myself.
It might be for the best that he has gone - your DH sounds vile, how can he speak so disparagingly about his son?
i agree this cant continue as both boys are being damaged emotionally.
any negative comment about a child is extremely damaging and should never ever be said in the child's hearing i cannot stress this enough.
you mentioned positive parenting can you elaborate as the only thing you mentioned was you praise them every hour which is no where near enough. the balance of attention suggest at the very least a child should be praised 5 times as much as any negative comment they recieve.
you also mention operating a three strike method does this include hitting out at each other as i would in these circumstances suggest a one strike policy.
if your oh comes back one of the things you could suggest to him is offering a reward system for good behavior as discipline is a negative rather than a positive. this is something you should do anyway.
star charts can work really well google them for some fab ideas.
you offer a reward for behavior you want such as getting through a dinner in peace then reward it with something as simple as picking a pudding, a special story, one to one time on a game, extra time on a game the list is endless. this will mean that the children will learn very quickly that life is better if you follow the rules such as not hitting each other, pushing shouting etc.
if you stick to it and improve the numbers of times you praise it will dramatically improve both boys behavior. not over night of course but it will happen.
I agree with quoteunquote
You don't seem to have any clear strategy here. You're understandably distressed but though you say your husband won't engage, won't go to counselling etc, you don't sound sound keen to face up to the fact that you might need professional help either. At the very least you do need a united front on working on your marriage and with your children and the damaging situation could well benefit from professional, trained involvement.
To be honest OP, unless you completely change what you are doing you are totally stuffed.
In a very short space of time that seven year old is going to be bigger than you, and you will be on the receiving end of his frustration, followed by his brother.
your children need to be kind to each other, you need to parent as a team, because you will end up with boys doing things that mean you are not able to help them,
work out a plan, sit down with your husband ask if he wants to join you, ask if he has worked out a plan, if not get on with it on your own, and don't let him distract you, time is ticking, you have a relatively short time to solve this.
sorry to be harsh, but it will be far harsher if you don't address it.
X-post, I wouldn't be accepting a shrug as an answer...I would be working to find out what the shrug meant (I don't know, I don't want to talk about it, I don't care, I don't like him) and them exploring it further.
It's almost sounding as if a 'ds1 = daddies boy, ds2 = mummies boy' line had been drawn in his mind...or he's worked out that he can get at you by targeting ds2.
I think there needs to be a LOT more communicating - between you and DS and just as importantly for everyone's sake, between you and your DH (once you've both had some time out space).
Maybe contact relate or something? Even if your DH isn't interested you may still find it useful.
If your elder son is violent towards his brother and can't say why he doesn't sound "placid" to me.
He's only THREE! My DS1 is 7 and DS2 is 3. I would be terribly upset if DH were showing signs of preferring one over the other. And I would also be upset if DS1 were unkind to DS2, and didn't at least try and tolerate his three-ness, just as I endeavour to ensure that DS2 isn't irritating DS1.
Your DH's attitude is harmful. He is undermining you and showing favouritism.
I would also say that family therapy might well be beneficial to you all and I don't see how you're going to make the family dynamics more healthy without it.
Dh won't go to some wacky counselling
Were those his words or are they yours?
Sounds like a crisis point. I'm sorry you are going through this. Having said that, the only way things are going to change is to hit a wall where the current situation just can't carry on. Stay firm, stay strong in defending your family and its happiness. If only he would agree to talk, I genuinely believe you need the space a therapist could help you create to communicate with each other.
OP, I'm seriously not trying to cause a storm here, but i do have questions:
How much quality time did ds1 receive during the time ds2 was injured and needing treatment? If there was a significant deterioration in behaviour around this time then there's a good chance that resentment has played a part.
Have any in-house restrictions been placed on ds1 because of ds2's allergies? Again, this can be a source of resentment.
Have you tried to get ds1 to explain why he acts the way he does?
I hope you and your OH manage to work through this; is refusal to take ds 2 'because he couldn't look after him and support ds1' maks me wonder if he doesn't trust himself?
Altinkum, I just wanted to say, I said what I did not to put the boot in and I am sorry if it hurts. I am concerned for you and you family and I really hope things get better for you. My 4 year old DS 2 is a pain in the arse, but we don't say it in front of him, and love hime just as much as DS1, who is a PITA is his own way.
Good luck with it all.
Change the locks now he has gone, you are well shot of him. He isn't doing your children any good; favoritism hurts both children in the end, not just the "neglected" one. What is he bringing to the family emotionally? do you all have a laugh and a good time together? Is it a happy atmosphere most of the time? Because it needs to be.
If he is the person who poured petrol on a bonfire around his family, it might have been an accident, but he was very careless with something so precious as his family. That he hurt DS2 and now overlooks him, says to me he is blaming the victim of his own mistakes. DS2 will always be his whipping boy.
Sorry, to be so blunt, but you sound like one unhappy family and I have to ask: what is the point in continuing in this set up?
I appreciate it must have been a shock to you that he just walked out without saying anything but this could be for the best.
He is probably as shocked as you are that you actually told him to leave. Hopefully it's the kick up the arse he needs and he's sitting somewhere thinking about what he can do to help turn this around.
he's probably as confused and upset about things as you are, op, and doesn't know what to do for the best.
perhaps this could be a watershed moment for your family.
Why wouldn´t he leave if you´ve been arguing most of the day & you asked him to?
Doesn´t mean that he intends to stay away forever, does it?
Should he have told you to leave instead??
I am sorry. Hopefully it is just a pride thing and he's calling your bluff. Try not to ring him or anything at least he knows how serious it is/ you are about resolving this.
You asked him to leave and he has. It sounds like some space and time to think is what you both need right now. This is a toxic situation for your family and can't continue.
OP, you´ve asked him to leave & he has done!
Sounds as if you both need some time to calm down tbh.
It also sounds as if you are testing him in some way.
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