To been furious to the point of throwing him dh out!(74 Posts)
I rarely say this as I honestly think very few situations merit it but:
What you've described is so emotionally damaging to both boys... You can't let it go on
No wonder your DS2 can be 'hard work' if his own father won't even spend time with him because he thinks he's a "pain in the arse". What a horrible attitude to have with your own child
This will never get resolved as long as your DH undermines you and favors DS1 imo. He either has to work with you as a team or fuck off tbh as this will cause unfixable damage in the long run
Get this moved to Relationships.
You'll get very good practical advice.
And I agree with SummerRain. There's nothing good going on here.
Can you imagine how your DS1 will treat you when he's a teenager with a father like that? And the damage done to DS2?
If your H won't listen then it's beyond saving.
I think it is hard to comment on whether your or your DH is right regarding which child winds who up as children can be quite sneaky, I have 2 boys and it is often the same in our house (other than the fact DH and I tend to agree over it all). It seems odd that other people find your DS2 hard work too so maybe your DH has a point however he doesn't sound like he deals with it particularly well!
I think YABU to say your DS1 could not go to his football match as it would be letting his team mates down and I believe this is an important quality to teach your DCs but your DH should have spoken to you privately and explained what he wanted to do and should never have said that in front of your son, this will just cause him to ignore your authority and go to his dad all the time!
YANBU to be upset about him undermining you - I would be livid about this. It sounds like you need to agree what punishments are suitable and maybe discuss what it is that your DS2 is doing to make people think he is a PITA. He is only 3 and they are generally hard work at this age but adults (who have had children themselves) should be able to handle this TBH, especially when one of them is their dad!
I am not sure what the OP has said in her post actually suggests she should LTB (yet) - definitely agree this should go in relationships - AIBU is definitely not the right place for this type of advice!
There's a huge backstory to this if I remember rightly though, Altinkum ?
Massive apologies if I'm wrong, but I think you are the poster whose youngest was burned badly a few years back and has had a lot of hospital time and grafts. Wasn't your husband injured as well?
So the dynamics within your family have already had an enormous amount of stress placed on them, and your children have had much more to cope with than an uneventful family might have. Including a skewed sibling relationship, your youngest must have taken a lot of time and worry to get through his injuries.
Have you thought of family counselling?
there are a lot of problems - you and DH fighting in front of the children at the top of the list.
also imposing punishment (no football) without prior discussion
you clearly favour Dc2
I also am not a believer in time out - positive parenting would be more effective
also DH provably right about it too cold for ds2
Unless you and dh act like the adults you are supposed to be and responsible for the two lives you brought into the world then your kids are screwed.
Some of your comments in your children made me shiver to be honest and your dh telling his sons that their mother is 'wrong and daddy is the best' makes me want to vomit.
If you don't get a grip on this then your oldest will he punching you in 5 years time.
You all need some family counselling.
I think, it may have been harsh to cancel the football.
It sounds to me the problem is that your H and you both impose sanctions ( or lift them) on your own, rather than as a team. IMO, for discipline to work, both parents need to read from the same hymn sheet.
You may be entrenched in a situation where you defend Ds2 and H defends Ds1, but it is not fair for the kids to be stuck in the middle!
Could you have a good, honest chat to your H about discipline and how to enforce it? how not to undermine eachother?
Otherwise weekends are no fun!
( I say this as a mum of two boys. DH and I agree on sanctions before imposing them, and back eachotehr up, even if I think DH may have been a bit harsh, or a bit soft. We present a united front, otherwise the kids play us out against eachother! Not being smug, btw, we have been there...)
Imo it sounds like you are in a cycle of you favouring ds2 and him doing the same of ds1.
You say ds2 is no angel, but your posts very much come across as thought ds2 is a victim and ds1 is always to blame.
Perhaps some family counselling?
but the more you favour one, dh will favour the other and vice versa.
this will be impacting ds1 as well. He will know you favour his younger sibling.
I can't tell you whether to leave dh or not. Bt its not a healthy environment. But I don't think its just him. I think you have found yourself it a bad situation.
does your DH disagree with your discipline methods?? because that's what it sounds like.
also - it maybe people find Dc2 really hard work - just maybe they think they are helping by taking dc1 for a while?
Sounds like your dh needs to learn to engage with ds2, as you see you've two very different boys. Different things make different people tick.
Like others have said its team work. What happens when you all have family time?
I'm either thinking you all need some fun family time or you need to swap, so you take ds1 to football and get ds2 into a class his dad does with him.
But your dh needs to be on board with this
The problem is that you said you di favour the younger because others don't. Ds1 will pick up on it. I can promise that.
As for other family members. My mum struggles with my ds (2) because he us so much mire energetic than dd. And honestly its doesn't bother me. Mum does have to have either of them having one of them is a favour. I understand her reluctance to have ds.
your problems sound like a family problem. Not just your dhs or yours or ds1. It needs to be tackled as a family.
you are missing my point - they many take dc1 as its easier for you not to have 2 of them, especially if they fight all the time.
My nearly 5 year old is hard work so people take the younger one as she is easier - that means I get time to concentrate on the older one.
You can't blame people for wanting to take a placid 7 year old over a boisterous 3 year old.
plus a 7 year old can do more - a 3 year old would need constant supervision in an allotment which is fine when they are yours and its a fun family activity bit not so great of there are things you need to get done.
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