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Not wanting to be invited to a lunch if there is someone I don't talk to?

(340 Posts)
Neverland2013 Fri 08-Feb-13 22:46:22

I will try to keep it short. I had a big fall out with one of the mums from our 'mumsgroup' over a year ago. In the past, during a B'day party, I managed to be civil to this person but I am rather annoyed that one of my friends invited me as well as the other person to a Saturday lunch although she knows how I feel.

Cherriesarelovely Tue 12-Feb-13 17:48:32

Yanbu exactly, especially if the person hosting the event was a very close friend of yours and not of the woman you have fallen out with. On the other hand if she was as friendly with both of you then it was fair enough she asked you both. I'm sure you would prefer that than not being asked.

I know how you feel though, we had a terrible falling out with old friends last year (over our children). Tried and tried to approach them to resolve it and was blanked every time. We gave up after a year and, like you, could not be in the same room as them now. I think it is much worse when friends take sides though.

CinnabarRed Tue 12-Feb-13 17:15:38

My XH once bought a flat for us to live in that I hadn't seen. He thought it was perfect for us (it was), I was feeling very fragile because we'd lost a lovely property (failed its survey), and he wanted to move quickly to put an offer in. He called me, told me he loved the flat, suggested putting an offer in there and then, and I agreed.

So, it's possible that the ex-friend really hadn't seen the property before her DH put their offer in, particularly if she herself was depressed (to the point of losing friendships from what the OP has said) and felt too fragile to get involved in the househunting process.

ivykaty44 Tue 12-Feb-13 16:19:08

hissy i twice tried to view a couple of houses that had been offered on that morning so they refused - even thought we were in a great possition to buy - i guess it depends who you deal with they must all vary

Hissy Tue 12-Feb-13 00:10:16

if you had put an offer in and had it accepted then the house would have been sold and she would not have been able to view it."

Oh if only that kind of integrity actually existed in house selling...

digerd Sun 10-Feb-13 17:33:19

And my Estate Agent lied to me when he told me there were 5 others waiting to pay the full asking price for that bungalow. The truth was there had been 5 other viewers but all were not interested as far too much work needed doing on it. I pulled out and they reduced it by £10,000 .

digerd Sun 10-Feb-13 17:25:08

OP already explained that she HAD put an offer in and told her 'friend' how much and how high she could go. 'Friend ' then went behind her back and put in a higher offer, having not mentioned she was interested in finding a new house. The other 'friends' knew this but didn't tell OP until after completion.

ivykaty44 Sun 10-Feb-13 14:57:44

the freind that is somehow stuck in the middle - well possibly they didn't realise how you still feel about this woman buying a house you liked.

Is she wrong to invite guests to her house - no she is not.

Do though explain to her why you don't want to go and I am sure they will drop you from social occasions

ivykaty44 Sun 10-Feb-13 14:55:32

so did you put an offer in for the house? I am guessing you didn't as she viewed the house a week later and if you had put an offer in and had it accepted then the house would have been sold and she would not have been able to view it.

Do you think that maybe they waited a few days to see if you offered on it and then when to view it and the agent would have said whether there was any other serious interest in the house (namely you) if you had put in an offer then.

flowery Sun 10-Feb-13 14:44:54

You weren't gazumped but I agree your ex friend didn't behave well.

However I find it weird to be cross with your other friend for inviting you to something confused. Inviting someone is a nice thing to do, leaving someone out is not. Seems like your friend couldn't win. If she had left you out no doubt you would be fed up about her taking sides with the ex friend.

If what you mean is you wanted your friend to exclude the ex friend, YABU for not saying that in your OP.

stradbally Sun 10-Feb-13 14:28:15


Maryz Sun 10-Feb-13 14:27:47

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Hullygully Sun 10-Feb-13 14:20:04

the other question is much more interesting tho you raving pedant

Trills Sun 10-Feb-13 14:17:58

I agree with Maryz that the question is not about "was the friend who bought the house in the wrong?"

The thread is about whether the friend who is stuck in the middle is wrong to invite both of them.

And the answer to that is "not necessarily".

Trills Sun 10-Feb-13 13:56:46

YABU to not want to be invited. That's ridiculous.

Especially because I imagine that what you want is for the other person not to be invited.

You don't want them to be invited and you not invited, so YAB especially U because the thing you say you want is not what you actually want.

The friend doing the inviting clearly either doesn't know precisely what went on, or does but doesn't think it is so bad. Either way, they have decided that they still want to be friends with both of you.

I think the invite-er is being perfectly reasonable to invite both of you, let you both know that the other is invited, and let you sort out your spat between yourselves.

amillionyears Sun 10-Feb-13 13:39:49

Oh, should say, agree with Hully!

Viviennemary Sun 10-Feb-13 13:39:37

I've not read all of this thread. To me gazumped means somebody puts in an offer, and it is accepted. Then somebody else comes along and puts in a higher bid which is then accepted and the first buyers told to get lost. Now if this is what happened in this case then the OP should find new friends. And if not then she should think again.

amillionyears Sun 10-Feb-13 13:38:54

I feel sorry for the op.

ino, there are at least 3 sorts of "friends"
A. Friends that you tell almost anything to and think you can trust. Would immediately ring up in an emergency and expect and hope they would help you out. May only have 2 or 3 of these in your life, and are very important.
B. Friends who you hope you can trust. More of these.
C. Looser friends, acquaintances, work colleagues etc.

As far as I can see, the op thought her "friend" was definitely the A variety.
But , when the friendship was put to the test, she turned out to be the C variety at best. I would be gutted too.

digerd Sun 10-Feb-13 13:07:54

Because OP has already said in former posts that she had put an offer in. 'friend' had not told her that she was house hunting. OP told her excitedly how she had found a house she liked and told her what offer she had put in and how high she go to. Friend still said nothing.
The other friends knew that "friend" had put in a higher offer, but didn't tell OP. One of the other friends told OP after completion. Agree with HULLY

earlierintheweek Sun 10-Feb-13 13:04:10

Yes Hully - but the OP told what she was able to afford to bid up to. Which is a slightly different thing?

Hullygully Sun 10-Feb-13 13:01:53

the discussing money thing is irrelevant these days, all paid prices can be found online btw

Lambzig Sun 10-Feb-13 12:33:10

OP I think your ex-friend has behaved badly. I think she should have been open about going after the same house and not made up some obvious lie about her husband doing it behind her back. Therefore, if you dont want to see her dont.

However, I expect that your mutual friends just hear "she made a higher offer than me" and dont know the ins and outs (its also not clear as presumably you knew your offer had been turned down before completion?). As you can see from this thread, some people wouldn't think it was a big deal, particularly as ex-friend has apologised. Obviously you feel it is, but your friends might not and they want to include you in their social life. As a friend, I would probably have just kept out of it. I dont think you can expect the mutual friend to exclude her.

Also earlier I agree with you about not discussing money. My two closest friends have recently bought houses. I have discussed their moves endlessly, talked about feelings on moving, looked at photo's, been shopping with them for new stuff for their houses (as well as sharing lots and lots of non-housing related experiences with them), but I dont have a clue how much they paid for their new homes. I have a vague idea of one because I know the area, but it could be £100k out. Why on earth would they mention that? Doesn't make it the OP's fault, but I wouldn't discuss money either.

Hullygully Sun 10-Feb-13 12:27:44

it depends, I went through a "you are going to die" experience and it made me less tolerant of shitty behavior, not more

stradbally Sun 10-Feb-13 12:25:32

I just think the OP should get over it, life is messy. IMHO she should be glad she has friends who invite her to lunch, glad she has a house, even if it's not THE house, and glad that she belongs to the mumsgroup because she has children, which so many people are desperate to have and can't. I'm sorry if that all sounds a bit Pollyanna, and I'm not saying she hasn't been let down, but she should learn to not sweat the small stuff. Just go to the lunch and enjoy yourself. Having cancer has taught me this, and I really wish more people would learn it without having to go through cancer. I don't mean that to sound melodramatic, or make it be about me, but it's just true smile

earlierintheweek Sun 10-Feb-13 12:14:44

Pardon got?

gotthemoononastick Sun 10-Feb-13 12:13:46

Of course Hully is correct.The word 'friend is so overused'.You are very lucky to be able to count your friends on one hand.These would always think like the Op and Hullygully.

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