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To hide a little warning note to MIL when she comes to babysit tomorrow?

(946 Posts)
Wheresmygalaxy Fri 08-Feb-13 21:49:37

Tomorrow will be the 3rd time MIL has come to babysit for us since our son was born, hes 7 months.

The 1st time dp and I went to ikea and when we returned she was prattling on and on about applying for child tax credits, all about how wonderful sil is eligible for them but doesnt claim - good for her, thought it was an odd topic but she is odd smile

so the next time she babysit upon our return she was now gabbering on about which local hospital is the best to go to, she didnt like the one i gave birth in and made it well known that it wasnt as good as the 1 her friends daughter went to, so again im thinking what on earth is she on about. Then after she had gone i opened a drawer in my bedside table only to find my next hospital appt check up letter was in there and it was clearly obvious that she had gone through it while i was out. I find this just really odd i know shes really nosey but to go through of all the things in the house my bedside drawer i just found weird. She has mentioned other things that have made me think how does she even know that but having put 2 and 2 together its clear shes snooping around while were out. I love her for coming to babysit, shes giving up her time but that doesnt mean come in and go through my things does it!

I mentioned it to DP nad he said yep she always used to do it to him and his sister growing up and in fact continued to clean their rooms up until the ages of 21 and 24 when they finally left home (believe me ive shared my views on that alone since i found out hmm ).

so aibu to write a note something along the lines of "get out you nosey old cow" on a piece of paper. or something a bit more dramatic like some retirement home brochures with her name at the top grin

LayMizzRarb Wed 13-Feb-13 19:14:27

I would not be happy with someone snooping through my things; even less someone having sole charge of my child who had more regard for her need for alcohol than the care of her grandchild. I would NEVER. Leave her alone with him now.

Anygivenmummy Wed 13-Feb-13 19:00:06

Ooh no you're not at all, it do it!! She deserves it!

Inertia Tue 12-Feb-13 16:01:57

WeAllHaveWings- well that's fine for you, your DH agreed with you and you came to an agreement that suited you both. In Galaxy's case. her DH had been conditioned- along with the rest of the family- to tread on eggshells around his mother and give in to her demands. So despite Galaxy's reservations, her DH wanted to allow his mother to babysit.

Growlithe- he didn't actually listen to any reason. He had to see it for himself. MIL wasn't encouraged to snoop in any way, she brought all this on herself. It would seem that in this family, everything MIL does is swept under the carpet so just talking about problems isn't enough.

And, as Galaxy has come back on to say, the snooping issue has been blown out of the water by the excessive drinking anyway.

Wheresmygalaxy Tue 12-Feb-13 14:22:59

For what its worth, mil has babysat before this event and never drunk, When i say she drinks its always, ALWAYS been in the privacy of her own home so inviting her here to babysit, it didnt even enter my mind she would drink here as i know how she tries to hide to from people, only for the fact that she had already decided to have a drink and had the foresight to go and actually buy a bottle and bring it with her not even telling us i wouldnt of expected her to drink.

Now i know that she cant even come to someone else's house without being trusted not to drink i now know not to ask her to babysit again. Not even bother by the snooping at all now as ive said numerous times previously.

Growlithe again for what its worth, i was bought tickets to a show, so therefore couldnt just cancel,it wasnt just a night out at the pub or whatever my own mum was asked to babysit but during the week i realised she was still too ill to do so, , we went out to the show, had a drink afterwards and came home. Whilst a mother now, i feel i am still allowed a life to go out and shouldnt have to justify who minds my child with no reason to believe any harm could be done. Especially the childs grandmother. She is a functioning alcoholic, holds down a mortgage, job, functions like you or I. It wasnt a set up more asking for something so embarrassing that she would be shocked into not snooping, yes i could of just said to her i dont like you snooping, please dont do it, but at the risk of repeating myself she is not the type of person to be told in that way.

This started as a light hearted thread, again as ive also mentioned previously i dont know if youve read the whole thread, maybe just the op, but i explained how mil wasnt the type of person you could sit down and have a conversation with. I'm also sorry you feel i have my own issues, after reading just a few posts about a small portion of my life. Judging much....

Yes i was pissed off about her snooping, I was asking for jokey advice, i hardly resorted to "home alone" tactics to keep her out of my private things, If she wouldnt of been searching she wouldnt have come across anything to worry her would she?

i never meant this to be taken so serious. Finding mil drinking when i came home put stop to that.

MyDarlingClementine Tue 12-Feb-13 14:15:13

"'Acted appropriately to put a stop to it' - really? Printing off application forms to emigrate to Australia? Why not try having a grown up conversation with her DH? "

Wow, I love how clear cut and easy some people think solutions are.

Snorbs Tue 12-Feb-13 14:10:59

I don't think there's any way to distinguish between gross self-entitlement / inability to respect personal boundaries / controlling behaviour / tendency to create drama / etc caused by NPD and that caused by long-term serious alcoholism.

My ex can do a very convincing impression of having BPD when drinking but it's just the booze. Those behaviours go away after a period of sobriety.

utterlyscared1 Tue 12-Feb-13 13:44:37

OP - have you heard of narcissistic personality disorder?

Sorry, just that i hadn't until fairly recently. Going by v little in your posts i.e. the snooping, talking about you, controlling behaviour, winding others up to come and see you. We've had all of this from my MIL. For years I just accepted this was how she was, but things became more sinister and a friend pointed out this disorder to me. It explained her behaviour both to me and my DH.

I could be putting 2 and 2 together and come up with 10, but...

BTW if she hadn't been snooping she wouldn't have come across the info - not a set up, merely confirmation that she is going where she shouldn't.

Growlithe Tue 12-Feb-13 13:36:11

So he would not have listened to 'I don't want your mum to babysit our baby because she resorts to rooting in the loft to find a bottle of vodka which your dad had to hide from her, but he would listen to 'I don't want your mum to babysit our baby because she looked in your bedside drawer'.

Jeez, this family have problems, and not all of them are the MILs.

RedToothBrush Tue 12-Feb-13 13:26:05

I get the impression the 'grown up conversation' with the husband has already been done and went in one ear and out the other.

Resorting to doing this, was the way in which to get the husband to get his finger out of his arse and start taking the issue seriously...

Goldmandra Tue 12-Feb-13 13:21:32

He didn't want to listen to the OP saying that MIL will now not be able to babysit even with this evidence before him. What makes you think he would have listened before?

The behaviour of the whole family is geared up to giving the MIL what she wants. He needed to see this for himself. The OP has simply made the family face up to what the MIL was already doing. The OP didn't make her do it or even encourage or entice her to do it. She simply exposed it.

You have decided to deal with your DM's unacceptable behaviour by banning her from your house unsupervised. Maybe the OP's DH wouldn't have been willing to do that without proof that she was snooping.

piprabbit Tue 12-Feb-13 13:11:45

Snooping is bad enough.
Snooping then discussing your findings with the wider family and then asking other family members to go round and talk some sense into the people you snooped on, is so far beyond unforgivable that I can't begin to imagine the sort of person who acts like that.

Growlithe Tue 12-Feb-13 12:57:54

'Acted appropriately to put a stop to it' - really? Printing off application forms to emigrate to Australia? Why not try having a grown up conversation with her DH?

WeAllHaveWings Tue 12-Feb-13 12:57:20

I said the MIL is behaving badly. OP is perfectly reasonable not to have her MIL in her house under these circumstances, that is how to deal with the problem as an adult.

Lying to her dh, entrapping her MIL then acting all innocent to her dh imo is worse. This is not calling her on her behaviour, this is playing childish games.

My dh knows my mum does this too, we deal with it in an adult manner by not having her alone in the house - she knows this why we don't leave her alone in the house because we don't trust her not to snoop. She is my mum and I love her even with this one fault.

I would be beyond furious if I found out my dh had purposely set up my mum to highlight a fault everyone already knows about and also lied to me about it.

Goldmandra Tue 12-Feb-13 12:50:20

Why is the OP being accused of setting her MIL up?

Setting her up would involve creating a situation especially to entice her into snooping, perhaps by leaving something tempting out on view or making cryptic comments about moving to get her worried so she felt driven to investigate.

The OP didn't do anything to encourage the snooping. She was aware that it was happening and needed to find a way to stop it.

WeAllHaveWings - she isn't the OP's mother. This isn't like a continuation of parental vigilance beyond normal boundaries because the OP isn't her child and she has never been in a position where this could have been justified.

The OP felt violated with good reason and has acted appropriately to put a stop to it.

Growlithe Tue 12-Feb-13 12:48:58

Message deleted by Mumsnet for breaking our Talk Guidelines. Replies may also be deleted.

DontmindifIdo Tue 12-Feb-13 12:39:52

WeAllHaveWings - if my mum snooped around my house, I would say DH would be perfectly reasonable to say she wasn't allowed unsupervised in our house too - or that she was banned from certain rooms. He has a right to privacy from his MIL.

If your DM was humilated by having her truely hideous behaviour towards her DC's spouse exposed then she's only humilated herself by behaving in such a shockingly terrible way towards her child's husband/wife. You might have learned to accept this is how your mum is and that it's normal to "work round her snooping" (by not leaving her alone in your house) but what you haven't really done is accept that her treatment of you and your DH is shockingly terrible and she deserves to be called on it. Any fall out on that is entirely her fault, it wouldn't be your DH's for 'setting her up'. Why do you accept "that's what she does"? Have you actually said to her "I find your snooping unacceptable, it's really horrible behaviour, so DH and I ahve agreed we can't trust you alone in our house." Or do you think that you'd be in the wrong for saying this and actually she has no control over her behaviour?

I don't believe parents have a right to treat their adult DCs like shit (which is what she's doing when she snoops, you are belittling because you are used to her treating you like this as a child). I don't believe anyone should have to put up with this from a PIL because an adult child is not brave enough to tell their parent how repugnant their behaviour is.

Inertia Tue 12-Feb-13 12:04:12

WeAllHaveWings- how is it humiliating someone else to leave your own private things in your own private drawers in your own bedroom?

The estate agent brochures were actually there anyway because Galaxy and her DH had spoken about getting the house revalued following renovation work.

If you don't want to feel humiliated because you've been caught snooping and lying, then don't snoop in other people's bedrooms, don't blab about what you've found, don't lie about where you found out about it, and don't send other family members round to put the pressure on the person who's been snooped on.

Growlithe Tue 12-Feb-13 10:59:44

Noone said the MILs behaviour was okay wrt the snooping. When the OP started describing the drink problem, however, it became rather insignificant.

The family obviously know about the drink problem. The well told story about the FIL having to hide the vodka in the loft, and then it still being found, proves this.

The OP has a responsibility towards her child, and should place greater importance on this than on trying to help to maintain what she already knows is a toxic relationship between her DH and his DM. She needed to have the conversation she had in this thread with her DH, not MN, and put her foot down, because it's her child as well as his.

Her own DM usually babysits so it isn't as if they never get a chance to go out.

manicbmc Tue 12-Feb-13 10:21:26

So that makes it okay? What if the mil had found something of a sensitive nature that the OP and her dp hadn't wanted to share with her? It's not like she was keeping the information to herself either.

The mil can do what she wants in her own home but in someone else's it is inexcusable behaviour.

WeAllHaveWings Tue 12-Feb-13 10:10:16

My mum is a major snoop, was always going through mine and my sister/brothers things when we stayed at home. I would hide things one evening and the next day she would say something which made it obvious she had found it. She must have spent all day snooping through 5 kids worth of stuff when we were all out working/at college etc.

She (in her mind) does it to learn more about her kids lives, but doesn't realise (or maybe care) she is intruding.

Its not right, but that's what she does, so I wouldn't leave her alone in my house.

But she's my mum, and I love her and I would NEVER set her up to expose and humiliate her in this way in front of my dh. I also find it shocking you would lie to your dh with the sole purpose of setting up and humiliating his mum.

Would you have done this to your own mum? How would you feel if you found out your dh had lied to you with the purpose of setting up and exposing your own mum's faults?

Your MIL is badly behaved, but IMO your behaviour in this game you are playing is much worse.

Inertia Tue 12-Feb-13 10:02:02

I agree, the alcohol intake is a far more serious problem than the snooping. When bottles of cider were first mentioned, I thought it was one of those small (300ml or whatever) individual bottles- so not ideal but fair enough if she isn't driving, after all many of us have a glass of wine once our own kids are in bed. However, it transpired that it's a couple of 2 litre bottles, which is another story entirely.

It's not clear whether either Galaxy or her DH knew the extent of MIL's drinking while babysitting prior to this incident- I might be wrong, but it comes across that they thought she avoided drinking while caring for DS. Galaxy only ever accepted MIL babysitting under pressure from MIL and the rest of the family , she has other preferred sitters- but now there is proof of how much MIL drinks, it is vital that MIL does not babysit again. She can see DS with other family members present.

pumpkinsweetie Tue 12-Feb-13 09:59:47

A takes a while for us to realise that a family member is toxic.
Op has just realised this fact, hence the worrying over her baby being in her care and finding out mil has snooped.
Glowith, we are all human, op wouldn't have known straight away what a nasty piece of work mil is.
Now she knows, she doesn't want her alone in the house anymore. That is understandable. Don't shoot op down for previously allowing mil to babysit.
As for dh, if he is a decent man, he'll stand by his wife and see clearly why she set a trap for his mother.

Snooping is invasion of privacy, and babysitting on a full stomach of tramps size cider is grounds to put an end to the mil babysitting.

manicbmc Tue 12-Feb-13 09:55:05

Maybe she had no choice though. How do you think the dp would take to OP saying she doesn't want her alone in the house? It's just not that simple.

Goldmandra Tue 12-Feb-13 09:54:31

I'm just saying if you haven't got a trustworthy sitter you stay in.

That only works if your DH agrees that she is untrustworthy too. The OP couldn't stay in for the rest of her DC's childhood just so they didn't have to let her MIL babysit!

Growlithe Tue 12-Feb-13 09:50:45

I'm not defending the MIL. I'm just saying if you haven't got a trustworthy sitter you stay in. You don't get an untrustworthy one round then prove she is untrustworthy. She looking after a baby.

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