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AIBU to never want kids??

(225 Posts)
Judged Fri 08-Feb-13 14:47:43

So I don't want to have children and I am incessantly judged and patronised for it. It doesn't help that my reasons are unusual.

The following are my reasons for never wanting kids-

-I have severe tokophobia (pathological fear of childbirth). I cannot even contemplate the idea of a vaginal birth.
-I love my career and have high ambitions. Becoming a SAHM or a housewife would be a slow death for me. Also, I don’t like the idea of being economically dependent and answerable for how much I spend and why. It’s important for me to have my own money.
-I’ve seen children take couples further and further apart. I’ve always kind of perceived them as a threat to a strong relationship because of the challenges they bring.
-I have always had body confidence issues. Due to my PCOS, I have always battled with maintaining my weight and I already have things like stretch marks and acne scars. The thought of having a major acne breakout during pregnancy (I’ve heard that pregnancy can make acne worse) makes me literally want to cry. As does the idea of putting on weight which won’t come off.
-The idea of developing issues like melasma and severe morning sickness really terrifies me.
-I just HATE hospitals and invasive medical procedures. I’m an extremely private person and the idea of being poked, prodded and being so vulnerable is just awful to me.
-Due to my PCOS, there’s a chance that I might need hormone therapy and/or IVF and that too makes me sick to the stomach for the same reasons mentioned above.

Vaginal birth, weight gain, the changes in the body, and the possibility of having to give up job just make me hate the idea of ever having children.

In my culture, EVERY man wants kids. I know at the back of my head that I will have to have them whether I want them or not and this does tend to disturb me immensely.

So what do I do??? AIBU to not want to have kids??

Zondra Sat 09-Feb-13 02:12:58

Also, the op is scared that having a child shall disrupt a relationship.
Anyway, not being horrible but, the op gives many points not to have a child.

I agree that she is not ready/wants to.

Judged Sat 09-Feb-13 02:15:35

Thank you for the synopsis Zondra. I'm sure everyone read the OP before posting so while helpful, the precis version was rather unnecessary. hmm

Mimishimi Sat 09-Feb-13 02:17:52

My skin improved dramatically during my first pregnancy (24) and the pimples never really came back after that except for the odd one just before my monthly until I was about 30.

Hooya Sat 09-Feb-13 02:33:40

Hi Zondra - yes, I know the fears aren't the same, and I think mine were / are more trivial in some cases, but I think the principle is the same. There is no worse fear than the fear of fear itself. And when you're in the grip of that fear, it's very difficult to get perspective on the inevitable upsides.

If there are no upsides that's different, but I thought that because Judged is asking, and has pointed out some reasons she might want to do it, she might have the same doubts as I did and therefore my experience may be helpful.

Hooya Sat 09-Feb-13 02:45:02

Oh Mimi I'm envy of you for the good skin! Though I had forgotten how fun squeezing spots can be grin

Zondra Sat 09-Feb-13 02:47:37

No worries, Judged.

A lot of people grab onto the gist. Didn't want that to run by.
Your not just scared about giving birth, but lot's more . It's a long thread & wanted to highlight for you the all the things you are afraid of/ don't want.

Acne scars & stretch marks are a total viable thing to be scared of. Gaining weight & losing your body structure,too.

Also, being scared of relationships failing because of being pregnant/giving birth is also a completely valid reason not to give birth.

Giving birth can be easy, it can be hard. It's a an awesome experience. For what it's worth my experiences are very different. Both hard.
However, a lot have a wonderful time.

I personally had a rubbish time with both births, but there you are.

Btw- I am scarred from stretchmarks. My face is a riot. I have a bucket fanny. My work life has gone to pot. Sex life is zilch. And even after this whole caper, my kids hate me, my husband thinks I'm disgusting.

It was all for fuck all.

Aye, right.

Judged Sat 09-Feb-13 02:50:06

Are you drunk perhaps?

Zondra Sat 09-Feb-13 02:54:56

Btw- Judged, you set out a convincing argument in your original post.
Don't get pregnant! Don't have kids!

Job done! You DON'T need to have them & no one is forcing you.

Zondra Sat 09-Feb-13 02:58:56

Haha!!! Brilliant!

Are you?

Unfortunately, I wish I was.

Greensleeves Sat 09-Feb-13 02:59:43

Zondra are you ok?

Zondra Sat 09-Feb-13 02:59:55

Why would you think I were?

Zondra Sat 09-Feb-13 03:02:34

Greensleeves- I'm fine. Thanks for being concerned.

Greensleeves Sat 09-Feb-13 03:04:21

I hope so xx

Sorry I was sharp with you earlier. Sometimes it's hard to judge someone's tone on here, and I am spectacularly bad at it.

Zondra Sat 09-Feb-13 03:11:40

No probs, Greensleeves. We all can be at times.

Feel bad for haranguing the op, now.

However, my final word on this thread is, Judged, do what you want. It's your body & as I've said a few times already yanbu.

I think you keep missing that fact...

Judged Sat 09-Feb-13 03:24:20

Zondra- I have read and acknowledged your opinion and advice. However, to me it seems more like you are mocking my phobia and my concerns rather than actually trying to be helpful. I sense sarcasm and derision in your posts, which is why I would request you not to offer any further advice.

Zondra Sat 09-Feb-13 03:58:34

Judged- I have not once mocked your phobia.

As for derisory comments, accusing me of being drunk...I would certainly say that was derisory on your part...

For what it's worth, answering your original question- you are not being unreasonable.

InTheNightGarden Sat 09-Feb-13 04:08:30

YANBU - I think it would be cruel to yourself to have them... then once they're here it'd be cruel on them, Especially as you wouldn't be happy.

FellatioNels0n Sat 09-Feb-13 04:12:04

You do NOT have to have children whether you want them or not, and frankly if you really believe that to be true then there are far bigger problems in your life than other people judging you for not wanting children.

allbie Sat 09-Feb-13 09:55:57

Judged, you sound like having a great career would be totally fulfilling for you. Concentrate on that and I'm sure the right man who doesn't want children will come along. Why should it be unreasonable to not want kids? Don't spend your time justifying yourself to others!

gimmecakeandcandy Sat 09-Feb-13 18:24:43

The more I read the more I think you should not have children.

extracrunchy Sun 10-Feb-13 11:21:31

Gimme - absolutely.
And she doesn't sound as if she'd make the children particularly happy either.

ArielThePiraticalMermaid Sun 10-Feb-13 11:39:56

I think you should stick to talking TO the OP rather than passing comment ABOUT her. She will be reading this, and that last comment sounded terribly judgemental.

gimmecakeandcandy Sun 10-Feb-13 11:49:21

I happen to agree with extracruncy

ArielThePiraticalMermaid Sun 10-Feb-13 11:51:04

You happen to agree with her? That's fine. But perhaps a politer way of putting it might have been "Op, I'm afraid it doesn't sound as though you would make children particularly happy either."

Jux Sun 10-Feb-13 12:22:01

Judged, I think that if you don't want children then don't have them. i won't judge you. Before we moved and lost touch, our closest friends were a couple - young, fit, everything going for them - who each got sterilised as they didn't want kids (and, tbh, once in a while I envied them their lifestyle).

There are good men out there who don't particularly want children, but they generally feel that women want them so they should too.

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