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AIBU to never want kids??

(225 Posts)
Judged Fri 08-Feb-13 14:47:43

So I don't want to have children and I am incessantly judged and patronised for it. It doesn't help that my reasons are unusual.

The following are my reasons for never wanting kids-

-I have severe tokophobia (pathological fear of childbirth). I cannot even contemplate the idea of a vaginal birth.
-I love my career and have high ambitions. Becoming a SAHM or a housewife would be a slow death for me. Also, I don’t like the idea of being economically dependent and answerable for how much I spend and why. It’s important for me to have my own money.
-I’ve seen children take couples further and further apart. I’ve always kind of perceived them as a threat to a strong relationship because of the challenges they bring.
-I have always had body confidence issues. Due to my PCOS, I have always battled with maintaining my weight and I already have things like stretch marks and acne scars. The thought of having a major acne breakout during pregnancy (I’ve heard that pregnancy can make acne worse) makes me literally want to cry. As does the idea of putting on weight which won’t come off.
-The idea of developing issues like melasma and severe morning sickness really terrifies me.
-I just HATE hospitals and invasive medical procedures. I’m an extremely private person and the idea of being poked, prodded and being so vulnerable is just awful to me.
-Due to my PCOS, there’s a chance that I might need hormone therapy and/or IVF and that too makes me sick to the stomach for the same reasons mentioned above.

Vaginal birth, weight gain, the changes in the body, and the possibility of having to give up job just make me hate the idea of ever having children.

In my culture, EVERY man wants kids. I know at the back of my head that I will have to have them whether I want them or not and this does tend to disturb me immensely.

So what do I do??? AIBU to not want to have kids??

MovingOnMaybe Fri 08-Feb-13 14:52:04

YANBU. Probably best you don't have them.

ouryve Fri 08-Feb-13 14:52:43


You do what works for you.

pjmama Fri 08-Feb-13 14:53:38

Of course YANBU - there's no law saying every woman should beat mother. If it's not for you then that's your right to say no. I think to have a child you don't actually want would be a huge mistake. Stick to your guns if its something you feel strongly about.

pjmama Fri 08-Feb-13 14:54:18

Be a mother!!! Not beat mother.

sooperdooper Fri 08-Feb-13 14:54:36

YANBU, you don't need to list reasons, if you don't want kids don't have them, there's no rule to say you have to

scarlettsmummy2 Fri 08-Feb-13 14:55:25

It's up to you. If you feel the negatives outweigh the positives that's absolutely fine. I have children, I love them to death and having them was completely the right decision for me, but not everyone has strong maternal instincts and there's nothing wrong with that.

ubik Fri 08-Feb-13 14:55:34

You are not being the slightest bit unreasonable.

I have friends who have not had children - it's not a problem. They are actually very good company and very nice to my children.

CartedOff Fri 08-Feb-13 14:56:27

"I know at the back of my head that I will have to have them whether I want them or not and this does tend to disturb me immensely."

Why do you think this? Because the pressure from your family will be too great? Because you believe that you won't find love without them?

There are people out there who don't want children.

You can choose not to have children if you don't want to, there are contraceptive choices that last for years and years and are extremely reliable.

I think the belief that you have no choice over this is making you very unhappy.

MrsTerryPratchett Fri 08-Feb-13 14:57:44

Is marrying out of your culture something you couldn't contemplate?

It sounds like you have done your thinking. However, I was very afraid of childbirth and I had a DD. It took a lot of time and thinking but I did it.

FlorriesDragons Fri 08-Feb-13 14:57:56

You don't have to have children, there is no rule and thinking that it's inevitable when you obviously feel so strongly against the idea is probably making you feel even more out of control and scared. It's your body and your decision. Yes lots of men will want children but some like you, won't. So long as you make your feelings clear from the start of the relationship, you can't do any more.

frustratedworkingmum Fri 08-Feb-13 14:58:20

Oh i don't know - have a biscuit instead. I find it a bit odd that you would come to a parenting website to vent your spleen, but hey. Just keep your legs crossed and use contraception. Its that simple.

WileyRoadRunner Fri 08-Feb-13 14:59:03

In my culture, EVERY man wants kids. I know at the back of my head that I will have to have them whether I want them or not and this does tend to disturb me immensely

Tbh if this is truly the case then you need to find a partner outside of your culture.

Nobody has to have children if they don't want to (I am presuming that you are in a modern democratic country)

PippinWoo Fri 08-Feb-13 15:00:42

YANBU - of course you're not. It's completely up to you. There's no point giving us all the reasons you don't want children because no matter what you're reasons are, it's still your choice and I doubt anyone here would tell you otherwise.

What you don't do is mention what on earth has happened that has made you post this now? Who are these people who are judging you and patronising you? Perhaps if you give a bit more detail you could get some advice on how to deal with that.

sleepyhead Fri 08-Feb-13 15:01:15

YANBU. Never have children that you don't want. Not fair on you or the children.

Most of my female friends, fwiw, don't have children. Some through choice, most through circumstance. Most are in their 40s and 50s now so likely will be child free. They have a different life from me in some ways, more money, more free time - not better or worse, just different.

It wouldn't cross my mind to judge someone for having children or not.

frustratedworkingmum Fri 08-Feb-13 15:01:52

Sorry, i didnt read the last paragraph - you don't have to have children if you don't want to. In any culture i think it is about finding a partner who wants the same thing so obviously someone who really doesn't want children would not want to be be with someone who really does, it would never work, so these people don't get together, they find someone who feels the same way and if you are compatible then it will work.

Believeitornot Fri 08-Feb-13 15:03:27

It's not a question of being reasonable or not.

This: ^ I’ve always kind of perceived them as a threat to a strong relationship because of the challenges they bring^ I found sad though. Children as a threat? No, I think they expose weaknesses but they themselves are not a threat.

ArielThePiraticalMermaid Fri 08-Feb-13 15:04:43

Of course YANBU! Not everyone does smile

Judged Fri 08-Feb-13 15:06:26

I'm posting this now because nobody understands that I have many concerns about having children.

I feel constantly judged and patronised. I keep hearing things like "You'll change your mind", or "Don't be silly, everyone gives birth, why do you want a c section?", or "Children are the best thing ever and you are being selfish to say you wouldn't want to be a SAHM."

I don't have an objection to marrying outside my culture, but I have genuinely not been able to find very many men who don't want children.

GirlOutNumbered Fri 08-Feb-13 15:06:31

You don't want children, then don't have them.

I have a couple of married friends who don't have kids and don't want them. No one really cares. They have their dogs and lots of money instead!

Ariel24 Fri 08-Feb-13 15:07:16

YANBU to not want kids OP, not everyone does. Just wanted to say though, I also have extreme Tokophobia and had my baby girl by c/s. It doesn't have to mean you can't have children. But you sound like you have other reasons too. Nothing unreasonable about that.

GirlOutNumbered Fri 08-Feb-13 15:07:18

And on your last post....
Why would you have to be a SAHM? I have two children and still work.

I also had two C Sections.

ReallyTired Fri 08-Feb-13 15:08:44

Kids turn your life upside down. Its not unreasonable and its your decision. You have the right to change your mind later on in life.

In my culture, EVERY man wants kids. I know at the back of my head that I will have to have them whether I want them or not and this does tend to disturb me immensely.

Surely you want to be an equal in a relationship. Prehaps you need to find a boyfriend outside your culture.

Its really important that you find somone who wants the same things in life as you. Children are not an area that you can compromise on. (ie. you can't have half a child)

StuntGirl Fri 08-Feb-13 15:09:13

No one has to have children if they don't want them. I don't. Could give a rats ass what people make of my choice.

You could take control of your own contraception, don't leave it up to the man.
You could never get married if there's some no sex before marriage thing.
You could marry outside of your culture.
You could marry someone within your culture who agrees with your views.
You could get sterilised so there's no chance of ever getting pregnant.

You don't HAVE to do anything.

amillionyears Fri 08-Feb-13 15:09:26

Which culture do you come from?

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