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To think you should give a friend a lift home if it's raining?

(337 Posts)
eggsy11 Fri 08-Feb-13 12:33:34

This may be more a chat thing, but think I need the harshness of AIBU to see if I do have the right to be mad at my friend!

Have done A LOT of favours for this friend, but won't include that in the argument since I didn't do them to be paid back... but it is what is annoying me about the situation.

Another mum at DS's nursery saw me and DS huddling under the doorway until the hail past. Said hello, grabbed her DS and drove home. DS was screaming because he was scared. He was under his raincover in the pram, and it was a 15 minute walk so it was only me that got wet. But it was still horrible and I was literally soaked to the skin.

I know the mum would of had to drop us home (5 min drive) and come back for her DS, as there was only 1 car seat. But there is no way i'd walk past my friend like that! She is always early to pick up her DS so it wouldn't of been an issue since it's daycare, not like at school.

Am I being unfair? Is it our fault we don't have a car? I just think it would of been nice!

(btw she wasn't in a rush. pictures on facebook of them cuddled up watching cbeebies etc when they got home!)

WorriedMummy73 Fri 08-Feb-13 13:11:25

As a bus user, with 3 dc, who has been offered many lifts (and taken them) by friends, family, etc, but also not been offered lifts, I can kind of see op's point. It is hard, especially at this time of year, and it's so easy to get wound up when you're standing around in the cold/rain/snow, etc. Recently, I had to collect my three when it was literally a blizzard outside and we had to stand at the bus stop for 50 mins! I did get resentful at the other Mum's driving past us (some in people carriers, with only Mum and 1 dc in) and thought 'really? I have three freezing kids, all in tears, and no one can give us a lift?'.


I need to learn to drive. This is my next project. We have a car that dp uses for work, but he'll get a little van. I'm looking into fast-pass courses. It's MY problem that I don't drive, no one elses. No one is obliged to give me a lift - I don't know where they're going, their petrol levels, etc. So, I think the issue here, op, is that you asked 'SHOULD' she have given me a lift?'. No, she shouldn't. She's another Mum, with her own child and issues. Would it have been nice? Definitely. But it didn't happen. Hey ho, move on.

MrsMangelfanciedPaulRobinson Fri 08-Feb-13 13:11:26

You sound like you have an incredibly large sense of entitlement, OP

AWimbaWay Fri 08-Feb-13 13:11:28

Oh, and my Dd is frequently crying too, toddlers have a tendency to do that (at least mine does) at the drop of a hat. She was crying on the school run today because her wellies were broken, and I mean really screaming, they weren't confused.

sadivfmummy Fri 08-Feb-13 13:11:29

YABU. Nobody I know would think 'I'm at the nursery but my child hasn't seen me yet so I'll offer someone a lift home and then come back'. People just don't. If she had a second car seat she may have done. But it's crazy to suggest she leaves her child there just to give you a lift home.

And there is a difference between that and asking someone who may be popping to the shops anyway if they'd mind picking something up 'cos you're home wit ha sick child. The main difference being that you are ASKING not assuming that they will just randomly call and offer.

You also have no idea why she was there - she may have been picking him up for a doc appointment or something, and taking you home would have made her late for the appointment and potentially blacklisted.

So yes, YABU and you sound like the worst kind of entitled person! If the weather was that bad you should have left your child there until it had passed, if it was going to affect him that badly instead of going to pick him up in the first place.

rollmopses Fri 08-Feb-13 13:12:22

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AvonCallingBarksdale Fri 08-Feb-13 13:12:32

There's no point shouting at people to read the posts, OP - why won't you answer what several people have asked you - why didn't you go and wait inside while the hail passed? If you're this volatile in RL, I'd probably give you a wide berth tbh!

PureQuintessence Fri 08-Feb-13 13:13:07

Maybe she has plans?

If she works I reckon her time with her child is precious, and she had places to be?

But you had chosen to pick up your child two hours early despite the bad weather? So clearly you were not busy.

DuchessFanny Fri 08-Feb-13 13:13:31

You are BU but i can see why you are upset. You have done her a lot of favours and she's offered you nothing in return and when you feel you really needed it ... however your friend has ASKED you for favours, and you were waiting for her to OFFER you one, there is a bit of a difference here. I would have assumed it didn't even occur to her tbh, it certainly wouldn't have occurred to me and i ask and offer a LOT of favours to other Mum's at the school.

pictish Fri 08-Feb-13 13:14:38

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ExitPursuedByABear Fri 08-Feb-13 13:14:43

Or - maybe her child was poorly and the nursery had phoned her to collect him.

HecateWhoopass Fri 08-Feb-13 13:15:35

I would have done it. If it was only a couple of minutes and my own child wasn't going to suffer.

But it's a five minute drive, right? So that's ten minutes for her. Was she more than ten minutes early to pick up her child or would this have made her late to collect? I know you said it's pay by the day, but they must surely know when during that day a parent will collect? If so, would the nursery have been ok with that? Or would they have had an attitude about it? I know, like I say, you have said it is pay for the full day, but they may still expect her at a certain time?

Did she have any idea why your child was crying? Perhaps she just thought he was crying! Didn't realise it was cos of the rain.

you said in your op that you wanted opinions. the 'harshness of AIBU' - why are you getting so angry?

rollmopses Fri 08-Feb-13 13:16:01

Oops, not finished yet.

Did it occur to you, that perhaps she was in a hurry to go somewhere, in other words, had a previous engagement?
Or that she didn't have room for the buggy?


Didn't think so.

Next time when you 'bend backwards' to do a favour, remember, favours are not necessarily reciprocal.

amicissimma Fri 08-Feb-13 13:18:48

So there you were, dressed for rain (sorry, I'm assuming), child in buggy, raincover on, apparently all ready for your walk home. Why would it even cross her mind that you would like to get your DC back out of the buggy, pack it up, all wet and soggy, get him into the car and get yourself, all wet, strapped in, then LEAVING HER OWN CHILD, take you home.

Surely she would assume that, as an adult, you had made appropriate arrangements to deal with your situation.

Maybe she could see that you needed to deal with your DC and wouldn't want to interfere. No reason to suppose she could tell what his issue was.

KnittedCharacter Fri 08-Feb-13 13:18:52

YABU i wouldnt leave my ds once i had picked him up from nursery. he may have got upset about being left in nursery again let alone confused!!!

She prob wanted to get home and spend some quality time with her child. its not her fault or her responsibility to sort you out!!!

also in her defence she also prob didnt even think about it either!

Eskino Fri 08-Feb-13 13:19:02

She didn't have room for you and your son and your big rain soaked wet pram in the car. Couldn't you accept that with grace? not everyone is placed on this earth to do you favours.

Learn to drive, get a car if you're that bothered about rain.

Journey Fri 08-Feb-13 13:22:01

If you were standing there with your dc crying I might have said a quick hi to you and walked on because I didn't want to make you feel awkward with your dc playing up. I don't think I would instantly think he was crying because of the rain.

My mind would also be on picking up my dc and seeing his big smile when he sees me. I wouldn't be thinking about lifts for a friend.

As has already been mentioned my car couldn't have taken your pushchair because the boot contains my own pushchair so even if I wanted to give you a lift I couldn't.

I'm guessing you don't drive. Some (not all) non drivers think everything is so easy if you have a car but the reality is you often have to move stuff about in the car to fit people in, and you also have to find another parking space when you went back to the nursery.

Your friend may have had an appointment she needed to go to.

DeWe Fri 08-Feb-13 13:23:08

But if I saw someone with a screaming child there's no way I'd assume it was because of the weather. How could she know that? I've never known a child to scream because they're afraid of the weather, I'd have been trying to stop dd2 and ds from climbing out the buggy into it. They loved a bit of weather grin.

And actually it probably wouldn't have saved you time. It'd take nearly 5 minutes to load your buggy and baby into the car, about 5 minutes to drive it, and 5 minutes to unload again (roughly). And your dc would have got wetter in the transfer from buggy to car and back again than staying under the raincover.

When I didn't drive I reckoned anything less than 20 minutes wasn't worth asking/accepting a lift for as the general rule. I certainly never resented someone not stopping.

People don't think about it generally. I used to often get people saying "oh I feel really bad, I drove past you, and didn't think I could have picked you up until too late." Never made me think that they were being mean. It was our choice not to have a car, so we didn't have the expense of a car, and we had to deal with the inconvenience of not having a car.

Paiviaso Fri 08-Feb-13 13:23:54


If your children were older and didn't need carseats, I would have said YANBU to think she might offer a ride.

But it is unreasonable to expect her to make an extra nursery run just to drive you home.

ZZZenAgain Fri 08-Feb-13 13:25:44

I don't think it would occur to many people tbh to drive you and ds home and then drive back to the nursery to pick up her ds. I really don't think you should get so upset about this. It is not as if she could fit you, your ds and his pram into her car together with her ds. If she could have, it might have crossed her mind to offer you a lift home

FunnysInLaJardin Fri 08-Feb-13 13:25:47

goodness. FWIW YABU. It would not occur to me to leave my child, take someone else home and return for my child. You could be there all afternoon shuttling folk about.

OP I think there is more to this than meets the eye.I would stop doing favours for her if I were you, it's no good getting this cross when they are not reciprocated

valiumredhead Fri 08-Feb-13 13:30:15

It's rain, you don't melt if you get wet <shrugs>

VitoCorleone Fri 08-Feb-13 13:32:07

I dont think it would crossed most peoples minds to go to the school, pick somebody and their child up, take them home then go back for their own child. She would have just wanted to get her child and get home out of the rain.

Anyway, she might not have had room in her boot, her own childs pram could have been im there.

ChristmasJubilee Fri 08-Feb-13 13:34:47

YABU. You could have asked her as she went past and she would have probably have taken you but you didn't. I doubt it even crossed her mind at the time. You could have got a taxi. You could probably get a taxi one way each day for the same cost as she has running the car. You could have waited in the nursery until it went off or picked him up later. You decided to walk in the rain. No harm done.

valiumredhead Fri 08-Feb-13 13:36:26

I try and give people lifts if I am going their way especially as I was a non driver for years a 5 min car journey is nothing if you are driving but can be a 20 min walk or the difference between hanging around for a bus etc, but it wouldn't occur to me to leave my child, take you back OP and then come back, wouldn't even cross my mind!

I've gone out of my way plenty of times to give friends lifts, because I had a car and they didn't - but it wouldn't have occurred to me to turn round, drive you home and then come back again for my own child - that is asking rather a lot, imho.

Plus, as others have said, *how was she to know that it was the hail that was scaring your child and making him cry?

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