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To refuse to pick dd's friend up from her dance class tomorrow?

(505 Posts)
stormforce10 Fri 08-Feb-13 12:16:31

Just had a call from DD friend's mum asking if I could pick up her DD and look after her after dance class for an hour or so as she has to take her DS to a birthday party.

Normally I wouldn't hesitate BUT last time I did that for this particular mum she turned up for her DD over 3 1/2 hours late and her explanation was that as both children were at friends she and her DH had decided to go out for lunch. No response to phone calls or text messages and I was desperately trying not to let on to her DD that I was getting worried something terrible had happened. That was 6 months ago but I was so angry with her I still haven't forgotten it let alone her DD's tears when she realised mummy wasn't coming when she said(6 years old)

I managed to say "sorry I can't we're busy tomorrow" and she's come back with a text message saying "please please please I've asked lots of people and they can't either really need someone or I won't be able to take DS to party and he'll be really upset".

What the hell do I text back now. I really like the little girl but I don't want to be taken advantage of again in this way let alone deal with the upset. I'm guessing if lots of other people can't (? won't) do it I'm not the only one she's done this to.

Smudging Mon 11-Feb-13 21:30:26

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

shemademedoit Sun 10-Feb-13 20:52:32

I really hope so. Wish I'd done something. sad

TreadOnTheCracks Sun 10-Feb-13 20:23:42

Shemademedoit in all likelihood school will have picked up on it and they are hopefully on a register being kept an eye on.

Sad isn't it.

shemademedoit Sun 10-Feb-13 19:02:43

I was once embarrassed into looking after two kids I didn't really know from my sons nursery. We live in a smallish town and the mum knowing roughly which street I lived in went up the houses till she found me and begged me to have her kids for a few hours (till about 5pm). Kids were 4 and 1, tired and absolutely had obviously suffered a runny/leaky nappy all up her clothes. There was no change of clothes nor nappies. Anyway this mum turned up at 11pm having not answered her phone all night. She had 6 children and my mum and I were convinced she had actually abandoned them. I was going to call the police (we're not in the uk do I didn't know how to contact SS). Wish I had. Those kids were being neglected, I'm sure. I still think about them. (they've moved away)

Bossybritches22 Sun 10-Feb-13 14:37:10

OP-wasn't suggesting for a minute you WOULD contact the authorities, just having an indulgent minute imagining the look on Madams face if the rozzers were banging on her door when she was mid shag......grin

FWIW I think you've handled it just right. Hope you don't get any more pathetic texts at silly o'clock or any other time!

slatternlymother Sun 10-Feb-13 14:28:57

ice I'm done with it now. I knew it was wrong, even then. I used to get so upset all the time; I was really insecure all the time and it just annoyed them even more sad

timidviper Sun 10-Feb-13 14:18:55

My DH was never abused but was never made a priority either IYKWIM. He has been a great father, as has his brother, but both of them married wives from "normal" families.

GingerbreadGretel Sun 10-Feb-13 14:18:54

Thanks - I think she is really. She's started writing her autobiography and some of the stories are just mind-boggling. I can see why she waited till we were adults to tell us.

IceNoSlice Sun 10-Feb-13 14:09:53

slatternlymother and fuzzpig, how awful and I hope you're coming to terms with it.

GingerbreadGretel your DM sounds like an impressive lady.

GingerbreadGretel Sun 10-Feb-13 14:02:08

My own grandmother was horrifically neglected, basically abandoned when her mother remarried. She was a loving but stifling parent, but again my mother has managed to parent in a normal, healthy way.

GingerbreadGretel Sun 10-Feb-13 14:01:22

My DH's grandmother was abused. She did alright by her kids - no abuse but some labelling (pretty one, smart one...). The next generation have enjoyed wonderful childhoods. Am so impressed by people who manage to break the cycle.

fuzzpig Sun 10-Feb-13 13:12:20

My DH is like pagwatch's - he was horrifically abused and is a fantastic parent, but overcoming it isn't easy.

I was sexually abused by a relative but in terms of my parents I'd say the term mentioned upthread "middle class neglect" is actually quite apt - not outwardly shocking enough for outsiders to realise or intervene, but relentless and damaging nonetheless. In a way I think it was more harmful than the sexual abuse itself, in particular the way they failed to deal with it precisely because they were so indifferent to me. I rushed into having my own DCs young because I was so desperate to prove (to myself) that I could do it better. I now have a chronic illness/disability which my specialist has told me is partly due to the stress and damage of my childhood. Hard not to feel resentful now, but I'm starting to work through it... don't know if I will ever confront it though.

Sorry I'm waffling now blush

I hope we are reading way too much into this thread and in fact the mother is just scatty and occasionally thinks 'sod it', rather than her behaviour being a symptom of a much bigger problem sad

slatternlymother Sun 10-Feb-13 12:52:28

I was like that little girl; my parents just didnt like me much I guess. I was quite needy as a young adult, but my DH has 'set it right' iyswim. And I NEVER thought that was what normal parenting was. Ever. I knew perfectly well they didnt want me; that was how the damage was done angry

Helltotheno Sun 10-Feb-13 12:32:21

Would never cross my mind to call social services or police just because a child was left in my care.

No I wouldn't either OP.

But I have to say this thread has left me a little worried for that little girl sad

Pagwatch what you're saying about your DH is just so sad... it's so hard to imagine how anyone could treat their child like this but it obviously happens plenty.

AlanMoore Sun 10-Feb-13 11:54:57

Actually maybe I should babysit for her, that'd learn them!

AlanMoore Sun 10-Feb-13 11:54:13

I would ring the police if the other parents were uncontactable and very late. I'd ring the police if my DP was very late and uncontactable, it wouldn't occur to me (even after this thread!) that anyone would deliberately upset their child and inconvenience others this way.

AugustaProdworthy Sun 10-Feb-13 11:51:00

Well, that's the ironing (not) done... completely agree Stormforce that you did absolutely the right thing. It does sound like other mums have been polite and maybe your text will make her think twice next time. May have missed this on the thread but where is her DH in this? Is her DD her only child? This thread has made me laugh out loud and then be shocked and then a bit upset. Completely confused about the scarf though, surely there is someone who could rustle up a scarf with YANBU/YABU printed on it?

fuzzpig Sun 10-Feb-13 11:25:01

Arf @ coitus interruptus

grin grin @ her being TerribleCuntMum#2

Poor bloody kids!

stormforce10 Sun 10-Feb-13 11:17:35

If I am honest I didn't want to believe what X told me either. Having slept on it, I am really hoping that at least some of the things she said were things that had been exaggerated out of all proportion by school gate gossip and repetition sad

Would never cross my mind to call social services or police just because a child was left in my care.

Bossybritches22 Sun 10-Feb-13 10:59:41

Almost tempting to report her missing to the police (all concerned like) so they go round & bang on her door coitus interruptus to check she's OK.

Except of course I wouldn't want to waste the poor buggers time. grin

IceNoSlice Sun 10-Feb-13 10:43:04

I didn't mean anything offensive either. Was trying to be positive.

I think you take so many things with you from childhood, some of which you are not even aware of. Until you see that other families do things differently. For example, when I was a child my DB and I had house keys and let ourselves in after school from age 11. My MIL (SAHM) thought that was utterly shocking but to me it was quite normal and I thought everyone did that. Probably a silly example but hopefully you know what I mean.

Pagwatch Sun 10-Feb-13 10:04:08

Sorry then Gene. My apologies.
Like you - raw nerve I guess.

It is incredibly hard though to move on from a bad childhood. We were a good team really. Dh had to come to terms with not having been wanted and I was able to do that with him. We have a really loving home which is a revelation to him and something that he values beyond anything else.

The boy DS1 knows will have to see how indifferent his parents were in order not to have it as a model and that is a really hard thing to deal with, if dhs experience is anything to go by.

GeneHuntsMistress Sun 10-Feb-13 09:55:24

No no sorry pagwatch, not at you at all - it was seeing the two posts in a row with the same implication, and Ice's comment that he would not be able to be a good parent by his own volition, it would need to be his DW to show him the way. I suppose it hit a nerve. Not intended personally to you or Ice.

Pagwatch Sun 10-Feb-13 09:52:47


Was that at me GeneHuntsMistress?

Because I am pretty fucking sure I didn't say that!

My dh had crap disinterested parents. He is a fantastic father. But itwas immensely painful for him as he gradually realised that all these norms from his childhood added up to his parents not giving a shit.

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