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to be a bit fed up with dh and to a lesser extent mil

(8 Posts)
whitby36 Fri 08-Feb-13 10:21:21

I have 3dc. 2 primary aged and a 5 month old. I sahm at moment. I do probaby over 90 percent of childcare and all the housework and laundry etc. Baby still wakes at night too and rarely settles before 10pm.Dh very occassionally cooks (basic in the oven stuff) but still creates loads of mess. Ie will open a tin and leave empty can and tin opener on the side. He does work long hours maybe average 12 hours out of house but uses that as an excuse to do pretty much nothing evenings and weekends.
He is keen on doing the odd grand gesture like once in a blue moon he will say attack study desk and than when something new appears will than moan and say "why did I bother?" To that i could reply why do i bother everyday because as soon as i wipe down a surface new crumbs will appear etc etc.
Last week i was up really late every night getting additional housework/tidying down as we were going out Friday evening and MIL was looking after dc. Completly blitzed spare room in particular to make it nice for MIl etc etc.
On the Saturday morning I took eldest and youngest out on an activity whilst dh stayed home with mil and dd2. When I returned I was greeted by both mil and dh feeling really pleased with themselves because they along with dd2 have sorted her room. This is the same room I spent ages tidying in the week. Although I accept it wasn't immaculate because of the volume of stuff in there.
I was told to go straight up there to look when I returned. Yes it was fab but only because they had moved 4 big boxes of stuff into the spare room.
Apparently when mil babysits next time she is going to do dd1's room.
I feel really undermined and every so slighty fed up about this.

Whoknowswhocares Fri 08-Feb-13 10:25:30

Well I can understand it comes across as your efforts not being good enough, but you are complaining on the one hand that he doesn't do enough, then complaining also when he does. Bit of a mixed message, eh?
I think you need to take a step back and decide whether you would prefer to let go of the reins a bit more and get help, or do it all!

chocoluvva Fri 08-Feb-13 10:39:33

It's completely understandable to feel the way you do.

The problem is with your DH - he does almost nothing for you, but gets stuck in when his mum comes round. Do not complain about the tidying that they did as they'll think you're ungrateful - which you clearly aren't.

Explain to your untidy DH why tidying as he goes is more efficient than setting things down and therefore have to pick them up again - tell him it will benefit him as well as you as being tidy is an efficient way of keeping the house clean and tidy thereby freeing time. I know you shouldn't have justify yourself telling/asking him to be tidier but if it works....

Tortington Fri 08-Feb-13 10:46:41

i always say to my dh - that it is a matter of respect.

it might be only 'a few crumbs' and i might get the eyeball roll and the inferece i am making a big deal out of nothing.

I explain that it matters to me, and he should recognise the fact that it matters to me. Having recognised that fact, if he chooses to not tidy his own mess it is an indication of a lack of respect

also - what women wants another woman - any woman to tidy their house?

that is your house.

I would send your MIL a thank you card. Then talk to her about letting you do things in your own time - as much as you appreciate the help and the thought and intention behind it, " i am sure you understand, that as queen of this castle, i want to do things in my own time, thanks though"

diddl Fri 08-Feb-13 10:47:25

Well if what they are going to do to your other daughter´s room will be a help-fine let them do it.

Buthmm at adults wanting praise for doing some sorting out.

Does he do this to impress his Mummy ?

whitby36 Fri 08-Feb-13 12:08:47

dd implied that all dh did was the diy part of sorting room out. The only diy that appears to have been done was to move a bed.
He is great at singing his praises to his mum. We hosted xmas this year and he told her he had done all the xmas food shopping except veg. What he really meant was that he had done one shop for bits and pieces when I had been picking stuff up for weeks and still had to do another big shop.

chocoluvva Sat 09-Feb-13 11:09:43

I can completely understand why you're irritated, OP - you've put yourself out to make the house nice for your MIL, you hosted christmas even though you're very busy with your 3 little children and feel like you get no credit, while your (childish) DH wants praise for any little extra he does.

It's difficult though - if you contradict your DH or say,'What about what I did?' in front of his mum, she's likely to think you're being petty or ungrateful (even though you're not). I think you have to grit your teeth and smile....

Things will get easier on the household front, as your children get bigger. Definitely try to train your DH. Custardo's right, crumbs on the worktop are a matter of respecting you. Explain this to him - 'It feels like, as soon as I turn my back the kitchen is a mess again..'. He probably doesn't see it like that. I know my DH just thinks I'm being fussy, which I absolutely am not, or just doesn't think at all - he's not deliberately untidy. He wonders what the big deal is.

FWIW I totally sympathise.

CailinDana Sat 09-Feb-13 11:23:00

I would be totally weirded out by my DH and MIL standing there grinning and bragging about the cleaning they did together in my house like some sort of weird pair of children from a parallel universe. As for your MIL telling you what she's going to do in your house - I would be tempted to go her house with disinfectant spray and a pair of rubber gloves and start cleaning the kitchen. See how she likes it.

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