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By not wanting to talk to step-sons mum(very long sorry)

(16 Posts)
tinkerbelle31 Fri 08-Feb-13 10:15:27

I know alot of you might be thinking wow jumped up lil madam, I will give you the history and then you can let me know what you think.

I have been with my oh for 4 years, he lived over 90 miles away before we lived together, his son lived with mum and he had daily contact till he moved to be with me.
My partner and I don't drive but at every given chance he went to visit and stayed with friends for a week or two to spend as much time as possible, there was no set schedule it was more of when it suited her.
I had no problem with this as she didnt know me I understood that she didnt want to send her son 90 miles away with strangers, turns out this wasnt the case she didnt want to send him incase it effected her benefits.

We told her it wouldn't she had met several times at this point and she just wanted to talk about going clubbing, as my step son was starting school soon we arranged to have him during school holidays, she complained that she wasn't really getting a break as she had her older child at home so asked if we could take them during school holidays, I could see no problem with this at first as she said it would only be for a week or 2 and then we would have lil one on his own, I have 2dc of my own so 4 dc all calling me mammy was noisy and a bit hectic at times, yes her eldest called me mammy we spoke to them and they understood I wasnt their mammy but they shrugged and said but I feel like you are you do proper mammy things like give me nice food.

This continued for a year before social services got involved with her for neglect of the children, I was kinda relived as I thougth she might get the help she needs now, when the kids came to stay with me they were in desperate need of a bath and new clothes and a trip to the doctors for skin complaints, chest infections.

Social services said our contact with step-son could continue but her eldest would have to stop coming, she wasnt pleased about this at all.

She has attended several parenting courses and basic cooking classes(she was feeding the kids take away type meals every night) and she thought it was funny that they kept sending her on these courses,
she added me on fb I know i shouldnt of accepted but I thought I could offer some kind of support how wrong I was she wanted to try and arrange going behind social services back so we could have her eldest at the same time so she could go out clubbing as her ususal baby sitters we not allowed to baby sit any more by social services I ask he why and she said cos they were trying to ruin her life (turns out they were sex offenders and/or had a history of violence)

I explained that i couldnt go behind social services back and that they must have a reason for been this way, while she was going through social services trying to keep her kids me and my oh were at our solicitors to see what we could do to save them we couldnt do any thing about the eldest but we could go for custody of my step son, we informed social services of our plans and also let them know when they remove her eldest from her care we would take them aswell, we didn't want to seperate them.

Before we could go for custody the dc were removed from her care after she informed me that she had tied step-sons door closed so he would stay in his bedroom I hit the roof and rang her social worker she said they were in the process of getting everything together to remove the kids and that me ringing has made it an imediate (sp?) matter, the kids were removed and placed into care the next day, 2 weeks later step-son comes to live with us her eldest is placed with another family member.

Now this is where I want to stop talking to her she rings me and whinges that the kids have been taken off her what is she going to do she has no money etc etc,
she rings her son once a fortnight if he's lucky and although we have said she has open cantact with her son (not allowed unsuppervised me and partner have to be with her at all time social services request)she hasn't seen him for 5 months sent nothing for christmas, she says she is coming to visit him but at the last minute she changes her mind saying she has no money.

My step son calls me mum and never really mentions his bio mum when she rings some times he doesnt want to talk to her on the phone I love my step son all the world but he doesnt seem at all botherd by what has happend

She has had one over nght stay with us as contact and all she wanted to do was get drunk and go to the pub I declined but that night she told me alot she got herself a bottle of wine for when the kids were in bed and i was shocked and appaled by some of the things she said alot of which social ervices knew nothing about,

She now messages on fb or texts me looking for sympathy and to be honest i have none for her and feel like saying f**k off out of our lives your son is better off with out you and is lucky to be alive.

there's alot I havn't put in here as it would make this really long thread so much longer what would you all do in this situation

kalidanger Fri 08-Feb-13 10:20:27

Do social services mandate the contact she has with them? Staying at yours surely isn't part of that. You could decide to stick precisely to the SS plan for her contact. And no more FB or texts. Stick to email contact only.

HecateWhoopass Fri 08-Feb-13 10:25:28

I'd remove her from my facebook and make contact with her formal and related to arrangements to see or speak to her child only, and in accordance with any contact arrangement.

And I'd carry on being a loving step mum to that child. It's good that he's got you and how much you love him.

MariusEarlobe Fri 08-Feb-13 10:27:07

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

diaimchlo Fri 08-Feb-13 10:31:48

Your step son is very lucky to have you xx

ThingummyBob Fri 08-Feb-13 10:36:23

So your partner had daily contact with his son after splittig with the childs mother, yes?

The children are living in a chaotic household, lack of basic care being provided for by the mother, yes?

So he decides the right course of action is to move 90 miles away where contact will no longer be either easy, or daily, yes?

I think your partner is not much of a father tbh.

RedHelenB Fri 08-Feb-13 10:37:56

Poor kid parted from their sibling! Personally I would have seen if I could have fostered the older child too.! But yes, it's best to stick to more formal communication.

tinkerbelle31 Fri 08-Feb-13 10:42:49

social services have said that she is no longer allowed over night stays so we have said she could stay in a local b n b again she complained she doesnt have the money, social services are just in a supporting role for us now as dss has come on leaps and bounds since living here no longer uses a puschair and is out of nappies he's 5, but she kept him in his pushchair all the time even in the house and in nappies because she said he woudnt use the potty, she also claimed his behaviour was in managable I have yet to see this, she also said he is a picky eater n would oly eat take away kind of food and wouldnt use cuttelry again I havnt seen this.
We dont tell lil one when his mum says she is coming for a visit as we know she will cancel any way, she compains she has no money yet she posts on fb that she's going out with friends or having a girly night with friends her contact with her eldest is at a contact centre we are pushing for the same thing.
There is still sibling contact regular phone calls and trips to play centres and letters flying back and forth older sibling still wants to live with us, but has serious behaviour problems which I dont think I could deal with but would love for over night stays but been told this is not likely to happen while he is in care,
I see her post on fb every other day about how she loves her kids and I feel like comenting something nasty but that wouldnt be very productive, I have ignored her texts and calls for the last week saying my phone isn't working properly and don't even open the fb messages any more (it shows i have read them is i do)
Should I just be honest and tell her I don't want any contact with her as I dont need to my oh makes all the contact arrangments

tinkerbelle31 Fri 08-Feb-13 10:43:49

sorry I keep writing essays I want to give as much information as possible to help people make an informed decision

kalidanger Fri 08-Feb-13 10:45:51

Should I just be honest and tell her I don't want any contact with her as I dont need to my oh makes all the contact arrangments

Yes. It's more his responsibility than yours, as long ad hes up to it? Defriend her and concentrate on your DSS.

AnyFucker Fri 08-Feb-13 10:48:07

I have no extra advice, but you sound like a fantastic mum x

kalidanger Fri 08-Feb-13 10:48:56

All the little bits of her news and bullshit are a distraction. Defriend her! It's obviously important in the context of her not being the worlds greatest mother but that's partly resolved now as you have care of DSS. So you don't need to know about every further detail about why it has come to this conclusion. It'll reinforce the decision, of course, but the decision is made and it's time to stop 'gathering evidence' and concentrate on moving forwards.

tinkerbelle31 Fri 08-Feb-13 10:49:32

ThingummyBob he had to move for work aswell as to be with me it wasn't a decision taken lightly and we both feel really guilty about it and wonder if it was me that moved the 90 miles to be with him would things be much differnt, but what's done is done and no amount of if buts and maybe's are going to change that but thanks for your input

ThingummyBob Fri 08-Feb-13 10:56:25

fair nuff OP.

Maybe its just me, but I would a question his judgement as a parent as much as hers in the whole mess.

kalidanger Fri 08-Feb-13 11:04:01

Yep. You're dealing with it all, OP. Where is your DH's responsibility? He needs to step up.

tinkerbelle31 Fri 08-Feb-13 11:32:53

she rings him aswell to to complain about every thing, I'm posting because I dont need contact with her, my oh deals with social services alot of the time and arranges all the contact visits
We discuss it all at great length and normally between the two of us we solve things, this one was a bit tricky though as I didnt want to be cold hearted, but to be honest right now I couldnot care less how she feels, she is doing nothing to help herself be in a better possition to have more access to her children.
we have looked into moving closer in the past but it wasnt to be.
Before he left the area she seemed to be coping and he had no concerns things went down hill very quickly even though she had support from family and he tried to be there as much as possible.

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