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To be beyond angry that I have to deal with this person now?

(19 Posts)
Midori1999 Thu 07-Feb-13 17:17:09

My Grandad died today. He was like a father to me. He gave me away at my wedding and he was someone I could always turn to for sensible and unbiased advice, no matter what.

The person who rang me to tell me was my Father. The man who fought in the courts for custody of my sister and I and won and then later decided to give us back because his new wife didn't want us around. My stepmother physically and emotionally abused me, prevented my sister and I from seeing our Grandparents, then, when my sister and I went to live with our Mother, my Father and his new family became estranged from my Grandparents, his parents. It broke my Gran's heart, as she always felt he had done nothing wrong and my stepmother was to blame for everything. I didn't see my father much from about 8 years old, I went into foster care when I was 13 an he still didn't get in touch, even though he was in touch with My Grandparents then. I saw him at my sister's wedding 16 years ago and he wanted to talk to me and told me he'd like to be in touch but I had to accept responsibility for us not speaking for so long. I told him to get lost basically.

My Gran has always given him information about me. She has always tried to get me to speak to him. My Grandfather never really forgave him for his behaviour but tolerated hoof roar my Grandmothers sake. He is the kind of man who would never really be rude to anyone anyway. It was my Gran's idea that my Father rang me today. My sister had offered to do it.

Now my Gran is expecting me to ring her and I want to avoid any conversation about my Father. I know she will try and bring it up and seen this as an opportunity for us to speak again. I obviously do not want to upset her at this time or discuss it with her. I also don't know how I am going to avoid him at the funeral and feel like it is going to be extremely awkward.

I don't really know what to do. I just don't want to deal with my Father right now and feel I can't avoid it.

Fenton Thu 07-Feb-13 17:26:09

I'm so sorry you've lost your Granddad, he sounds like a lovely man.

Perhaps you could just cut her short if she talks about him, and say please, Gran, not now, this is not something I can talk about now, all I can think about is Granddad.

I don't know what else to say. thanks

WildEyedAndHairy Thu 07-Feb-13 17:29:36

I'm so sorry for the loss of your Grandad and the way you have been so badly let down by your father. Not sure what to advise but didn't want to read and run sad

HollyBerryBush Thu 07-Feb-13 17:33:37

You just say "nan, it's all too raw, you've lost your husband and I've lost the man I consider to have played the fathers role in my life, lets not upset each other by bringing {bio dads name} into the conversation today"

PandaOnAPushBike Thu 07-Feb-13 17:34:19

I'm so sorry for your loss. I lost my Dad recently and from my experience I would say the best way to protect yourself is to not get drawn into any family politics at this time. If people try to bring things up, politely leave the room/end the call/get yourself away somehow. Now is most definately not the time to be dealing with pre-existing family issues.

WhichIsBest Thu 07-Feb-13 17:34:48

I am so sorry. It sounds like a terrible situation to have to think about at the same time as dealing with your loss. sad

Sashapineapple Thu 07-Feb-13 17:38:57

Sorry about you Grandad ((())) At this point I would do whatever my Gran wanted because she has just lost her husband and her feelings would come first above my own.

Andro Thu 07-Feb-13 17:42:15

I think HollyBerryBush has the right advice.

My condolences for your loss.

StuntGirl Thu 07-Feb-13 17:44:45

I'm so sorry for your loss sad

I think the others are spot on, just cut her off and focus on your lovely Grandad.

GetOrf Thu 07-Feb-13 17:53:12

I am so sorry. What a bloody awful time you have had, your childhood sounds heartbreaking.

I don't blame you for not wanting to deal with him. I really think that you should say that you just want to talk about your granddad, and your gran, and you don't want to think about your father at all.

I am really sorry. Just when you want someone to look after you, you have to get your defences up. I really feel for you and hope that the next few days (funeral planning and all that horrible limbo land) go as well as can be expected.

zippey Thu 07-Feb-13 18:09:48

Im sorry for your loss too. The advice given above sounds really good and should cut short any conversation your gran makes about him. It is a sad time for her as well and maybe she feels that mentioning her son, your father, will make things easier to cope for her, in these early stages.

Sounds like you dislike your father for rejecting you and your sister after getting together with his new wife.

Good luck.

Midori1999 Thu 07-Feb-13 19:35:01

Thank you. It seems obvious now really. I'm going to wait until the DC are in bed. They know, but I don't want to upset them more.

zippey I wouldn't mind if he'd just rejected us tbh. It's the fact that he allowed his wife to treat me so cruelly that I really can't forgive. Especially now I have my own DC, I just can't imagine putting anything or anyone before them, they mean absolutely everything to me. My sister speaks to him, it was me who was singled out for the abuse, goodness knows why. It doesn't really matter now, I just don't want. Any contact.

MammaTJ Thu 07-Feb-13 19:54:27

So sorry for your loss.

I get what you mean about his wife, it makes the treatment worse that he allowed it.

I agree with what Fenton advises.

Helltotheno Thu 07-Feb-13 20:00:15

It's the fact that he allowed his wife to treat me so cruelly that I really can't forgive.

You're right, it's absolutely inexcusable and I can never get my head around that sort of behaviour myself. As others have said, just be very clear about your boundaries and under no circumstances entertain anyone you don't want to speak to. It sounds like you're close to your gran but she is BU if she expects you to be making friendly overtures to your father who allowed you be treated like that. Again, when it comes to these things, people just don't seem to have any empathy.

And when the funeral is over, go NC with him if that's what make your life easiest, and resist any efforts by anyone else to force you to deal with him, no matter what your sister or anyone else chooses to do.

Midori1999 Sat 09-Feb-13 19:07:45


Im just getting more and more angry tbh. I don't know if it is grief or what, but my 'father' has text me a couple of times for unecessary things, like telling me some flowers I sent had arrived. They were from my sister too and she could have told me they had got there.

My Gran won't speak to anyone, so any contact will have to be through him, or my sister via him. I have no idea what is happening about the funeral etc, my sister has heard nothing either, just been asked not to phone. I need to have some clue what is going on really, as I am pregnant and don't want to fly as I am high risk and when I was pregnant with my twins it all went wrong after I flew. I know it's not likely to be connected, but I just feel I don't want to risk it. My Gran doesn't know I am pregnant, so I suspect she thinks I can fly down. I also have committments I cannot get out of at the end of next week.

I don't really know what to do, I feel like I am in limbo.

quoteunquote Sat 09-Feb-13 19:19:59

Phone the funeral directors and ask them to let you know when the funeral is, send your grandmother a letter, put your thoughts down, mark it private.

*You just say "nan, it's all too raw, you've lost your husband and I've lost the man I consider to have played the fathers role in my life, lets not upset each other by bringing {bio dads name} into the conversation today*"

and what Holly said for any phone conversation.

it terrible unfair for your father to ask anything of you, or use the situation to his advantage, quite a common ploy, as it to good an opportunity to brush things under the carpet,

If he tries to engage you in conversation, just tell him that you would prefer to address the subject when you can both can give it the time needed and do it the justice it deserves, and to do so at a time that suits you,

Do what is best for you, as that is what anyone who loves you would want.

Midori1999 Sat 09-Feb-13 19:33:30

Thank you. I don't even know who the funeral directors are. sad

PomBearWithAnOFRS Sat 09-Feb-13 20:27:04

I'm so sorry for your loss Midori sad
Just remember, that, if it comes to it, your Grandad would have wanted you and his unborn great grandchild to be safe and well, so if you don't get to his funeral for whatever reason, he will understand, wherever he is.
Don't be too hard on yourself, and don't let the rest of the family lay any burden of unecessary guilt on you either. You will be under quite enough strain as it is, without any more piled on - just look after yourself and your children. If you wanted to, you could have your own little "send off" to say goodbye to your Grandad - do something that was meaningful to you both, light a candle or read something he liked, or talk a walk or whatever you like. You don't have to put yourself through an ordeal at his formal funeral if you don't want to, and you don't have to face your bio father or anyone else unless and until you are ready to do it.

quoteunquote Sat 09-Feb-13 20:51:42


There are only ever a few in each area, just phone round, explain you didn't want to add stress to your grandmother situation.

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