Lazy DHs. Why did you marry them?(108 Posts)
I see many women on MN moaning about the fact that their husbands won't help round the house, can't cook, can't work a washing machine, don't help with childcare etc etc.
Did you not think about this before you married them? I've been married for nearly 30 years and right from the start my DH has cooked, cleaned & helped with childcare.
I honestly would not, and could not, have married a man who could not do these basic tasks. I would have no respect for them.
He can say no because he doesn't care about having either of those things. when I met him took his work clothes to a cleaner and just wore stinking dirty clothes often. He is also happy to eat crap every day.
He will occasionally put a load of washing on if he has exhausted every thing. But it all goes in together on a hot wash and is worn screwed up and unironed. Totally mismatching etc.
I genuinely suspect, (i used to be a senco so I know a little) and it has been pointed out by others, that he has asd. Not just about this, but his behaviour over other things too. He finds the world a very difficult place.
That makes things slightly different. If it's a genuine problem for him then it's your decision as to whether you're willing to live with that. If my DH acquired a disability that meant he did less housework it wouldn't be a dealbreaker for me, I would live with it.
At first I thought it was just massive laziness. But the more I see the more I'm not so sure.
I do not do my DPs washing, I rarely do my DCs washing. I do my own and the bedding.
DP and me share the housework pretty much equally, as we do the childcare
although DP puts them to bed and deals with their morning routines so in truth he does more than me because we both work full time.
I've also been married for almost 30 years. Up until just before DC5 was born we always split everything 50/50, and I could have written your OP. Then DH got promoted, started doing lots of extra -unpaid- hours at work and decided (without mentioning it to me) that he wasn't going to do anything at home . Because we had 3 teens at home, whenever I complained he'd insist that "the boys" were supposed to be doing XYZ. It wasn't until the boys moved out that I realised he was doing sweet FA.
We have had several conversations about it, and following the most recent one he is now making an effort. I think he'd got so used to not bothering that it'd become a habit.
I did explain to him that I would never have married someone who'd decided it was my job to do everything. He agreed he was BU.
No I have never understood it either, and posted a very similar message a few months ago.
I have a number of friends who are putting up with the most unbelievable behaviour. For example husbands who complain about the state of the house when they come home from work and not contributing anything to help clean up, spend the whole weekend doing exactly what pleases them, not spending time with the children. As well as spending money willy nilly and running up depts.
I get so cross about it, that I just want to shake these women and say "fgs, you deserve better than this!" Of course I don't though, I just smile and offer a listening ear.
The trouble is, I think this behaviour is seen as normal for some women, and lets not forget the grinding down of one's self esteem that goes along with staying at home with the children and being reliant on a man for one's income.
I think that some relationships have a dynamic, more or less conscious, in which one person looks after the other, and that this makes both people in the relationship feel happy. I wouldn't stand for my brother in law's assumed incompetence for example, but it appears to be what suits both him and my sister if he asks her for things and she sorts it out. They're both hugely capable intelligent people, so I can only guess that it works for them, as she did apparently set a limit regarding laundry.
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