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To be so irate over a friend's attitude

(55 Posts)
pingu2209 Thu 07-Feb-13 16:52:34

My friend goes on and on and on at me about how she has no money and can't afford to give her sons' birthday parties, take them places or buy them expensive toys such as Nintendo DS etc. She plays the violin and is fishing for sympathy on a regular basis.

She constantly compares what I do with my children to what she does with hers. Her boys go swimming once a week and ask to go to the after school clubs and sports clubs but she says she can't afford them.

However, she smokes 20 a day, SilkCut.

I have very little sympathy for someone who is all "Wo is me, my children are suffering because I have no money...." but then SMOKES.

She spends at least £50 a week on bloody cigarettes.

Nothing to do with me what she does with her money - but she is always going on and on about not having any. It is pissing me off.

earlierintheweek Thu 07-Feb-13 16:53:46

Okay. Why be friends with her then? You sound awfully angry and if I were you I'd step back from the friendship.

sooperdooper Thu 07-Feb-13 16:54:44

Mention it to her then smile

KeepingCalmAndPostingNicely Thu 07-Feb-13 16:55:04

Yep - sounds like you're not having a nice time being round her. Only one way to fix that!

Trills Thu 07-Feb-13 16:55:23

I assume she has other qualities that make you choose to be friends with her?

YANBU to find that annoying, but "irate" seems a bit much.

manicbmc Thu 07-Feb-13 16:56:07

As a smoker, that would annoy the hell out of me too.

I've cut down. I smoke what I can afford. If it was a case of going out and doing stuff or smoking (and I smoke a whole lot less than your friend), the fags would have to go.

She could smoke rollies?

Lulumama Thu 07-Feb-13 16:56:12

I can see why this would frustrate you , but I think suggesting she stops smoking to save her money wold probably get you an ear bashing. She would probably argue it is her only indulgence and she deserves it etc substitute cigarettes for say, gym membership, would you feel the same?

pingu2209 Thu 07-Feb-13 16:56:27

I have stepped back, but it is difficult as there are so many other people who we are both friends with. The last straw was when I started working after being a SAHM as a dinner lady. There were 2 jobs going and she could easily have taken the other one, but she said no because she would be embarrassed doing it.

Lulumama Thu 07-Feb-13 16:57:20

then her ciggies are the least of teh problems, i'd be more pissed off she felt that taking that job ws beneath her. that's an attitude i'd hate to deal with

manicbmc Thu 07-Feb-13 16:57:44

In that case, she can fuck right off. Who would be 'embarrassed' to be a dinner lady?

pingu2209 Thu 07-Feb-13 16:58:46

At Christmas when her twin boys wanted a Nintendo DS each, I found second hand ones at £50 each. I suggested she stopped smoking for just 2 weeks and then she could buy them the DS's that they really wanted.

She said that smoking was her only vice and she didn't go out to the pub, go clubbing, have SKY etc. So she wouldn't stop smoking.

manicbmc Thu 07-Feb-13 17:09:38

She could have cut down for 4 weeks and got the presents.

HollyBerryBush Thu 07-Feb-13 17:11:40

But she's an addict. She cant stop just because you think she should. She would have to want to stop.

PrivatelyPeaceful Thu 07-Feb-13 17:11:54

I thought she literally played the violin and wondered how that was relevant grin

expatinscotland Thu 07-Feb-13 17:12:38

So don't be friends with her. But irate? If this is all you have to get irate about, consider yourself lucky.

DeepRedBetty Thu 07-Feb-13 17:15:05

yanbu to be exasperated. I still enjoy the odd rollie, but I can afford about £10 month without short changing the family.

One of my SILs is like this, the only difference is she did - eventually - knuckle down and get a dinner lady job!

She now bangs on at the drop of a hat about feckless benefit scroungers. Unfortunately thanks to being in work she can afford to get the DM. I sometimes feel I can't win...

florencepink Thu 07-Feb-13 17:20:52

Maybe she feels like this because she is comparing herself to what you have or do with your kids? Maybe try telling her what a good job she is doing or pick out something her kids do well and compliment her on it. It's just a different approach to try.

NaturalBlondeYeahRight Thu 07-Feb-13 17:23:20

PrivatelyPeaceful, yy me too. Busking?

FellatioNels0n Thu 07-Feb-13 17:27:17

What Holly said. However, YANBU and people like that annoy me too. Especially when they say there is no food in the house.

PrivatelyPeaceful Thu 07-Feb-13 17:28:31

Blonde am giggling away now

lljkk Thu 07-Feb-13 17:30:49

I think OP can't help but notice and find it grating. Exercise in diplomacy.

I have friends who tell their children they are skint so kids can't have XYZ things. Naturally those expensive things are things that the parents disapprove of, anyway.

BUT, the parents have a very expensive hobby. I fear that one day I will hear the children saying yet again "We can't have X because we don't have much money" and I may blurt something out I shouldn't.

Sashapineapple Thu 07-Feb-13 17:32:31

That sort of thing annoys me too. I know someone who smokes 20 a day (malboro lights) and then says she can only afford to give her kids tesco value fish fingers and stuff like that for tea. If she spent less on fags and more on the kids food she could feed them better quality and fruit and veg.

pingu2209 Thu 07-Feb-13 18:16:34

I thought "am I being too judgemental? Or actually do I have a point?"

I couldn't work it out for myself. It is a bit of a mixed bag.

We have booked a week's holiday in Cornwall over the Whitsun holiday and today my friend made a sarcastic comment, again, about how lovely it would be to afford a holiday. I replied by telling her that it cost £700 for the week so if she stopped smoking she could afford it in 3 months.

She walked away and a massive huff.

Why should she make comments about how 'lucky' I am to afford to do family things, but she puffs her family days into her lungs.

DontmindifIdo Thu 07-Feb-13 18:24:57

well, keep pointing it out to her every time she bitches about having no money that she could afford X if she stopped smoking for Y length of time. Either she'll make an effort not to complain at you about her finances, or she'll stop being your friend. Either way seems to work.

But someone who always goes on about how 'lucky' you are to have certain things they could easily afford if they made different choices are as annoying as the sort of people who tell you that you are 'lucky' to be thin, while they then go on to eat a pile of crap. A lot of people's 'bad luck' is actually 'bad choices' - but people don't like having their bad choices pointed out to them.

The trick is to realise what bad choices you have made/currently making and not complain about the concequences of them.

ENormaSnob Thu 07-Feb-13 18:38:23


This would irritate me too.

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