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To be annoyed with this couple

(229 Posts)
Ponderingonaquandry Thu 07-Feb-13 13:42:39

Hope I don't out myself here, going to have to be vague!

I know (I won't say friends as that's over egging it a bit) a couple who have a young, school age, family. Neither parent works, fine, job market is utterly shit at the moment so totally understandable. Both are complaining they are broke and will be more so when the benefit reforms come in and how unfair it is on them. So my dp comes up with a good solution to solve their problems and his workload, he offers the dad a job, reasonable pay, not great, but a foot on the ladder, and helps both parties out. So we were a bit shocked when the dad turns it down saying he's needed at home 'in case of an emergency'. My jaw hit the floor.

Neither parent has a disability nor do the children.

Thankfully my brother had a friend in a similar situation who snapped the job up so dp's stress levels are alleviated a bit, but still. Not the point.

AIBU to be annoyed with them over this?

DeepRedBetty Thu 07-Feb-13 14:25:20

You've said you're annoyed with 'this couple' but it's the husband who was offered the job and turned it down, with a reason that to me doesn't add up. Yes, maybe they've got other reasons that they don't want to talk about to turn work down.

But if that's the genuine reason he turned the job down yanbu to be not sympathetic when you next hear him moaning, and assuming he talked it over with his wife, yanbu to feel the same if she starts up.

LadyBeagleEyes Thu 07-Feb-13 14:27:56

'They're on the very edges of your social circle' shock.
They don't like you Op, get over it, I wouldn't take a job from your Dp either, if he's as patronising as you.
Much as you want to be Lady and Lord Bountiful, you are talking about real people, and have no clue about their lives.

BegoniaBampot Thu 07-Feb-13 14:29:22

Folk are just jumping on the bandwagon, having a go at OP and her husband (who no one knows). baaaa, sheep.

Lord and Lady Bountiful? Patronising? Judgemental? No wonder people don't want to try to help other people any more.

EldritchCleavage Thu 07-Feb-13 14:30:30

Well OP, now you can tune out/refuse to listen to the whining with a clear conscience.

MarmaladeTwatkins Thu 07-Feb-13 14:30:42

Honestly, I am sick of these accusations of bandwagon jumping on MN.

Is that what we're calling it now, when several posters hold the same viewpoint?

BegoniaBampot Thu 07-Feb-13 14:31:22

Only the sheep ones!

earlierintheweek Thu 07-Feb-13 14:31:35

I'm not jumping on any bandwagon. The OP doesn't know this couple. Not all disabilities are visible. There could be any one of a whole load of reasons why the husband didn't want to take the job he was offered.

Bobyan Thu 07-Feb-13 14:31:40

Op wouldn't worry about it, they're the ones losing out when the benefit changes happen...

WileyRoadRunner Thu 07-Feb-13 14:34:48

Do they moan that they have no money as no job? Presumably if they talk about looking for work then, well they're looking for work (and not unable to work).

To turn down a job when you are looking for work is strange, especially if you are under financial strain and concerned for the future and how you will manage.

I'm on the fence on this one - sadly there are many people who don't want to work, but there are also those that cannot.

I don't think your husband was patronising offering someone needing work a job and I find that accusation a bit hmm.

LadyBeagleEyes Thu 07-Feb-13 14:34:53

It was the remark 'they're on the edges of my social circle' that did it for me SDTG.
It just sounded so inherently snobbish.
Oh, and it's quandary, isn't it?

LtEveDallas Thu 07-Feb-13 14:34:55

Why are people continuing to berate the OP when she quite clearly states at 13:53

I will freely admit I'm being unreasonable here just a bit confused by them that's all

Do posters not RTFT any more?

earlierintheweek Thu 07-Feb-13 14:35:59

So, you're me a few years ago. I look fine. I have no visible disabilities and neither do my children. I'm on benefits. I'm a bit broke and I might moan to my friends about it.

Supposing someone offered me a job. Like the OP and her husband did. And I said "sorry I'd rather be at home for the DCs". That's not allowed? That makes her jaw drop to the floor?

What I should have said was

"I'm very sorry I suffer from crippling anxiety, and depression. I can hardly get out the door some days and have to take a cocktail of tablets just to get through the day. I'm also waiting for gynae surgery as the blood is running out of me every month to the point where I cannot go more than an hour without needing to change tampons and pads and this too is affecting my life to the point where I don't want to go out the door"?

Just because you can't SEE an issue, doesn't mean there isn't one.

Ponderingonaquandry Thu 07-Feb-13 14:37:24

Hey look I said I'm prepared to be called unreasonable over this but I'm not sure where the conclusion jumping and spite has come from.

I am very much aware of non visible disabilities, having them myself so I realise there could be a myriad of reasons for turning the offer down but if that is the case surely constructing a better refusal would be better?

Perhaps if we are ever in a position again to help someone, even with a small favour, it would be better if we simply stayed quiet for fear of appearing like 'lord and lady bountiful' 'patronising' and 'judgmental'.

MarmaladeTwatkins Thu 07-Feb-13 14:37:33

I also don't think that your husband was patronising, just being kind/helpful.

But is IT the other man's right to turn the job down.

If your DH was offering the job as a well-meaning friend then you shouldn't really feel pissed off with them. I'd be as confused as you are but probably not pissed off.

AlbertaCampion Thu 07-Feb-13 14:37:35

Ah, Mumsnet at its huffy-puffiest!

Ignore all the sanctimonious whatsits, Pondering. YANBU.

Ponderingonaquandry Thu 07-Feb-13 14:39:03

I'd love to be home for my children. I have hidden disibilities. I work full time.

Those are the facts of my situation. I am understanding of people's issues and realise the reality is often different to what's portrayed by the person.

I don't walk round with my head in the clouds.

earlierintheweek Thu 07-Feb-13 14:39:11

Pondering - maybe you caught him on the hop and he wasn't expecting to be asked so the refusal was the best he could come up with at the time?

I found the whole tone of your OP a bit off tbh. But I haven't done anything other than explain why he might have said what he said.

WileyRoadRunner Thu 07-Feb-13 14:39:24

OP had the couple said that they were looking for work?

Ponderingonaquandry Thu 07-Feb-13 14:40:06

Thank you for the support though everyone.

As it stands I'm disappearing to the hospital for the rest of the afternoon so won't be around to reply.

SanityClause Thu 07-Feb-13 14:42:50

OP, once a sister of an employee of ours needed a job, and we needed a nanny. Perfect!

But, she didn't understand that what we were offering was gross, not net. She wanted to take my PFB to her mum's where they would sit smoking all day. All sorts of problems.

Now, if she had not been the sister of an employee, we would have just let it go, and say, sorry, we'll find someone more suitable. But, because of the connection, we had to bend over backwards to make sure she was happy. We ended up paying her more than she was worth than we intended, all because of her sister.

Maybe your acquaintances are thinking of this; that it could make things difficult for them with their friends, who are your friends, if it didn't work out.

Floggingmolly Thu 07-Feb-13 14:43:05

Making them feel like a charity case hmm. They were happy enough to bollock on about how unfair the benefit reforms are on them, how is offering him a job patronising???

pictish Thu 07-Feb-13 14:44:37

Your thread title is 'AIBU to be annoyed with this couple'.
Then you go on to say "I will freely admit I'm being unreasonable here just a bit confused by them that's all!" clarify. Ywnbu to offer the dad the job. That was nice of you.
Hwnbu to turn it down. He doesn't HAVE to take it.
Yabu to be annoyed. You're not 'confused' started this thread because you are annoyed as the thread title says.

You have no business being annoyed at this couple, no. It was nice of you to offer, but to be offended because they weren't as grateful as you imagined they would be, is ridic.

Mind your own business. Don't get involved if you get annoyed when people won't do as they're told.

LtEveDallas Thu 07-Feb-13 14:45:46

Pondering, try not to give it any more headspace. Your DP tried to do a good thing, it didn't work out quite as he wanted, but someone else has been able to benefit instead.

If they are only friends of friends (how I interpreted your 'outside the social circle' comment) then hopefully you wont have to listen to them complaining any more, because that would drive me mad too.

ajandjjmum Thu 07-Feb-13 14:49:42

Of course there could be a genuine reason why he may not have accepted the job, or he could just be a lazy git who's happy to live off others.

We shall never know.

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