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I don't know anymore to be honest - dh related of courese

(31 Posts)
meganfebruary Thu 07-Feb-13 13:31:24

Name changer here.

I am in my mid forties and live with my dh and our 15 year old dd. Dp and I both work full time. My job is the set hours one - I leave the house at 7 am and am home by 5 pm. Dp, who is a contractor, usually leaves for work around 8 30 - 9 am depending on where he working. At the moment he has a steady job, so leaves the house at around 8 30 am and is back by around 6 30 pm.

I feel as though I do everything in the house, apart from the cooking which dp shares. I do the washing, the majority of the food shopping, the house cleaning (we have a cleaner who comes every week but I do the day to stuff such as clearing up the breakfast things, putting the washing away, tidying the living room before bed etc); the gardening. I have just got a gardener in to do some work, which dp is annoyed about. He said he would do the work if I paid him the same money I paid to the gardener. He laughed when I said you don't get paid to look after your own home and garden. He has mowed the lawn twice in the 12 years we have lived here.

Dp is very good at looking busy. He sits on his lap top (his work is IT related) for most of the evening when he is home. When I ask him to do anything - such as today - changing the cat flap battery - he says he will do it "later". He then says he "will do it in my timescale not yours". I know this means never most of the time.

There are times in the evening when I come home from work, load the dish washer, load the washing machine, clear the kitchen, and start cooking and dp comes in an hour later and sits straight down and fiddles on his lap top. He will very occasionally load the dish washer. He will not unload it.

He doesn't always outright refuse; he says he is busy and then turns it on me by saying I am trying to get him to do stuff that can wait straight away. He put a load of his clothes in the washing machine in August (dd and I had been away). Two days later they were still in there.

I think he genuinely sees chores as being below him.

The ironic thing is he hardly earns any more than me, yet if I am to believe he is working on his laptop, he is certainly paid less than me by the hour.

He has always been like this. I have enabled it by firstly working part time for the first years of dd's life so I did have more time at home and secondly by just doing stuff.

I have had enough. He is teaching dd that it is okay to opt out of household chores. I do not know what to do. We had a huge row about this a few weeks ago, nothing is resolved.

No-one knows that this is the situation. I come across as a a strong woman who doesn't put up with rubbish like this.

Is there any hope in him changing? What do I need to do to help this?

TheSkiingGardener Thu 07-Feb-13 23:11:23

Why the hell are you waiting on them hand and foot. Stop it!

JoyceDivision Thu 07-Feb-13 23:17:01

I always like the joke where the dh comes home to the house turned upside down and asks 'what happened?' and the dw says 'You know when you ask me what it is I do all day? Well today I didn't do it'

Why not just stop the tasks? Cook for yourself (and obv DD if DD isn't needing to be pulled up about contributing) Do the washing and ironing for your clothes, don't clean up / tidy up / put stuff away / turn off lights when they're left on etc, arrange your own appointments, repeat pescriptions, own car insurance, if you can grit your teeth and stick it out, it may have some effect!

mercury7 Fri 08-Feb-13 01:27:32

my ex husband once admitted that he felt housework was beneath him.
He told me that he'd sometimes think perhaps he should do some, but then he'd think 'nah, it's women's work'

Snazzynewyear Fri 08-Feb-13 01:45:12

For the next few nights, go straight out from work. Meet a friend, see a film, eat a pub meal, whatever. Just leave them to it - send a text to say you've been held up at work if you feel you ought. But don't come back and do all the chores. This will mean putting up with some mess in the meantime but grit your teeth and do it. Your husband in particular is clearly not going to believe you will ever stop picking up the slack until it actually happens.

Apileofballyhoo Fri 08-Feb-13 10:14:00

I am a SAHM. My husband is doing a full time college course, working part time and has a medical condition that makes him very tired. He still manages to do a small bit around the house and tries to let me get a sleep in at the weekend. He always thanks me for clean clothes and meals and I've never cut the grass. He can't/won't cook so is not perfect but he does his best. YANBU at all. Stop doing it.
When I was DD's age I was doing my own laundry and loading and unloading the dishwasher. I was able to cook a few meals but I am ashamed looking back I didn't do more to help my mother as she worked full time. You are not a servant. There isn't even a traditional man/woman divide as your DH isn't doing the garden/car - my father would have taken responsibility for the garden, the cars and household repairs and I still think he could have done more.
Drastic measures are called for. Do you think your DH loves you? I don't mean to be rude or disrespectful, it's a genuine question. Because you deserve to be treated with respect in your own home. I wish you well with sorting it all out.

Downandoutnumbered Fri 08-Feb-13 11:24:45

OP, why are you with him? He sounds a real catch. I agree with all those who say you should go away for a couple of weeks (or longer if that's what it takes) and leave him and your DD to it. And in your shoes I really would be thinking about whether this was a relationship I wanted to be in long-term. As someone said above, you are setting your DD an appalling example of how relationships work: she'll expect to be a skivvy if she marries or lives with a man.

Incidentally, I work FT and DH is a SAHD (although our DS is only 2 and very demanding). I do far more than your DH does. Not because I'm a saint but because that's what normal, respectful people do for their partners.

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