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To wonder what happened to kindness?

(56 Posts)
Hullygully Thu 07-Feb-13 13:27:09

Serious question.

When people say MIL wants X but I don't or friend wants a lift or etc etc

people constantly say: your wedding, your rules
your house, your rules
your child, your rules
your car, fuck them

What happened to simple kindness and putting other people first? Has there really been a sea change in attitude, or do I just not come across it in RL?

atthewelles Thu 07-Feb-13 13:30:48

Totally agree. I hate that attitude and you see it a lot on here, particularly in relation to MILs.

Sugarice Thu 07-Feb-13 13:31:14

I think kindness still exists yet we may be more hard faced these days and are aware of not wishing to be seen as pushovers or doormats.

I'm kind at heart and would help anyone in need but I won't be taken advantage of and it's a fine line, in my opinion anyway.

Hullygully Thu 07-Feb-13 13:34:01

I think one should always be kind if possible, mostly it's no skin off one's own nose to make someone else really happy. Isn't that a nice thing to do?

Hullygully Thu 07-Feb-13 13:34:53

I bring my dc up to be as kind as possible, I would hate it if they did the "my rules" thing or didn't think about other people's feelings.

valiumredhead Thu 07-Feb-13 13:35:55

I agree. A little kindness goes a long way.

Hullygully Thu 07-Feb-13 13:37:17

It does. And even if it isn't returned, it just means the other person isn't very evolved and/or well-mannered. It shouldn't stop one being kind oneself.

WandaDoff Thu 07-Feb-13 13:38:49

Hear Hear.

WhatsTheBuzz Thu 07-Feb-13 13:39:47

I'm not entirely convinced that (some) people are as outspoken and assertive in RL as they can be online.

Hullygully Thu 07-Feb-13 13:40:46

Do you mean people in RL just pretend to be kind?

BunnyLebowski Thu 07-Feb-13 13:40:47

Yes of course being kind is a good thing. But imo, always putting other people first at the expense of your own family's happiness/plans/sanity is just being a doormat.

And on here the "your house, your rules" advice is usually given because the MIL/family member/friend has already made inconsiderate and/or rude demands.

It's not in my DNA to put up and shut up in the name of "kindness". It has to be shown to be received.

Mitchy1nge Thu 07-Feb-13 13:40:49

it's my only house rule! Be Kind. It covers everything.

wonder what happened to it?

Lifeisontheup Thu 07-Feb-13 13:41:55

I think you should operate the 'treat other people how you would like to be treated' not necessarily as you are treated but how you would like to be, then you can't go far wrong.

sleepyhead Thu 07-Feb-13 13:43:12

Kindness just helps society rub along so much more easily. I hate the phrase "But why should I?" Why not?

WhatsTheBuzz Thu 07-Feb-13 13:44:04

I just don't think many people would be bold enough to actually say 'my house, my rules' (for example) to a family member. I think people put up with stuff to avoid stress. I often do.

LadyBeagleEyes Thu 07-Feb-13 13:44:50

I agree Hully, but I've always been a soft hearted cow.
I also hate 'Your house, your rules' with a passion. Unless someone is taking serious advantage, surely welcoming people into your home and putting up with their little foibles is a good thing?

Ponderingonaquandry Thu 07-Feb-13 13:44:56


Society has become so selfish now it's horrible. I help pick up after this attitude at work and it can have devastating effects.

TroublesomeEx Thu 07-Feb-13 13:47:40

I am kind.

But I don't want to be a push over or a doormat.

There's a difference between being kind and letting other people do whatever they want regardless of how you feel about it. Particularly if it affects you and your children/family.

Hullygully Thu 07-Feb-13 13:49:00

There is a vast vast gulf between kindness and doormattery

BerthaTheBogCleaner Thu 07-Feb-13 13:49:06

I agree that "kind" should be the default option. But a lot of people, especially women, are brought up to think they should help and serve and look after without regard to their own needs, and that they are intrinsically awful if they don't. If you are surrounded by that attitude, it's hard to see that fine line between "kind" and "doormat", and all the "your rules" stuff on MN helps people see that they are allowed to make the decision to be kind, or to put themselves and their family first.

ENormaSnob Thu 07-Feb-13 13:49:49

I am always kind and will do favours etc no problem.

However, I'm not a pushover and won't allow people to take the piss.

Psammead Thu 07-Feb-13 13:49:51

I think kindness will come back into fashion again. I think hard times brings it out of people, and these are apparently hard times. I think being too comfortable for too long makes people less inclined towards empathy.

EwanHoozami Thu 07-Feb-13 13:51:02

some seem to equate kindness with weakness when usually the opposite is true.

Trills Thu 07-Feb-13 13:51:52

I think we assume that there is something more than a simple favour being asked, or else the issue wouldn't end up on MN in the first place.

Hullygully Thu 07-Feb-13 13:52:16

I suppose it's the change from kindness, feeling a member of a society/community/ putting others first to a kind of glorification of selfishness. I see a righteous gleefulness in putting oneself first which is very retrogressive and depressing.

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