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AIBU to want nothing more to do with my inlaws after the way they have behaved?

(36 Posts)
nobette Thu 07-Feb-13 11:39:44

I feel like my inlaws are the most selfish, self centred , horrible people and I would cut them out of my life in a heartbeat if it weren?t for the fact that this would impact on my husband/kids.
MIL in particular is awful- a controlling and critical social climber who has no interest in her grandchildren ( on the very rare occasion that they?ve helped out with the kids she ?for example- just goes out to play bridge for 4 hours and leaves FIL to look after them.) He, incidentally worships the ground she walks on and this is part of the problem- she is basically a 70 year old SPOILED BRAT. She has lived a very comfortable life, not worked for 40+ years and pretty much had the gardners wife bring up her own 3 kids ( oh and sent my husband to full time boarding aged 7 to a school 15 mins away from their home).She has been indulged in every way and has basically done little with her life- from what I can see , and what I have been told, except socialize and be the village queen bee- everyone loves her as she IS very good in social situations. Her family however do acknowledge how difficult she can be, but seem to accept it anyway.
Anyhow the trigger to this posting is the fact that they return in 2 weeks from NZ where they have spent the last 3 months (as they do most winters), We are currently living in their house-AT THEIR INSISTENCE- as we recently moved to their area for my husbands work, having sold our house .We had a rental lined up but were told that we couldn?t possibly waste the money on that and that we had to move into their family home of 40 years. My gut instinct told me this was a terrible idea but I relented as my husband quite liked the idea of moving back to his family home and saving the money whilst I ,7 months pregnant and looking after a 2 yr old frankly didn?t put up enough of a fight and there did seem some logic to it as they were going to live in our holiday house in NZ/we would be paying the bills on the house here/their gardener etc so they would also save some money and know their house was ok. Therefore the arrangement could be seen as being mutually beneficial.
Problem is that as soon as they are back ( oh they also moved a lot of their stuff into a flat we have above my husbands business as part of the arrangement so they wont actually be living WITH us, thank God, until we have bought somewhere- we are furiously house hunting right now) that we will have to start socializing with them again/ they will be popping around every day or 2 probably to check on the house/garden like they did just before they left for NZ).
Anyway I am just so angry with them and have been fuming for months due to their appalling behaviour while I was pregnant/ after our 4 month old was born. There are many examples eg 5 days after I gave birth they arranged a house viewing(they want to sell the place) ? without even asking us. When we asked if it could be postponed we were told no it could not. 3 days after the birth they turned up drunk at the house demanding a lift to their friends house. No actual interest in their grandchildren whatsoever (actually maybe a little from FIL but none from her).We were also sat down and told we weren?t being? grateful? enough for being able to use their house while they were away. She has slagged me off to half the village, saying that most of our possessions are ?tat? and should just be thrown into a skip. She sulked and bitched to everyone she knew because we didn?t give them the Olympic tickets that we got in the lottery, (we had already given them as a birthday gift to my parents the year before when we got them) ? which was apparently a sign of our lack of gratitude. She did NOTHING to help me/us- struggling with a house move/2 year old in the last few weeks of pregnancy and first couple of weeks after the baby was born when I could have desperately have used the odd couple of hours of them enterntaining the 2 yr old, having none of my own family closer than 2 hours away. They drive around to houses that we are viewing-unasked- and then bang on and on for weeks about why we cant possibly buy any that weve mentioned that we like and then find others that are unsuitable and will not let up about those and why we should buy them, in a patronizing and insulting way, as if we are retarded. I could go on? Anyway I am just SO angry with them and know I need to get over it for the sake of the rest of my family but would be quite happy never to see them again.
AIBU to want my husband and kids to see them without me ( I could just go out each time). I know that this would upset my husband but I really have had enough. I mooted the idea of confronting them about their behaviour but my husband says that it is pointless- his mum will just cry and play the victim whilst taking nothing on board of what has been said and his Dad will just back her up this is what has happened every time in the past. I really do HATE her!!!!!!

Corygal Thu 07-Feb-13 11:42:18

YANBU. They're ghastly. Cheer up - you're moving out. As you're looking, make sure your new house is a long way away from them.

I am sure they are hideous but I can't read that post without spacing and paragraphs smile

FireOverBabylon Thu 07-Feb-13 11:44:10

I get that you're quite angry over this, but your OP is really hard to read. Could you report using paragraphs?

Narked Thu 07-Feb-13 11:44:36

Get a map. Mark where they live. Mark where your DH's work is. Find the furthest commutable distance he could travel from on the side away from your ILs. Buy there.

nobette Thu 07-Feb-13 11:46:47

Yep sorry about lack of paragraphs i was one hell of an unstoppable RANT! Will repost..

Floggingmolly Thu 07-Feb-13 11:50:17

They INSISTED you have their house instead of renting your own? It sounds like they thought they were doing you a favour, and you didn't HAVE to accept. Why did you? Get your own place, problem solved.

twolittlemonkeys Thu 07-Feb-13 11:56:04

I agree with Floggingmolly. Refuse their 'help' then they can't have any justification for acting like you owe them big time. I also like Narked's suggestion about commuting from the opposite direction! Don't tell them you're viewing houses, don't mention your plans. Find a house, tell them about it once you've exchanged contracts, or even better on completion, and move the hell out of there.

GoSuckEggs Thu 07-Feb-13 12:09:58

I find you use of the word 'retarded' extremely distasteful, and perhaps if you use language like that around them then it is no wonder they hate you and are deliberatly trying to make your life hell?

I know that if my DS married someone like you I would be most ashamed.

WileyRoadRunner Thu 07-Feb-13 12:12:50

It does sound a little like you want her for childcare but she has her own life....

If you don't want to be beholden to her you need to stand on you own two feet and get your own house/ arrange other childcare arrangements.

She does sound odd, but then again....

It sounds like a power struggle on both sides.

^^ that's what I posted on your other paragraphed thread!!

Naysa Thu 07-Feb-13 12:21:10

GoSuckEggs you would be most ashamed? Over a distasteful word? I'd hate to be your DIL

OP you need to get out of there. You don't really have a foot to stand on while you're living in her house.

The way she has raised her son is none of your business and it couldn't have been that bad or you wouldn't be in a relationship with him.

Move out of her house and then go from there.

thegreylady Thu 07-Feb-13 12:36:24

Well I wouldn't repost OP.
Your rant can be read by anyone who cares to and it does have four clearly defined paragraphs.
YANBU to be fed up with your inlaws and the sooner you are out of their house the better.
You have a 'holiday home' in New Zealand? Are you currently living in the UK?

Mosman Thu 07-Feb-13 12:37:33

A little break is probably what you need, for about 18 months after my MIL stayed with us in the UK I was at the hairdressers, out for lunch etc every time she came around. A nice bit of space and not seeing her for a while and letting DH deal with all her shite made the heart grow if not fonder but less horrified at the thought of her.

shesariver Thu 07-Feb-13 12:39:30

Yes greylady but there is no spacing between the paragraphs, I have difficulties enough with my eyes without seeing a big screed of words that despite what you think is very difficult to read and follow!

11Plustrauma Thu 07-Feb-13 12:47:31

Why are there 2 identical threads?

HintofBream Thu 07-Feb-13 12:48:31

I'd love to read the ILs' version of all this. Slightly different take on it I guess.

Fabsmum Thu 07-Feb-13 12:55:41

She's not lovely to your dc's.

That's horrid.

Apart from that, the rest is just typical DIL stuff and you being a bit precious.

In any case, she's old. She may die quite soon. Then she won't be able to bother you any more. wink

snowtimelikethepresent Thu 07-Feb-13 13:03:07

I'd love to read the ILs' version of all this. Slightly different take on it I guess

Sez it all Bream. Obviopusly from what it posted here it sounds like a bit of a nightmare, but when you take it all apart there's nothing dreadul going on, other than a clash of personalities.

Back in the day I used to have an allergic reaction to the very name of my MiL but now I really cannopt see what my problem was....

snowtimelikethepresent Thu 07-Feb-13 13:05:31

In any case, she's old. She may die quite soon. Just lovely! (though I guess you're not being wholly serious Fabsmum, since it's eminently possible that MiL has another 20 years or more in her yet)

But the more I read it the more I think that the 'bothering' cuts both ways.

SchroSawMargeryDaw Thu 07-Feb-13 13:12:03

"in a patronizing and insulting way, as if we are retarded."

I stopped feeling sympathetic for you right about there.

BarbarianMum Thu 07-Feb-13 13:14:47

You do not have to discuss your possible house purchase with them.

You do not have to discuss anything v important with them.

You cannot rely on them for help.

You cannot change them, or the past.

Their relationship, and the way they brought their children up is not your concern (and vice versa).

What you can do, to make your life bearable is to stop over-involving them in it. Clearly they've not had a personality change, so they were always like this. A faintly friendly, arms-length relationship seems in order. Preferably not in the same village. Then you can go weeks at a time without even thinking about them, let alone dealing with them.

Kormachameleon Thu 07-Feb-13 13:18:02

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MyDarlingClementine Thu 07-Feb-13 13:25:16


I was reading with interest until:

"and why we should buy them, in a patronizing and insulting way, as if we are retarded. I could go on?"

I wonder if they have over heard you using this sort of language and they too find it unnesary and offensive and - cheap. This is why they dont like you or want to help you.

I dont like your tone generally either, I usually side with the DIL but on this occasion I am going with MIL. ALL THE WAY.

Dinosaurhunter Thu 07-Feb-13 13:30:43

Don't take their help then - simple !

LoopsInHoops Thu 07-Feb-13 13:31:50

You sound entitled and a little bit pathetic to be honest. I'm not sure what she's done wrong really. Apart from clearly being very posh and minted. confused

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