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to ask for some persepective? ( long and about family)

(69 Posts)
lotsofboats Thu 07-Feb-13 11:00:17

I will try to keep the long story short, but I feel like I need to get this off my chest, I considered speaking to a counciller but then I thought you guys would be better smile
I have lived with my partner for 10 years and we have 4 young dc. Through various stages of our relationship we have wanted to marry. Each time met with horror from my parents. so we have put it on the back burner, done other things like mortgage etc with our money.
Anyway now we are both approaching 40 and desperatley want to get married. Nothing flash. Registry office followed by hall reception with a casual buffet. No speeches. (due to my Parents previous horror)

I spoke to my mother on the phone 3 days ago to say this was what we had decided. All fine on the phone. (too easy, I thought!)
Next day phone goes = Rant "why are you doing this to me?" You know I am ill. ( Hyperthyroid) I cant stand to have to be nice to people, Everyone will be staring at us, looking down on us etc etc. We wont come then you can do as you want.
Not content with that she phones back and tells me that she knows I wasnt at work the other afternoon when she babysat!? (I dont know were she thought I was) and that I am deceitful and have an evil party spirit. She tells me that she is heart broken that I am not the same person, and that I am wordly, and that she has tried and has now given up on me. I will always be part of their family and will never be anything different.

My dad then takes the phone to tell me it is pointless having a big wedding as we have had children and been together 10 years and we should go to gretna of just go to the registry office with just myself, partner and witnesses.. We dont really want this and feel this will upset my partners family. (who are normal)

I am swinging from furious to hurt to confused. I dont know what to do. I imagine we will have to call it off. The thought of having to explain this to our guests. Or am I being wicked to ask mum who isnt great, but equally not terrible to come to my wedding??
I havent spoken to them since. I have nothing to say. Help....

BaronessBomburst Thu 07-Feb-13 11:29:47

Agree that your parents sound very religious, but that makes me even more confused as I would have thought that would make them desperate for you to be married and 'respectable'. So not Christians then?

I presume that you and DP are from backgrounds that are not supposed to mix?

Just get married! It's about you, not them. confused

DuchessFanny Thu 07-Feb-13 11:31:49

Have they ever said why they are so against you being married ? They were ok with your other commitments ( living together, having children) ...

I'd get married, it's what you both want and you children and non - bonkers family can join you in your happy day.

Sorry your parents aren't great ( i have a on-off mum and it can be wearing !) don't let it dictate how you live your life though x good luck !

ElephantsAndMiasmas Thu 07-Feb-13 11:36:24

I'm very sorry to say this part made me laugh: "We dont really want this and feel this will upset my partners family (who are normal)" but only because it's so true and you obviously have a perspective on just how bonkers your parents are being.

On the gloomy side, imagine if something happened to you and you were in hospital - your partner wouldn't even be your next of kin, your parents would. Because of their selfish and incomprehensible behaviour.

You want to get married, your partner wants to, it's a thing that will be happy and moreover will protect all six of you! Just do it. Why would you cancel now? It's time to take a stand and realise you can't control other people's behaviour, only the way you respond to it.

good luck and please let us know and see the wedding photos smile

lotsofboats Thu 07-Feb-13 11:43:17

Thank you all so much ! Just got back from preschool run.
No cultural issues, but FellatioNels0n may have something. My family is tiny, but a lot of that is through mother not wanting anything to do with my dads family. He seems to accept this no questions. so really its just me, dad and my uncle on my side of the family. Mum hates her nieces because they dont work!? ( but I think she is jealous of my uncle having a family other than herself.. Idk)

My partners family are a bit wealthy but fairly down to earth, and there is quite a lot of them. I dont imagine many will be able to make the wedding as they are busy working and this is very low key but we would invite them.

They say they are Christian but all I see is a horrible judgemental attitude.

It does sound totally bonkers I know smile I think we will plod on without them. I imagined dad might walk me down the isle but I guess at my age it wont look out of place if I go down with my dc's.

I just dont know what to say, as people will all ask if I have any family!? I wouldnt want to embarrass dp or to have gossiping about it. Its so bloody mad..sad

EasilyBored Thu 07-Feb-13 11:45:31

Just say 'yes, but they aren't very supportive I'm so glad to have DH and his family in my life'. I think you might be surprised at how many people make it to your wedding. Good luck, I hope you have a great day!

Hullygully Thu 07-Feb-13 11:45:40

please tell me what an "evil party spirit" is though

FellatioNels0n Thu 07-Feb-13 11:48:14

Ah, you see? <nods smugly> My spidey sense is so finely honed I amazed myself sometimes.

WileyRoadRunner Thu 07-Feb-13 11:49:01

Then I think you just need to plan your wedding, tell your parents when it is and ask your dad to walk you down the aisle.

It is their choice then whether they have any part in it. It would be awful for you if they don't but at least you gave them the opportunity.

But be fully prepared to go ahead and do want you and your partner want to without them if need be.

FellatioNels0n Thu 07-Feb-13 11:49:38

So, in a nutshell, 'mother' is a bit of a bonkers control freak then.

lotsofboats Thu 07-Feb-13 11:49:53

As for living together they decree we are married in gods eyes already, and its not necessary. but understand why we want to marry but only would support it in a way that is acceptable to them I guess. A way in that they dont have to be seen or speak to people.
Wow feels good to get it off my chest!!

DuchessFanny Thu 07-Feb-13 11:50:30

<<wishes she had spidey sense>>

DuchessFanny Thu 07-Feb-13 11:52:08

And yes OP you are right, not at all out of place to have your DC walk you down the aisle, in fact i think it's rather lovely !!

do it , do it, doooo iiitttt !

FellatioNels0n Thu 07-Feb-13 11:53:18

Recognise anyone?

Sorry OP, only joking, but she is exactly who sprang to mind when you said 'evil party spirit.' shock

FellatioNels0n Thu 07-Feb-13 11:53:37

and now I've got dirty pillows in my head. confused

lotsofboats Thu 07-Feb-13 11:57:57

Yes I think your right again, I have been living with a mad control freak in my life so long I accomadate the behaviour. It has to stop.

I am not sure about the party spirit...I think she means I am evil or have evil in me for wanting a wedding reception!?
I have lots of friends and do sometimes go out, get drunk etc - Nothing terrible but that is judged , and they are refered too sneeringly as my fffffffriends. Ha!

This has been really helpful, Thank you!
Time fo me to grow a pair!!!!

lotsofboats Thu 07-Feb-13 12:00:22

Oh god!! Hide the knives! grin

BaronessBomburst Thu 07-Feb-13 12:02:50

but understand why we want to marry but only would support it in a way that is acceptable to them I guess. A way in that they dont have to be seen or speak to people.

Then don't invite them. Then you'll be getting married in a way where they wouldn't have to be seen or speak to people. grin

It's your wedding not your mother's. It doesn't have to be acceptable to her.

ENormaSnob Thu 07-Feb-13 12:03:12

Dear god your mum is full blown nuts shock

I hope she doesn't say that kind of shit in front of your dc?

Oh, and ime, it's vodka that's an evil party spirit.

PureQuintessence Thu 07-Feb-13 12:06:16

You are approaching 40, have 4 kids with your long term partner, and your mum has told you not to get married so you havent? hmm

Do you live in your mums apron pocket? Seriously grow a spine, a backbone, and some nice Amaryllis for your wedding!

DoIgetastickerforthat Thu 07-Feb-13 12:06:28

Have the wedding and a good old knees up afterwards and just lie to everybody and tell them your parents have gastric flu but didn't want you to cancel. Blushes saved and everyone happy <contemplates own evil spirit>.

lotsofboats Thu 07-Feb-13 12:12:46

I am glad that the general concenous is that she is mad - trust me, having it in my life (and this is only the latest in a long long line of things) I begin to question myself lots and think I am mad or bad. I feel bad for mentioning this all to her with her thyroid problems and perhaps she genuinly isnt up to it, but its all wrapped up in the other crazy stuff. I've gone Gah gah confused

ENormaSnob, she doesnt really like children, so they dont see much of her. occasional babysitting (daytime only) if I am really desperate.

lotsofboats Thu 07-Feb-13 12:17:11

PureQuintessence - Your totally right! and I am embarrassed - I am (unsurprisingly) quite shy, and cowardly. but I know I probably need to walk away for good here. Its a destructive relationship smile

attheendoftheday Thu 07-Feb-13 12:20:29

They sound unhinged. Don't call the wedding off. Do you have to invite them?

lotsofboats Thu 07-Feb-13 12:22:03

attheendoftheday - I seriously wish I hadnt!! But then that would have been wrong too I imagine..

FellatioNels0n Thu 07-Feb-13 12:28:49

She sounds toxic. I think that word gets woefully over-used on MN but in this instance I think it is probably appropriate.

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