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AIBU or is my daughter?

(178 Posts)
Regbooboo Thu 07-Feb-13 00:27:28

DD has a very heavy cold and is feeling rough. Grandson aged 9 months is also poorly with a cold. DD expects me to go to hers and look after the baby while she is feeling crook and I would be happy to do this but a I have a dog who isn't used to being on his own for long periods.

My DD lives approx a 1.5 hours journey from me ( by train and bus). I would need to leave home at 8 to get there for 9.30 and leave again at 1 to get home for 2.30 leaving the dog for 6.5 hours. My son-in-law gets home around 5. I asked why he couldn't have a few days from work but she said he wouldn't get paid if he rang in sick and only has 20 days holiday per year.

She was being quite arsey on the phone and said I put the dog before her and GS. I am really not I love them both to bits. I said if she could manage to drive over she could go to bed here and I would care for DS but she said she felt too ill. She out the phone down on me without saying love you like always and I feel really bad. AIBU and should I just leave the dog? My husband would be mad if I left the dog (he and my daughter don't get on - he's her stepdad) and I do realise I am pathetic.

HecateWhoopass Thu 07-Feb-13 08:40:07

I'd take the dog or ask a friend who lived near me to help me. I understand that a dog can't really be left all day, but your daughter's feeling like death warmed over and she wanted your help for a few hours. If there was any way at all to make that happen, I would.

charlottehere Thu 07-Feb-13 08:48:02

Oh FGS she has a cold, tell her to get on with it harsh

MikeOxardAndWellard Thu 07-Feb-13 08:49:09

Yanbu to say no because the travelling is too much, you dont think she is ill enough or really needs you.

Yab vvvvvvvvv U to say no if it's because you think the dog needs you more than she does, if she feels too poorly to cope with baby. Yabu if you are reluctant to go because of your husband's reaction.

charlottehere Thu 07-Feb-13 08:52:00

Sorry ignore my stupid answer, I'm not feeling well myself and projecting.

CazM2012 Thu 07-Feb-13 08:52:36

This is how it started with my mums last boyfriend, I was I'll whilst pregnant and she wasn't allowed over as in his words "she got into this mess" it ended up with him trying to ban her from my daughters birth and calling every 10 minutes when she visited as he didn't want her here. It almost ruined our relationship for good. Is this a one off? Or does he stop you going over a lot? I know if I needed it now my mum would be there, even if it was a cold because once she got rid of him she saw how much his moods affected her decisions!

diddl Thu 07-Feb-13 08:55:10

I think without knowing the people involved, it´s a hard one to call though-obviously!

OP might always being saying no because of the dog.

Op might always be saying no because she doesn´t want to help & is blaming the poor dog!

Daughter might have a habit of making things out to be worse than they are & OP has had enough.

Daughter might be entitled/ungrateful.


Catchingmockingbirds Thu 07-Feb-13 08:56:46

Not wanting to leave you're dog alone is a rubbish excuse IMO, but needing someone to look after y

Catchingmockingbirds Thu 07-Feb-13 08:57:43

**Not wanting to leave you're dog alone is a rubbish excuse IMO, but needing someone to look after you and your son because you've got a cold is even worse. Yanbu.

2rebecca Thu 07-Feb-13 09:03:52

If the daughter and her baby have bad viral infections then I think the the daughter is being rather selfish draggiing a well granny round to look after them. Kids with bad colds cry and sleep alot, not sure what granny is expected to do here. Put the baby in the same room as the mum and they can both be miserable together. Take paracetamol and regular fluids.

I agree that the OP being reluctant to leave the dog because her husband will get upset about it is reason for concern. Women shouldn't be scared of their husbands. If this was an emergency I'd hope she would stick the dog in a kennel for the day of get her husband to look after it rather than say no. This isn't an emergency though it's just the sort of thing that happens to most families a couple of times a year. Spreading the germs and misery is just mean. If the daughter had 3 kids some of whom were uninfected and charging round the house energetically I could see the need for granny (or husband that's what annual leave is for) but not for one immobile baby thathas the same virus as the mum and can just be snuggled up next to her.

LolaDontCryOverSpiltEggnog Thu 07-Feb-13 09:06:32

If my mum left her dog alone for that long her house would be a wreck, she takes the dog with her or doesn't go, she went to my sisters (after much pressure) and the dog managed to get out of the kitchen and rip open the sofa and pull up the carpets. And it's all very well saying "why can't your husband look after the dog" maybe he is you know at work like the daughters partner and not willing to take the day off work to look after a dog, like the partner won't take a day off to look after his child.

LtEveDallas Thu 07-Feb-13 09:14:52

And it's all very well saying "why can't your husband look after the dog" maybe he is you know at work like the daughters partner and not willing to take the day off work to look after a dog, like the partner won't take a day off to look after his child

Very good point indeed.

2rebecca Thu 07-Feb-13 09:17:43

It's a joint dog though, why should the partner who doesn't work never be able to go anywhere because she is tied to a dog?
This is why I'd never want a tying animal like a dog, it's like having a toddler again but at least toddlers grow up.

fascicle Thu 07-Feb-13 09:23:19

A three hour round trip is a big ask, even if you didn't have a dog you were reluctant to leave. I think your daughter's expectations - that you should help, rather than you might - are unreasonable.

LtEveDallas Thu 07-Feb-13 09:26:53

Is it though Rebecca? My house is currently overrun with animals. My husband, whilst not cruel, is not the animal lover I am. I volunteer at a local rescue and take on emergency foster care when they can't get anyone else - sometimes the foster animal stays (I'm a bad foster mum blush). DH sighs and puts up with it, as long as I am the one that does all the caring.

Maybe DH in this case never wanted a dog, but OP got one anyway?

meboo Thu 07-Feb-13 09:32:35

No one is mentioning husband here. Why can't he drive his wife and child to the mothers and leave them there and get them when she is feeling better. Seems an all round solution. If he does it after work then he has no time off either.

diddl Thu 07-Feb-13 09:33:49

So-it´s not that the dog can´t be left-but that husband would be crossshock?

So what would he do, OP?

Really, it´s up to you.

But I can´t see that it´s acceptable for the daughter to rubbish her own mum for not going over when the child´s own father cba either!

Is this really about the daughter being pissed off that in general OPs husband comes before her?

2rebecca Thu 07-Feb-13 09:39:40

The OP said her husband would "be mad" if she left the dog though which seems an OTT reaction to me.
Spending 3 hours travelling just to have 3 1/2 hours looking after a baby that may well be asleep for most of that is just silly however.
It sounds as though the OP needs to accept that by having a dog she can never leave she has to some extent prioritised the dog over other aspects of her life, many dog owners do this though.
I like animals, but I like them to be free and in the wild, I don't like animals as my dependents.

LoopsInHoops Thu 07-Feb-13 09:42:01

My mum came and did this for me twice, similar journey, but only when DH and I both had norovirus. For a cold it seems a bit silly, but the dog thing is a red erring IMO. It's a dog. Do you never go out? Ever?

Where do people get these mental dogs? And why?

pictish Thu 07-Feb-13 09:51:02

I suspect that the OP is scared to defy her husband. No one in their right mind refuses to help out for a day because of a dog.

Katnisscupcake Thu 07-Feb-13 09:51:21


It is a COLD!!! My Mum lives about 4 miles away. I would never consider calling her to come and look after her GD because we both had A COLD!!

For a start, as someone else has said, I wouldn't want to pass it on to her and really if you can't cope with a cold, I would be very worried how you would cope with D&V going through the household or something similarly horrid in the future. Unfortunately, as much as colds are horrid, you can dose yourself up, snuggle down and just doze when baby dozes.

For those of you that don't 'understand dog-people' dogs are part of the family. Even more so if your DC have flown the nest (or maybe not in the case of this person hmm). Dogs cannot always be left for long periods of time. Depends on what they're used to. If you are with a dog for most of the time and then suddenly leave them for 8 hours, there would almost certainly be a 'mess' when you get back (toilet related) and the dog could get really really distressed. If they have been regularly left for long periods, they may be more used to it but I don't think it's the case with this situation.

LtEveDallas Thu 07-Feb-13 09:53:10

IMO, and that of the Rescues, dogs shouldn't be left for more than 3 hours at a time. They get bored, destructive, nervous and needy etc. A nervous dog can become a snappy dog in the blink of an eye. That's being a bad owner. Dog will also need the loo at least once during those 6 hours, so unless OP want to come home to puddles (or worse), someone needs to be around to do that alone.

I'm not going to diss the OP for not leaving her dog alone for 6 hours when that actually makes her a good owner.

Whorulestheroost Thu 07-Feb-13 09:53:33

Yabu! My mum would be there no questions asked. I would also be there like a shot for my dd. yes you are putting the dog first!!

KenLeeeeeee Thu 07-Feb-13 09:55:12

Ignoring the posts relating to background story of the daughter's behaviour and taking this purely at face value, I think YABU.

Sorry, but refusing to go because of the dog and because you're worried about making your husband angry is awful.

Why can't you take the dog with you?
Why would you allow your husband to limit your contact with your daughter?

A boyfriend of my mum's tried to do this with us. I was pregnant and very ill, he banned me from their house (which was actually her house, where I had grown up) and text her constantly throughout the day if she visited me asking when she was coming home. Fortunately she booted him out before long and the man she's married to now has happily driven her on a 6 hour round trip so she could come over & help out at other times I've been ill.

pictish Thu 07-Feb-13 09:55:20

Still don't know why the OP can't just take the dog along too.

tabulahrasa Thu 07-Feb-13 09:57:04

I got my mental dog from a pound, because he was mostly lovely.

Mine was as bad as he was because of his history - he was picked up as a stray at about 8 weeks old, rehomed, they brought him back at about 16 weeks because he'd grown too big and then he was in kennels at the pound for nearly 3 months before I took him. It took about 18 months of work before he stopped trying to eat his way out of the house when left alone - but then for the next 11 years he was great and well worth having to be cautious about leaving him for a while.

Most dogs aren't that extreme, but they prefer company and you have to get them used to being left, not just vanish and hope for the best. You need to build up to it a bit.

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