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To tell DP he's invited to the wedding but I don't think he should go?

(34 Posts)
FacebookInvestigator Wed 06-Feb-13 15:30:26

DP has met my family and friends. I have met most of his family but none of his friends (he's introduced me when passing but that's it). If ever he gets invited to anything, he never invites me along.

We've now been together just under a year (about 10 months to be exact) and I have been invited to a wedding. He is also invited as my "other half".

However, I'm a little sick of him always having the pleasure of being 100% involved in my life yet never inviting me into his so AIBU to tell him that despite being invited, I don't actually want him to go as he wouldn't take me along in similar circumstances? Or is it childish/petty?

Wow, how many times can I say family and friends?

Note to self, stop doing two things at once.

Dp was reluctant about introducing me to his family and friends.

Not because he was ashamed of me, or trying to hide me, but because his ex had hated his family and friends and stopped him from going to family and friends.

I insisted we meet, and what do you know? They're all really lovely people. Not a one I don't like. Dp was so visibly relieved and now we have lots of contact with them whenever we can.

So it could be them and not you IYSWIM.

Pandemoniaa Wed 06-Feb-13 17:52:42

and he is entitled to go out with his mates without having to drag me along

If you are his partner then it's not a question of dragging you along. You don't have to live in each other's pockets but it's a singularly uncommitted relationship if you even think that it will be such an imposition for you to meet his friends. Red flag territory, I'm afraid.

As to your question, YABU to refuse to take him to the wedding in order to pay him out for being excluded from the wedding he went too since two wrongs will never make a right. But I'd be inclined not to take him for the simple reason that I see little future for you if he plans to keep his life in such separate compartments.

Numberlock Wed 06-Feb-13 17:15:32

He's just not that into you. (To quote a cliché, sorry). I'm sure he enjoys having female company, a woman in his life, regular sex etc but that's all it is for him; he doesn't see it as a serious, long-term relationship.

This could be fine if you just want casual dating but if you want more, he's never going to offer it.

SolidGoldBrass Wed 06-Feb-13 17:01:46

I think it is possible that there is a woman in his social circle who is either his XGF or has a massive crush on him, and his other friends are loyal to her, not you. This doesn't necessarily make him a villain: bear in mind that it can be annoying to old friends than to have someone inflicting a new partner on a close social group and insisting the person be accepted. And prioritizing friends over a relatively new partner is a healthy way to act.

Mind you, you've mentioned two specific incidents - a wedding at which he may well not have had a plus-one (there are billions of threads on MN about people worrying about inviting/not wanting to invite friends' new partners to weddings); and the NewYear thing when he might have thought that NYE at his parents would be no fun for either of you (because it would have been one sweet sherry in front of the telly all night/his family go in for raucous drinking games and fisticuffs and he's embarrassed by them).

I think you should have a proper chat with him.

soontobeburns Wed 06-Feb-13 16:40:51

I have been engaged to my fiance for over 3 years and I feel the same.

He pratically lived at mine (I live with my DM) and has been on holiday etc with my mum and grandparents, will be my step dads best man etc yet im never invited to his families gatherings.

But.. this is not his fault. While his parents like me they just dont think about me. I have seen them maybe 6 times. Whenever there is a party etc im never invited. I have been there when my DP asks if I can come but its always a no.

To them until we are married I doubt things will change its just how they are. I suspect they think its a fling even though its nearly 3and a half years later.

It really upsets me and pisses me off but I csnr do anything about it.

Talk to your DP about it dont just assume he doesnt wabt you around im sure therr are other reasons.

DaveMccave Wed 06-Feb-13 16:22:37

Did he definitely get a plus one to the wedding he didn't invite you too? I felt really awkward when invited to a wedding and wasn't given a plus one, after do had invited me to one of his friends. But I knew it was rude I ask the friend. In the end, the friend invited him so it was ok but you haven't given us the full story here. You do sound unreasonable, I understand you wanting a night out without him but it seems more like tit for tat.

MrsKeithRichards Wed 06-Feb-13 16:12:38

Here's an idea, it's a bit radical so please, do bear with me.

Talk to him.

Startail Wed 06-Feb-13 16:10:37

I'd LTB, phrases liked dragged along just don't sit with me in the context of a longterm relationship.

WhereYouLeftIt Wed 06-Feb-13 16:07:32

I find it very very strange that after 10 months you have met none of his friends; I would want to have a conversation about why that is. I wouldn't even mention the wedding invitation, until I was sure I actually wanted this man to be in my life at all, given that I feature so little in his.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Wed 06-Feb-13 15:55:27

If I were you I'd try and get to the bottom of this before any more time elapses and you invest more in this relationship.

Oh, and take him as your plus 1 and make sure everyone gets lots of snaps and wait for it to all go on Facebook. Then sit back and wait and see if there's a storm of protest from Another Woman.

CartedOff Wed 06-Feb-13 15:50:36

If it's causing such resentment that you want to stop inviting him to things in order to get back at him then now is the time to talk about it and ask why you have never met his friends. I think it's really rude for him to integrate himself into your life and enjoy all of the events you go to and friends you have, but you get nothing in return.

well, depends on how much you want him there tbh helpful

Crinkle77 Wed 06-Feb-13 15:49:35

Maybe with the wedding his invitiation did not include a plus 1? And maybe he wanted to have you all to himself for your first new year

nefertarii Wed 06-Feb-13 15:45:04

Really childish. Ridiculous, in fact. Sorry.

It won't resolve the issue.
It will only confirm to him that its ok to exclude you.
You will still be pissed off.

Why not discuss the issue like people in an adult relationship?

SanityClause Wed 06-Feb-13 15:42:00

And "sounds that committed", FFS!

hellsbellsmelons Wed 06-Feb-13 15:41:50

Wow - loads of posts today that I could have written except mine has been almost 2 years!!! Never met any of his family or closer friends!
We are having a 'chat' tonight to try to bottom things out.
I would suggest you do the same.
I have loads of notes to go through with him.
Write down your thoughts and talk them through.

SanityClause Wed 06-Feb-13 15:41:11

Honk? Think!

SanityClause Wed 06-Feb-13 15:40:51

Perhaps take the opportunity to talk to him about why he doesn't take you along to his social events.

If he wouldn't invite you to a wedding as a "plus one", I don't honk he sound that omitted to your relationship, TBH.

deleted203 Wed 06-Feb-13 15:39:54

I think I'd be pretty concerned where this relationship was going, in your shoes. It strikes me as odd that 10 months into a relationship you don't socialise as a couple (or at least not with his friends), and that if he's invited to stuff he goes as a single man.

By all means go along to the wedding on your own if you wish to. But I think you probably need to accept at that point, if you do so, that you and he are not really in a relationship together. It sounds like you are casually seeing each other rather than committed to any kind of partnership.

annielouisa Wed 06-Feb-13 15:38:36

Are the events things with his friends? I wonder if there is an ex girl friend who is part of the social circle and friends are just not inviting you as his plus one out of respect. I am not for one minute calling you the OW just wondering.

Omnishambolic Wed 06-Feb-13 15:37:59

The wedding - was he given a plus one and decided against using it, or are you actually complaining that you weren't invited by the bride and groom?

The NY thing - maybe he didn't particularly want to see his family, is he close to them?

NorthernLurker Wed 06-Feb-13 15:37:03

Well this is just daft. He is excluding you from an important part of his life and you think it will help if you exclude him from part of yours? hmm

Talk to him, tell him you would like him to come with you and you would be willing to go to things on his 'side' - so why isn't he including you?

Cluffyfunt Wed 06-Feb-13 15:35:57

I would have a chat about it with him.

Tell him about the invite and explain how it makes you feel.
You're unhappy with the way your relationship is now. Is he willing to change it or lose you?

Lifes too short to be unhappy.

FacebookInvestigator Wed 06-Feb-13 15:35:36

Well on his work nights outs I can kind of understand why he doesn't invite me and he is entitled to go out with his mates without having to drag me along - totally understand that. But he's been invited to a wedding which he didn't invite me to and there was a family do at new year which he decided not to go to as he'd arranged to spend it with me. My suggestion of us BOTH going was quickly rubbished.

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