Pissed off with my husband AIBU??

[Flossiecombover]

We're all supposed to be out for my best friends birthday and I just don't look forward to going out with everyone as a group.It starts off fine but once the alcohol kicks in,it goes downhill from there.He changes and acts like a stranger.He will be the very last one standing and if I'm not there he wouldn't make it home I.e will drink and drink until he is incapable of talking/walking.Then when we do get home I'm on toilet duty to make sure he gets to it safely and not in the corner of the room.Our night inevitably ends up in an argument where I'm begging him to come home with me.I would like to just leave him where he is but I don't know what sort of trouble he'd get himself into.I suggested to him that I go on my own and just have a night out with my friend and enjoy myself properly.He was not happy and said he knew that I was going to suggest that and said we should just go out for a meal ourselves.I would like a night out on my own though.Other than this he is a great father,we are not getting on well though lately and I'm feeling down about the whole situation.This is my first post and I hope you can help put things into perspective for me.

[CailinDana]

Why is he insisting on coming along on your best friend's birthday?

When he behaves the way he does (gets paralytic) what does he say the next day?

[VoiceofUnreason]

How old is this 'man'?

There comes a time when getting that pissed is just immature and irresponsible (although, personally, I never got to that state - just don't see the point). Even more so if you are married and a parent. You can't continue to do what the hell you like without taking into account how your behaviour affects your partner (and, potentially, kids).

I don't like the fact that he doesn't want you going to your best friend's birthday celebration without him and suggests the two of you do something on your own instead. Smacks of controlling behaviour to me.

[WhoWhatWhereWhen]

He doesn't need to stop drinking because he's got you to look after him when he's blind drunk, tell him before hand you wont be looking after him and if he cant get himself home and ends up in a cell for the night then that's his problem.

On a side note it is time pubs stopped serving people when they are obviously so drunk as your husband gets.

[puds11isNAUGHTYnotNAICE]

Its always a worry when people have to state how their partner 'is a great dad' etc.

Why does he want to go?

Also why does a grown man need to get so drunk? I like to out for a drink, but never get so drunk I cannot walk or take myself to the bathroom.

[PomBearWithAnOFRS]

My exH was the same Flossie - I well remember that awful feeling of dread when we went anywhere together, and the impending "when is he going to show me up/turn nasty/embarass me in front of our friends" that spoiled the night.
My ex was an alcoholic though, and is now my ex - in the end I couldn't put up with it any more, not just the ruining of our social life and the spoiling of my friendships, but everything else that went with his alcoholism (including violence)
If he can't or won't see that his behaviour when he's had a drink is a problem, then you have to decide just what you are prepared to put up with, or if you will ever go out with him again, and what to say to him about it all.
I tried to get my ex to stop by not drinking myself, but it made no difference.

[Hullygully]

he's a bit horrid

lock him in a cupboard and go out

[puds11isNAUGHTYnotNAICE]

naughty Hully

[worldgonecrazy]

Does he believe his behaviour is acceptable? There is a huge difference between getting a little bit drunk and maybe needing a bit of help to get home, and being so pissed that you're unable to use a toilet. If your husband can't see this then he needs help.

As for suggesting you go out for a meal together, instead of celebrating your friend's birthday, that just feels odd and a bit controlling. How can you and him eating a meal be celebrating your friend's birthday if she's not there?

[Flossiecombover]

We are supposed to be going out as a big group with partners and husbands in tow.He is usually the kindest,caring husband and is happy for me to go out on my own.Money is extremely tight though lately and we have 3 children so its not something we do very often.He has been down lately and I know would love a good night out to let off steam but I know what this inevitably leads to.He gets so drunk I can barely even look at him.The kind sensitive person I know disappears and he just turns into a complete arsehole.This is how he has always been and I am under no illusions that he can change his behaviour now.He has given up in the past but I know it isn't reasonable to demand that he gives up now.He needs to do that himself and I suppose I just get on with it as he is such a good husband and father.It sometimes leaves me cold though.He is 38 btw.

[Whocansay]

Tell him you want a night out with your friends on your own. Tell him he's a bad drunk and you refuse to be his babysitter. ?You do not have to be responsible for him.

And he can fuck off with his 'let's go for dinner' instead. You can do that another time if he really wants to. You're allowed to see your friends and he has no business trying to stop you. It sounds like he's trying to sabotage your night out.

[ChaoticisasChaoticdoes]

Hully

YANBU Why shouldn't you go out by yourself for your friend's birthday?

Next time you go out with him go home by yourself and leave him to get himself home. If he ends up spending the night in the gutter police cells because he's got into a fight then it might just be the wake up call he needs to realise he has a drink problem and he does have one if he can't go out without getting paralytic.

He sounds extremely selfish to me. I bet he spends the next day in bed as well, leaving you to do all the childcare.

[Locketjuice]

Just tell him outright 'no'

[lollilou]

Could you buy his drinks all night and make sure they are all alchohol free lagers?

[DonkeysDontRideBicycles]

This doesn't sound right, you are apprehensive already and sounds like it's become a habit. Whether it's this occasion or the next, you shouldn't have to put up with that behaviour. Does he put away pints because he thinks that's what men do, is he the life and soul of the party when he gets drunk or does he get more maudlin? Does he justify it to you later as 'deserving some fun'? Is it 'just' at weekends, is he fit to work or drive next day? Has his drinking 'socially' always been a problem like this or is it relatively recent?

Sorry to bombard you with questions. Whether or not you have children together he shouldn't get into a state where he can't even make it to the bathroom in his own home.

[Whocansay]

If he manages to manipulate you into letting him come with you and the inevitable happens, wait until he goes to the loo and ditch him. You don't have to put up with it and I imagine your friends are not happy with this scenario either.

[diddl]

If money´s tight-doesn´t he need to stay in & look after the children??

Jesus-it´s your friend & he´s a bloody embarrassment by the sounds of things.

Doesn´t seem like a good anything to me!

[Xenia]

If you are short of money and he is fed up there is no better time ever for him to stop drinking entirely. It would save money and alcohol is a depressant so is hardly likely to make him happy.
If he wants to get drunk he can stay at home drinking alone.
You could say if he will claim to be driving and drink water you will go with him. if not then you will go and stay only until 10pm or 11 or whatever. If he wants to go home with you then that's fine. If later then he will need to find another way home.

Then leave him to find his way. You are not his mother and he's an adult. If he knows you will not bail him out then he may be more responsible.

If you end up home first just go to sleep and do not speak to him until morning even if he wakes you up when he comes home.

[prettybird]

If money is tight, how can he afford to get so drunk?

Why don't you go on your own to your best friend's birthday bash and then, with the money your dh would have spent on booze, have a wee night out on another occasion for just the two of you.

Somehow I don't see him agreeing to this

[Flossiecombover]

Chaotic that is exactly what will happen.We have two childrens parties to attend and I know that if we both go out it will be down to me to get them there and he will be too ill to go anywhere.Whereas if I go out on my own I will be back at a reasonable hour-a little pissed and hungover admittedly.He could then take them but I would feel guilty for going out,spending money on a night out on my own and then he is spending his saturday ferrying the kids around.I feel as though I can't win.

Reading this back I can see that I am not being unreasonable but when you're in the thick of it it is so hard to see the situation as it really is

[DonkeysDontRideBicycles]

For some reason took a while to post so big x-post!

"This is how he's always been" No, it isn't too late for him to change his behaviour, you're right he has to want to. In the meantime you don't have to tolerate it. Letting off steam is one thing, getting into that state another. Money is tight, he has 3 DCs and a loving wife but apparently that doesn't stop him being an arsehole. Why would he if you toddle home with him and be on toilet duty.

My worry would be, what if the gaps between getting paralytic shorten and he starts drinking at home not just on nights out.

[VoiceofUnreason]

"It's not reasonable to demand that he gives up now"

Actually, OP, yes it is. Just because you've always known he does this from time to time (and you enable him to continue it to some extent because you make sure he gets home, and does the toilet duty) doesn't mean you can't get to a point where you say "I've had enough of this, I don't have to live like this!"

Do you want your child/children to see their dad in that state every now and again when they get older? You say he turns into a "complete arsehole" and that his behaviour "leaves you cold" yet you regard him thinking he can behave like this and make you feel uncomfortable on at least an occasional (if not regular) basis makes him a good husband?

My dad very rarely drank more than two pints on a night out. One night at his brother's 40th he had a little too much cider. He wasn't rude or unpleasant. I had just passed my driving test, got my first car, and drove my parents home. I was worried he was going to throw up in it! He got home and spent most of the night in the loo, with mum doing toilet duty for the first time in over 20 years. I kept hearing him throw up. He's never touched a drop since.

[penelopepissstop]

You have my sympathy - my DH doesn't go out that often but when he does he's an idiot. He's got better over the years and he generally behaves better if I'm out. In your situation I would just go without him. He needs to truly understand the misery he causes you and you deserve to enjoy yourself without him being a liability in the background. Don't feel guilty, just do it. It's one night. He must go on nights out without you? Good luck - I know there's nothing worse than seeing a normally good bloke obliterated because he doesn't have an off switch. It's even worse when it's your hubby!

[Xenia]

Why would an adult expect a spouse to do toilet duty? I've never heard of that in my life. Why would anyone do it? It seems weird. Why facilitate the wrong doings of others? I am sure there is a psychological concept of enabling and helping a person with a problem/addiction to continue in it - co-dependence is perhaps the word. I think you make him worse by in a sense allowing what most wives would not allow.

[Flossiecombover]

He wouldn't 'expect' me to do it.Its either go and manoeuvre him towards the toilet or wake up to a wet patch of carpet or sodden curtain.He has no recollection of it in the morning.I have spoken to others and it is not as uncommon as you think.Still awful though.

We both come from families where alcohol abuse is the norm.Perhaps I am enabling his behaviour but I don't know what else to do.

[diddl]

He may not expect it, but he doesn´t bother to stop getting so drunk so as to save you the bother, does he?

I never saw my parents drunk & our children have never seen us drunk.

Maybe a bit giggly!

I just don´t see the point of all that money spent & then you can´t even remember if you had a good time the next day. or if you were a complete arse