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To not like it when children always want food off other people?

(165 Posts)
CrapBag Tue 05-Feb-13 18:30:57

I admit I have a real pet hate about this. It grates on me big time.

I was brought up to think that it is rude to go asking other people for food. If my children tried it I would stop them as I think it is awful, however they don't seem to do it anyway.

I have a friend whose children always seem to be wanting food. She does feed them, and a decent diet, with treats etc but the second there is food around, there they are wanting some and she never ever tells them to stop. They will stand there right in front of you whilst you are eating and the youngest will just have her hand out. Luckily they know me and the minute the youngest tries, she stops looks and me then walks off as she knows I won't give her some of mine or my DDs lunch etc.

A little while ago I had some cake and the eldest kept on and on. I said it wasn't time for cake yet, she didn't let up. DH also said she was doing the same to him. The other children there weren't. When I did do it and gave it out, the mum then sent her DD in to ask me where hers was (cake really was for the children) I did make a comment of "thats where they get it from then"

I am known for not sharing my food, my friends do tend to make a joke of it (but I have deep rooted reasons going to back to being starved as a young child and I have never liked sharing my food) I also don't think that I should force my children to share their meals either.

So is it me or is this rude?

sudaname Wed 06-Feb-13 23:26:13

I find this approach works with most children, much better than being a passive aggressive twat would anyway

Truly ironic use of the phrase 'passive agressive' there.

Yeah l am really gonna go through all that 'what's the magic word ?' routine and get him to ask me again properly and then say 'no you cant have one, because they are for somebody else and/or you have just had two lots of treats.'

Yeah that would be much kinder to build him up like that than just saying 'no' along with a reason and wouldnt be taunting him at all hmm.

Misty9 Wed 06-Feb-13 22:29:37

'They' being the children btw

Misty9 Wed 06-Feb-13 22:28:19

OP - YANBU to think that the parents should attempt to reign in such begging behaviour. However, regarding snacks it seems common amongst my friends and I to share whatever we're giving to our own LO with theirs - if practicable (if enough etc).

That said, one child is ALWAYS looking for food and immediately comes over at the merest sniff of food or drink. I know she's well fed and I feel sympathy for her mum as it must get embarrassing.

Wrt the step GP thing, ds has four sets of GPs due to both sides being divorced and remarried. I really hope none of them feel like you do sudaname about being steps sad and I hope I don't engender such feelings. They know no different, GPs are GPs regardless of who is 'blood' related IMO.

sudaname Wed 06-Feb-13 22:24:42

OxfordBags no really if you read my posts l havent , l have admitted l deliberately leave them out because l wont hide everything away quick quick because the child should never have to hear 'No' in any form. I have said l also do this 'around the time they are due to arrive deliberately' as l just wont play this game anymore, as opposed to as is expected in my house to put everything out of sight that DGC cant have. So l suppose in a way l am deliberately defying my DHs wishes, because l dont agree with it. I havent retracted anything, only disputed untruths of waving biscuits about, taking them out of the packet and lining them up temptingly, eating them in front of the child, scolding the child all of which l have never said l did nor indeed ever do.
I am glad we agree on the other 'no boundaries' matter and l would like to thank you for your civility to me even on points we disagree.
I really appreciate that at this moment in time.

OliviaMumsnet (MNHQ) Wed 06-Feb-13 21:58:04

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OxfordBags Wed 06-Feb-13 21:56:37

Sudaname, you have drastically changed your version of what you do with your biscuits (oh god, like I care). Therefore, I can't judge what is true and whether you are BU or not. I do, however, agree that it's ridiculous to hide things and to never set the tiniest boundary for a child.

WandaDoff Wed 06-Feb-13 21:46:44

I have a DSGC & the biscuit conversation tends to go a bit like this in our house.

DGC: Can I have a biscuit

Me: If you ask nicely. What's the magic word?

DGC: Please can I have a biscuit?

Me: Yes of course you can, well done for asking nicely. <hands child biscuit>. Now what do you say?

DGC: Thank you.

Me: Good Girl.


She knows that I don't hand out biscuits without a please, she's not daft & she caught on pretty quickly.

I find this approach works with most children, much better than being a passive aggressive twat would anyway hmm

myfirstkitchen Wed 06-Feb-13 21:37:31

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sudaname Wed 06-Feb-13 21:32:13

Hi Oxfordbags yes l agree my DH is enabling and compounding this behaviour towards him by his grandson. I have frankly given up trying to even speak to him about this, even though the situation does genuinely upset him and that upsets me in turn. He seems to think that even a hint at friendly cajoling his grandson to behave a little more politely would be taken personally by his son and d-i-l and by the little boy himself as a sign somehow he is not glad to see him/them. He is firmly stuck in the mindset that they should never hear even the politest version of 'No' in our house.
Yet the more his grandson ignores him except for making demands the more he humours his demands to win his affection ,.....and from the top and round and round we go !

I'm not bitter about it , as l say l just dont join in any more with this mantra of 'Oh god, quick ,hide this ,hide that or DGchild might want it and they'll be upset then if they cant have it etc etc'

It's funny you should use the word interfere about me in this situation. not knocking you for using it mind because in a way it's right - but that's just it if you are a 'step' anything really isnt it ? You are expected to join in everything from buying presents to cleaning up after a poorly child (all of which l do gladly) without even a murmer in the direction of 'well actually, this isnt really my child/grandchild' and yet when it comes to things concerning behaviour/house rules in your own home all of a sudden you're interfering. So l dont worry about or try at all to change any of their behaviour per se. But neither am l going to support the belief of anybody in my own home that no one is allowed to say no to them here and they dont need to even have any manners either.

sudaname Wed 06-Feb-13 21:31:46

Nope sorry to disapoint myfirstkitchen l most certainly dont stand there stuffing biscuits in my mouth in front of him. I wouldnt do that to anyone, least of all a child. Stop putting words (or biscuits) in my mouth. Also sorry - wrong again - didnt say l did nor do l wave biscuits at anyone - just leave them on the worktop, where yes - shock horror they might be seen.
If anyones waving anything about it's you with your wild accusations.

myfirstkitchen Wed 06-Feb-13 20:51:42

Sudoname you said you deliberately leave them out.

The fact you're trying to back peddle and justify your psychotic and controlling behaviour towards a child which you previously stated on the Internet is something you need to think about. Probably whilst stuffing your face with the biscuits you waved at him earlier.

sudaname Wed 06-Feb-13 20:27:43

OTT l dont chastise him, not at all l just dont let him have any. I used to have to hide everything away, my laptop, my mobile and everything edible even if it was meant for someone else - (I used to do all shopping for my parents, some of which was in our cupboards,fridge temporarily) and the reason l had to hide everything was because otherwise l would have had to say things like 'Sorry no, you cant play piano on my laptop, play on that toy instead' or 'Please no,give me my mobile phone back ' or 'No that packet of biscuits is for my dad, you've got yours there' .DH as l say doesnt like his DGC refused anything So l just used to hide everything away when impending visit.
Personally l wouldnt have done this and dont see anything wrong with saying any of the above to children whatsoever. I think it's important that they learn that not everything is for them - that surely is just as important a lesson in sharing and is the basis of sharing.
Now l just refuse to do any of these things and leave biscuits out on the worktop (our biscuit tin lives there anyway and if a packet wont fit in and l dont particularly want to open it either goes at side of it or in the cupboard) much as my DH would prefer me to hide everything away still and then put it all back out again when DGCs have gone. yes l deliberately refuse to play this game especially when the DGCs are due.
So l neither, open a packet of biscuits and spread them out on a counter (theyre are in a packet or if loose in the biscuit tin,but yes either way visible) nor do l watch him like a hawk - l dont need to - as soon as he spots anything he asks for it anyway as l've said - nor do l chastise him in any way, l simply tell him he cant have any because either he has had enough (just had two treats by now as explained upthread) and/or because they are for someone else.

Posterofapombear Wed 06-Feb-13 20:08:28

Doesn't everyone share snacks at toddler groups?

I just had a glimpse into a horrible world where your friends and their children aren't welcome to share your food hmm

OxfordBags Wed 06-Feb-13 19:01:44

Sudaname, I think your attention should be on tackling your husband to change, if you think his behaviour is causing some of the rudeness you perceive in your SGC. You are expecting a child to behave better than adults - your Oh in being too indulgent, you suffocating under the weight of your very obvious bitterness and wish to interfere.

Shutthebloodydoor - making sure your Dc have lunch instead of going for 6 hrs on only a biscuit is not being perfect. It is the bare minimum required of an adult responsible for children. Just like not using txtspk is the bare minimum required of someone entering an adult debate.

WorriedTeenMum Wed 06-Feb-13 19:00:48


In my view treats should be shared if in a group but I feel that meals are different. I dont think that children should be made to feel that they arent allowed to eat their meal until it has been offered first to others.

Sharing a meal at play group and then later at school might be done if a member of the group has forgotten their meal. That would be a good thing and a nice thing and something you would want to teach your child.

Play groups and schools are a funny social setting as the child is neither host or guest. Parents should teach their children to eat confidently in front of others and also how to behave when others are eating.

However I think that small children have an unerring talent for finding the buttons of strangers and pressing them hard - or is that just me?

CheerfulYank Wed 06-Feb-13 18:38:06

My mom's friend has a nasty little boy (punched people, etc) who stole money from people. When he came over my dad would leave money on the table to see if he'd take it.

OTTMummA Wed 06-Feb-13 18:13:07

Sudaname, from your first post I had the mental picture of you going to the cuboard, taking out some chocolate biscuits and arranging them on a counter/table in clear sight, all the while keeping an eye on them and an ear out for when the children come in, my next guess was you watched him like a hawk and then chastised him when he notices them and goes for them. That's not normal. If had left stuff out because you haven't had time to put things away or were going to use some yourself that would be a natural occurrence. What you are doing is deliberate entrapment. What do you do with the 'goodies' after you tell him off? Eat them? Put them away? Can you not see how weird that is??

LittleAbruzzenBear Wed 06-Feb-13 18:01:33

I agree, sharing is good, but my earlier point was that it is unacceptable to beg others for food, particularly when the DCs in question have their own. My friend's DCs that I mentioned before have even walked over and stuck their fingers in my cake and DS's cake to scoop off the icing because they had eaten theirs. Sorry, think it's rancid! My friend just smiles and says (after the deed is done) 'you don't mind do you' hmm

NTitled Wed 06-Feb-13 17:13:27

Sorry - I misunderstood. I took "I had some cake" to mean the OP was eating it!

In that case, OP, I agree that other people's children nagging you for food is a pain, and their parents ought to tell them to stop it.

valiumredhead Wed 06-Feb-13 17:06:50


Yes as opposed to putting them all out of sight, high up in cupboards etc, l now leave them out

But again. that wasn't what you said originally, you said

I've taken to deliberately leaving chocolate biscuits or similiar around the time they are due to arrive - out on the kitchen worktop and he makes a beeline for them and then l say 'No,you cant,they're not for you

You say you leave them out around the time they are due to arrive

CheerfulYank Wed 06-Feb-13 14:51:20

The OP had cake at her house. She wasn't eating the cake when she said that!

CrapBag Wed 06-Feb-13 14:51:00

Polly I was in the situation for 4 years before my 'mother' buggered off one day leaving me at my nans. SS were involved but not particularly helpful. Why?

CrapBag Wed 06-Feb-13 14:49:04

Haven't read all the latest replies but picking up on a couple of comments I have seen.

I did NOT have ALL the available crisps, I had a few between me and DD, there were piles left on the table. I did NOT take ALL the crisps then deny them to everyone else. Not once did I say that.

The group provides snack to everyone, not dinner for all and sundry. The group is at a slightly inconvenient time, therefore there are some occasions where we need to take our dinner, we are not the only ones who do this.

I did NOT sit and eat cake denying it to others. I had a cake (in the box in the kitchen) for later (birthday). Child (one out of 6) kept asking and I told her we were doing it a bit later. I was NOT sat in my front room, eating cake in front of guests and denying everyone else. FFS give me some credit! hmm

Saltire Wed 06-Feb-13 14:48:43

"A little while ago I had some cake and the eldest kept on and on. I said it wasn't time for cake yet"

Eh? If it wasn't time for cake, why were you eating it?

the OP did say in another post that she had taken the cake to share with everyone but that the child kept on about wanting a bit before it was cut. Hence the reason she told him it wasn't time for cake yet

aldiwhore Wed 06-Feb-13 14:47:15

I'm glad I've never come across this, I'm a sharey person but it would grate on me.

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