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Aibu to hope my dh will cancel his rugby jolly this weekend?

(100 Posts)
3monkeys3 Tue 05-Feb-13 08:40:16

Dh is going to Dublin for the rugby this weekend - it is a work jolly, long organised but not compulsory. They would likely be able to fill his place and it would have no financial impact for us (or the company he works for, as they are the guests rather than hosts) regardless. It is overnight for 2 nights and 3 full days.

I have a horrible chest infection that I am really struggling to get over. I am now on my second course of antibiotics as the first lot haven't cleared it. I am looking after our 3 dc by myself while he is at work and finding it very difficult. Him going away would mean I have pretty much sole care of 3 dc (all under school age) for 2 weeks without any help or a chance to rest - youngest dc still does not sleep through the night. I am feeling a bit sorry for myself. My parents live locally, but usually refuse to come if I'm unwell in fear of catching it themselves.

I wouldn't dream if asking him, but am hoping he'll reach the decision not to go by himself. Is that unreasonable/selfish? He gets plenty if jollies (he is going to away with work in March, so not long to wait till next one) and I feel like I need him.

[OP has been edited by MNHQ to protect user anonymity]

TantrumsAndBalloons Tue 05-Feb-13 14:34:32

I would have thought 2 courses of antibiotics would be spelling it out enough for anyone, male or female?

Its not difficult is it, my OH has been ill, the first lot of ABs didnt work, this must be quite bad. Maybe I had better do something to help?

Id expect my 9 year old ds2 to work that one out by himself.

Bearbehind Tue 05-Feb-13 14:39:25

Any fucker, do you have access to a part of this thread that I don't as you have twice quoted other posts and read far more into them than was actually written.

Firstly about the OP knowing her husbands job was secure before she had said it was and now about spelling things out to men in words of 1 syllable. As far as I can see swornout, was just saying you need to make it clear what you want rather than hoping your husband works it out.

AnyFucker Tue 05-Feb-13 14:41:15

bear you know that stuff you said upthread about something being your own opinion ?


Bearbehind Tue 05-Feb-13 14:43:24

Yes but I was stating an opinion not quoting another's post and adding into it things that weren't actually there, there is a difference.

dreamingbohemian Tue 05-Feb-13 14:46:38

I think if you believe your partner is so stupid he can't work out on his own that you need his help when you have a raging chest infection, then it's not really a stretch to think he might need instructions in monosyllabic form.

AF was paraphrasing, not quoting.

AnyFucker Tue 05-Feb-13 14:51:36

the brackets and the question marks give the clue to the paraphrasing

there is an undercurrent and a whole different level of dialogue to phrases like "how can you expect a man to understand" that I was pointing out there

it's ok not to see it, bear, many people don't

but when I see women being blamed for men's apparent inability to "understand" what is staring them right in the face, I feel it needs pointing out

Bearbehind Tue 05-Feb-13 14:52:39

Jeez, I think I will bow out now as some of you can obviously see things that arent actually written.

AF was hardly paraphrasing if she took what swornout said and told her it was 'a very sexist comment' when what swornout had actually said was not sexist at all. Sometimes you do have to spell things out to others, male or female.

Bearbehind Tue 05-Feb-13 14:55:54

Had to laugh at the 'it's ok not to see it bear, many people don't' now who's being patronising! hmm

AnyFucker Tue 05-Feb-13 14:57:04

for the record, I wasn't directly saying that sowornout had made a sexist comment, and if it looks that way I apologise to her

this mindset of "men can't be expected to make the right decision if women don't point it out to them (ie. it's the woman's fault if she gets treated badly)" is one that I struggle with

Bearbehind Tue 05-Feb-13 15:01:23

Any fucker, I do agree with you on that but I also think you have to be careful how much you read into things. Swornout, as far as I can see was saying her husband would need it pointing out to him and yes, he's a man, but it wasn't sexist. I know many females who need the flaming obvious pointed out to them too grin

MaxPepsi Tue 05-Feb-13 15:07:09

OP - are you going to ask your DH not to go or continue to hope he will decide to stay at home himself?

And if you do decide to ask outright and he says he's still going, what are you going to do then?

AnyFucker Tue 05-Feb-13 15:33:44

the implication from some quarters on this thread (and it is common in RL) are that it is her fault for not making her needs known plainly enough

when any decent bloke would use his eyes, ears and conscience to inform his decision whether or not to go on a non-compulsory work jolly, in this situation

I don't feel I have to be "careful" about pointing that out. Unless I am doing to it to people who think it is just fine to disregard his wife's needs (eg. someone like this bloke's boss)

NotADragonOfSoup Tue 05-Feb-13 15:42:05

A lot depends on whether the OP is putting a brave face on it and seemingly coping fine.

deleted203 Tue 05-Feb-13 16:03:07

Sorry if what I said came across as sexist. It wasn't particularly meant to be. I was just saying that (IMO) some people don't notice the bleeding obvious or it hasn't occurred to them that someone is struggling. My DH is one of them. I think it's a bit simplistic to say 'any decent bloke would use his eyes, ears and conscience to inform his decision whether or not to go' AF. My OH is a perfectly decent bloke - but he appears blind to piles of washing/jobs that need doing. If you actually say, 'Can you take the bins out?' he will cheerfully do so - but it doesn't appear to have occurred to him that the binmen come every week on a Thursday, despite us living here for 10 years. If I were hacking and coughing and struggling on with the kids whilst he was at work he would generally assume I was ok, presuming that if I wanted help I would ask for it. As Dragon says, if I was putting on a brave face and seemingly coping he would assume things were fine. I was, as Bear says really saying that surely it would be better to say, 'I'm not OK. I need your help' rather than hoping he worked it out for himself and then drooping about miserably because he hadn't. DH would actually be pretty pissed off, I think, if I turned round later and said, 'I needed help and you didn't give it'. It would make him feel guilty and I'm pretty sure he'd be thinking, 'Well why the hell didn't you say so then?'. If he wanted help he would ask for it - and he would basically assume that someone else would do the same.

I'm not saying it is OP fault for not making her needs known. Just suggesting that it might be a better option rather than hoping her OH will pick up on the signs.

whateveritakes Tue 05-Feb-13 16:17:40

Right so she asks him and he says "no". That's what the op is asking

Perhaps 3monkeys3 will need a plan B. Can he not buy in some child care for a afternoon or two. Someone must have a nanny/au pair you trust? Got a friend you can bribe?

AllYoursBabooshka Tue 05-Feb-13 16:19:03

A chest infection is a pretty obvious illness (the hacking cough alone is hard to ignore) and she is on her second course of antibiotics.

I can't see how he could be unaware of how bad she must be feeling. She shouldn't have to spell it out to him.

Viviennemary Tue 05-Feb-13 16:23:49

If you can't manage then you should just say so. Not hope he will realise. But if he really wants to go you could try as others have said to make it as easy as possible, get shopping in and so on. And it is only two nights.

MaxPepsi Tue 05-Feb-13 16:37:03

The OP's DH is not unaware she feels like shit - he's already taken time off.

It would appear however that he is unaware that she doesn't want him to go to Dublin this weekend because she hasn't actually told him that.

Pagwatch Tue 05-Feb-13 16:43:08

I have had two lts of anti biotics in the last two months. I have had days when i feel awful and days when I am fine. Dh has had at least a week of work looking after me at my worst and has gone to work later or home earlier to help with the school run half a dozen times too.

He will always bend over backwards if i am ill, as I do with him. But I o have to tell him - and he has to tell me because feeling shit but able to get on with it and feelings shit so need to lie down look very much the same when you are generally a 'get on with it' person.

We have both had days where we have said to the other 'seriously - should you go back to bed' only to have 'actually I look shit but I am not too bad'.

Nothing to do with selfishness or power or indifference. Just communication.

AnyFucker Tue 05-Feb-13 16:58:04

sowornout like I said upthread, my comments were not aimed directly at you and I apologised for that, and I think we shouldn't fall into a beartrap of getting pitted against each other (see what I did there... wink )

I don't like "martyr syndrome" either

of course OP should be clear about what she needs...but she has said herself she is afraid to do so and that is the issue I have already said is the most concerning one here

undercoverhousewife Tue 05-Feb-13 17:05:09

OP You should ask him. Most people like to be needed and to be helpful. Or rather let him know that you are feeling very ill (in case he hasn't noticed) and that you feel frightened at the prospect of 2 full weeks with the DC whilst you are sick. He may have another solution -can't think what, but, if not, then he should volunteer to stay home with you. Of course it's frightening to wonder how you will feel about him if he goes off regardless. But it will have told you something about him and how he values you (and FWIW nothing you have said has made me think that is a likely outcome).

deleted203 Tue 05-Feb-13 17:06:45

grin @ AF. Sorry. Wasn't meaning to have a go at you. Just saying 'decent' blokes can still be thick as pig shit at times! (Mine for one!).

Agree absolutely that being afraid to ask for help is a major concern.

AnyFucker Tue 05-Feb-13 17:09:35

Absolutely no worries at all, Soworn. OP hasn't been on for a while. Hope she is ok.

grovel Tue 05-Feb-13 17:19:54

This is not going to be popular but I'd leave it to the last moment to decide. A Six Nations week-end in Dublin is the jolly to end all jollies. A city full of anticipation before the match and then the happiest piss-up on this planet - whoever wins. I did it once and loved the atmosphere (without caring much for rugby).
OP, sorry that this doesn't help. If you can't face the w/e he should, of course, stay.

Bearbehind Tue 05-Feb-13 17:39:46

Any fucker, wtf do you mean about a 'beartrap'. You blatantly mis quoted someone and said that was a 'very sexist comment' then you get all pally with that person and somehow it's my fault.

The only undercurrent I can see on this thread is a blatant MN hierarchy that sucks.

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