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to not go to a close friends wedding?

(137 Posts)
JadoreDior Sun 03-Feb-13 22:20:06

We have been friends since school and still see each other 2-4 times a month. Anyway she is getting married this year, it is an extremely small wedding. The only people invited to the ceremony are immediate family only and then they have invited close friends and their partners to have a meal afterwards.

She has sent me a text today to let me know the date, and they have decided to do it on a Friday, which means I will have to use my holiday time off work which is really precious to me as we are booking a summer holiday and also over Christmas we are going away and spending it with family.

There also wouldn't be any point of me going after work because the meal is at 3 and then people are just having drinks etc - there won't be a disco or anything kind of entertainment so I'm assuming people won't be staying that long after the meal is over.

Also I'm not invited to the ceremony (which is fine I understand why I'm not) but it would mean me losing a days holiday to just go to a meal.

aibu to not want to go?

StuntGirl Wed 06-Feb-13 17:02:24

You don't sound like a close friend OP if a days annual leave is worth more to you than wishing her well on her wedding day.

PickledInAPearTree Wed 06-Feb-13 16:47:22

Good! I've done loads for friends weddings been on hen dos all over stuffed baby tomatoes with cream cheese, worn mingy bridesmaid dresses.

If I get any nonsense when I get married there will be moider!

diddl Wed 06-Feb-13 16:40:45

Yes, but still doesn´t mean she isn´t disappointed.

I know I would be-but hopefully I´d also care enough to want to celebrate her wedding day.

PickledInAPearTree Wed 06-Feb-13 16:33:42

Op says its fine she understands why she's not invited to ceremony. So there seems a valid reason.

Therefore no need for begrudgy nonsense. If the meals at three she could probably wangle working through her lunch and making up the time I would say.

Miffy nonsense I tell you!

diddl Wed 06-Feb-13 16:11:29

But I can´t imagine a good friend being specifically not invited to the ceremony.

So as OP has put-it´s a day´s holiday for a meal.

Sounds to me as if she´s disappointed & perhaps thinks she´s not as good a friend to the bride as she thought she was?

PickledInAPearTree Wed 06-Feb-13 16:06:46

I just can't imagine if its proper actual good friend getting all sweaty about a few hours off going for a meal.

diddl Wed 06-Feb-13 16:03:55

Yes we are all different-which is why some would happily go to the meal, some would grudgingly go and some not go at allgrin

PickledInAPearTree Wed 06-Feb-13 16:01:40

Everyone is different. There are many reasons why people might not think the same.

diddl Wed 06-Feb-13 16:00:00

Well for me, I wanted everyone I cared about there when I took my vows.

PickledInAPearTree Wed 06-Feb-13 15:57:40

Brides can't win in here though. I know a few ceremonies that have been family only and friends when to the whole day apart from that. What's the big deal? It's better than asking them to the service and saying but I'm not paying for your meal.

I'd book a half day off for shops friend for a multitude of reasons, all this begrudgy shit I just don't get it.

diddl Wed 06-Feb-13 15:53:51

Well it seems odd to me also that a good friend wouldn´t be invited to the ceremony.

As I put earlier, I´d be gutted as to me it´s-er, well what the day is all about!

ChaoticisasChaoticdoes Wed 06-Feb-13 15:49:38

I thought it was quite common for people to go to the church to see the marriage ceremony, even if they weren't invited to the wedding.

It probably is. I just think it's rude to formally invite someone to a ceremony but then expect them to amuse themselves while you feed your 'more important' guests and then come back later in the day. It doesn't feel right to me.

Having said that if people turned up at my mythical wedding ceremony having not been invited it wouldn't bother me in the slightest so long as there was room for my invited guests iyswim. Not that I could ever see myself getting married in a church and people don't seem to turn up at registery offices/hotels etc.

But I digress...again. In the case of the OP I couldn't see myself inviting a good friend for the meal but not the ceremony*. If my good friend is important enough to be at the mean s/he is important enough to be at the ceremony which may be why I'm a bit confused at some of the replies saying the OP isn't a good friend if she doesn't go. Good friendships work both ways.

*The only exception I can think of is if I got married abroad and had the meal on a separate date and location.

After all that OP I would probably book (half) the day off and go but I wouldn't say you're not a good friend if you don't.

diddl Wed 06-Feb-13 15:49:12

Of course people are going to the wedding!

Essentially, OP is being asked to take time off to go out for a meal!

fromparistoberlin Wed 06-Feb-13 15:42:49

erm, another to say NOONE is going to wedding, so hardly an exclusion

if you value her, take a bloody half day off

DontmindifIdo Wed 06-Feb-13 15:29:50

diddl - in DH's cousin's case, it was because she's terrified of standing up in front of a large number of people, and just family on both sides was over 70 people before they looked at inviting friends. She wanted to just have both sets of parents and both sets of siblings for the ceremony, then was happy to have 150+ people for the reception, just not the actual bit when she had to talk in front of them (v shy).

I've known a few people have "just witnesses" at the wedding then hold a big reception, it's normally down to wanting to keep it private.

Re turning up to the church to watch the wedding anyway, does seem odd that there's a group from my parents' church who go to every wedding, regardless of if they know the bride and groom or not because they are 'allowed too' - the fact that it's a small church and if the wedding guests are large in number that means there's only standing room avaialble doesn't seem to phase them. Always seems odd.

Mind you, not as odd as the group who go along to funnerals of people they've never met - they are proper bonkers those lot... (we had 6 at my Gran's funneral)

atthewelles Wed 06-Feb-13 15:16:53

I thought it was quite common for people to go to the church to see the marriage ceremony, even if they weren't invited to the wedding. The reason for asking some guests to the evening only is to keep costs down. But they're not bumping up the costs by slipping into the back of the church. And as for other guests wondering why so and so was invited and so and so wasn't... it's always pretty clear from the way people are dressed who are there as wedding guests and who are there just to have a look and wish the B&G well..

tropicalfish Wed 06-Feb-13 14:55:44

I think this could really affect your friendship.
I was in a position many years ago where I had to go to a very good friend's wedding in the highlands. It was in the middle of nowhere literally. At the time I was slightly annoyed that it was going to cost a huge amount to us at the time to go. However, took a week off travelled around the highlands and really enjoyed it.
25 years later we are still good friends.
If you dont go you will regret it for the rest of your life. If she is a truly good friend.
Also, there was another friend who invited me to her wedding which I would have to have got to on my own and it was a bit difficult because I had a young baby at the time so I didnt go and we lost touch.
I think that friends that value you enough to make time for you like she does are quite rare. I think you should go. - maybe you could make the time up if you havent got the annual leave.

YouOldSlag Tue 05-Feb-13 12:26:21

I'd completely forgotten about the original OP. I was too busy slagging off bridezillas! smile

Anyway, where we were?

diddl Tue 05-Feb-13 12:23:38

Looking back at the OP I see she has been actually excluded from the ceremony-so don´t worry, in that case I wouldn´t go!

Got caught up in the OPs obvious disappointment at that.

Why do people do that-exclude from the actual ceremony (if it´s not size related) but want you at the reception immediately afterwards?

I understand not being invited to the reception (wedding breakfast) but being invited to the evening party-just seems odd to be not to want those at the "wedding breakfast" also at the ceremony.

Well, as some of you seem to think, I have odd ideas anyway!

YouOldSlag Tue 05-Feb-13 10:20:39

Exactly diddl. Brides need to realise that they don't control the entire universe and they don't own churches just because someone proposed to them.

diddl Tue 05-Feb-13 10:17:52

I must admit I´m laughing at the thought of a bride going down the aisle saying:
"Oi!-out-you were only invited to the evening reception!",

"I don´t care how long you´ve been attending services here-I don´t want you at this public my ceremony.

WelshMaenad Tue 05-Feb-13 08:11:38

Any wedding ceremony has to be open to the public, whether in church or hotel/registry office/other venue. It's so people can object if they wish, you physically can't stop people attending. No such thing as a 'private' ceremony, by law.

I had lots of evening guests at my ceremony, and we married in the barn if a manor house. I popped a note in with evening invites saying that we were prevented by venue number restrictions from inviting everyone for the whole day but that we'd love to share the joy of our marriage ceremony with evening guests if they would like to come. Loads did. Also some of my friends parents came to watch me get married which I thought lovely, my mum likewise came to the ceremony to see my best friend get married last year, that was in a hotel too.

Failing to see the rudeness, really.

maddening Tue 05-Feb-13 00:37:28

If the meal is at 3pm could you not take a half day off?

MrsDimples Mon 04-Feb-13 23:23:07


I invited friends to my wedding, that lived a few hundred miles away from the venue and then told them not to bother for a ten minute service and meal afterwards if they didn't want to. No party either.

People make far too much fuss over weddings. It's the marriage that matters not one stupid day.

PickledInAPearTree Mon 04-Feb-13 22:46:31

I would book a half day for a good friend NO problem at all. If you don't want to book it then they just aren't that close a friend.

All my close friends would do the same for me.

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