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to not go to a close friends wedding?

(137 Posts)
JadoreDior Sun 03-Feb-13 22:20:06

We have been friends since school and still see each other 2-4 times a month. Anyway she is getting married this year, it is an extremely small wedding. The only people invited to the ceremony are immediate family only and then they have invited close friends and their partners to have a meal afterwards.

She has sent me a text today to let me know the date, and they have decided to do it on a Friday, which means I will have to use my holiday time off work which is really precious to me as we are booking a summer holiday and also over Christmas we are going away and spending it with family.

There also wouldn't be any point of me going after work because the meal is at 3 and then people are just having drinks etc - there won't be a disco or anything kind of entertainment so I'm assuming people won't be staying that long after the meal is over.

Also I'm not invited to the ceremony (which is fine I understand why I'm not) but it would mean me losing a days holiday to just go to a meal.

aibu to not want to go?

RubyrooUK Mon 04-Feb-13 15:28:52

I also wondered if this was a reverse AIBU......where are you OP? Come back and respond!

BabyRoger Mon 04-Feb-13 15:33:26

You are obviously not close friends. A close friend would take 1 measly day or even half a day to go to their wedding.

ENormaSnob Mon 04-Feb-13 15:38:42


If you choose a weekday wedding then you accept people can't make it IMO.

In dh's last job just taking a random day off would've buggered up the years entitlement of holidays as Easter, Christmas and bank holidays were automatically off thus leaving 10 days to take at will.

diddl Mon 04-Feb-13 16:29:27

"Didl do you mean just show up to a wedding she wasn't invited to?"

Yes, why not?

I´ve been to church ceremonies where I have "only" been invited to the evening reception.

But as I put, I assume it´s not the sort of venue where that can happen.

NopeStillNothing Mon 04-Feb-13 16:37:22

If a wedding takes place in a church, I often go to the ceremony even if I'm only invited to the evening reception. That's because they're seen as 'public' and I didn't think people normally worry about numbers in the church. I wouldn't do it at a hotel or registry office though and certainly wouldn't turn up to the meal grin

Yfronts Mon 04-Feb-13 17:03:30

take half a day or a whole day unpaid?

Hobbitation Mon 04-Feb-13 17:11:15

YABU if it's just a case of using a bit of leave/taking unpaid leave, but in general I think if weddings are booked at short notice then you have to expect that people may already have plans.

I couldn't go to one close friends (second wedding) which she announced about a month beforehand because I had a work thing in a new job which couldn't be cancelled (having cancelled once before through illness). I was very gutted not to be able to go, normally I would have been there with bells on. I did go and see her and spend the weekend up there another time though.

feministefatale Mon 04-Feb-13 17:18:37

Yes, why not?

Because you aren't wanted there, that's why? Because other family will want to know why you were invited and not aunt so and so...because you don't go to places you aren't invited? confused Why do you feel entitled to go if you weren't asked? Why would you want to go if you know you aren't wanted?

YouOldSlag Mon 04-Feb-13 17:24:55

A church is a public place and any old lady off the street can attend your wedding and there is nothing you can do about it. It's the same with many christenings- you often have the whole congregation there and you won't know them from Adam!

notMarlene Mon 04-Feb-13 17:25:42

Yeah, dropping into church weddings uninvited is 'allowed' in as much as they must be open to the public but it's damn odd to do so if specifically NOT invited.

FauxFox Mon 04-Feb-13 17:26:05

Be prepared to lose a friend if you don't go.

I got married the summer after I finished Uni and invited my best Uni friend. She never replied nor turned up and emailed after to say she didn't come because she wouldn't know anyone. I have done far more cringey things for people than go to a wedding and be pleasant and i'd said she could bring a plus one of her choice.

I never replied to her email and we've not spoken since. I wasn't over-reacting it just showed I obviously thought more of her than she did of me and it felt like a waste of time to pretend we were still friends.

feministefatale Mon 04-Feb-13 17:29:23

A church is a public place and any old lady off the street can attend your wedding and there is nothing you can do about it. It's the same with many christenings- you often have the whole congregation there and you won't know them from Adam!

Not saying you can't go, just saying going when you aren't wanted because you have no respect for the people gettin married seems mad to me. Either you care about them enough to respect their wishes or you don't in which case why waste your time at their wedding?

YouOldSlag Mon 04-Feb-13 17:30:08

Yeah, dropping into church weddings uninvited is 'allowed' in as much as they must be open to the public but it's damn odd to do so if specifically NOT invited.

At my first wedding in a church, I had several old ladies at the back who'd heard there was a wedding. Did I mind? Not a bit.

If you want a private wedding, have it in a registry office or a hotel where you have more control. If control is your thing.

feministefatale Mon 04-Feb-13 17:31:15

fauxfox I think I could have forgiven someone who called and said they wouldn't attend due to feeling awkward, some people really struggle with bein on their own in social occasions... but to email after the fact and not respond to your invite was amazingly shit.

ModernToss Mon 04-Feb-13 17:32:04

I think you should stop referring to her as a 'close' friend if you won't even take one day off for what is (as someone else said) effectively her wedding reception.


diddl Mon 04-Feb-13 17:32:27

Oh well I´m damn odd then!

feministefatale Mon 04-Feb-13 17:32:45

YOS have you seen any of the wedding threads? Qute often some people aren't invited because of numbers, (can only invite all first cousins, not second has to be fair to everybody.) if someone then shows up it shows preferential treatment.

MerylStrop Mon 04-Feb-13 17:33:44

yanbu (if joyless and meanspirited)
but you do know it will be the end of your friendship if you don't go?

YouOldSlag Mon 04-Feb-13 17:37:18

feminist- oh yes I never miss a wedding thread! Obviously if it is a small church bursting at the seams, then no, you can't get in, but in principal I don't think it's rude, especially if for example, you have travelled a long way for just the evening party or something.

notMarlene Mon 04-Feb-13 17:37:31

Mmm. Old ladies at the back is one thing (lovely), people who've effectively been specifically asked not to come is another. Surely?

SpringtimeForHitler Mon 04-Feb-13 17:40:01

Your close friend asked you to take half a days holiday on her wedding day!?

How dare she.

EuphemiaLennox Mon 04-Feb-13 17:42:06

The new trend for people getting married on Fridays, usually to keep their own costs down, but necessitating you taking annual leave, is rather annoying and unreasonable I find.

People used to get married at weekends for a good reason.

But if it's a really good friend I would do it.

WorriedMummy73 Mon 04-Feb-13 17:42:21

To turn up at a church service you've not been invited to smacks of a 'screw you, you can't tell me what to do' attitude and is incredibly rude. I would be seriously pissed off with someone who did that at my wedding!

diddl Mon 04-Feb-13 17:44:36

I´ve never been "specifically asked not to come"!

I was invited to a work colleagues evening reception.

I went to the church to see her get married.

What´s wrong with that?

Anyone else who wanted to see her get married could do the same!!

SpringtimeForHitler Mon 04-Feb-13 17:45:43

But surely if she wanted you there she would have asked you confused

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