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to not go to a close friends wedding?

(137 Posts)
JadoreDior Sun 03-Feb-13 22:20:06

We have been friends since school and still see each other 2-4 times a month. Anyway she is getting married this year, it is an extremely small wedding. The only people invited to the ceremony are immediate family only and then they have invited close friends and their partners to have a meal afterwards.

She has sent me a text today to let me know the date, and they have decided to do it on a Friday, which means I will have to use my holiday time off work which is really precious to me as we are booking a summer holiday and also over Christmas we are going away and spending it with family.

There also wouldn't be any point of me going after work because the meal is at 3 and then people are just having drinks etc - there won't be a disco or anything kind of entertainment so I'm assuming people won't be staying that long after the meal is over.

Also I'm not invited to the ceremony (which is fine I understand why I'm not) but it would mean me losing a days holiday to just go to a meal.

aibu to not want to go?

MortifiedAdams Sun 03-Feb-13 23:01:18

Pro, the festival happens every year
Your friends wedding will more than likely be a once in a lifetime event.

Therefore irrespective of anything you have said YABU. NOt that you asked.

Bearbehind Sun 03-Feb-13 23:11:02

Is anyone else struggling to see why the 'crippling depression' is relevant to Properformers excuse for not going to a wedding (on a thread she didn't start).

I do think the OP is BU, not everyone works Monday to Friday so a wedding on a Friday will suit some people. If the person getting married is good friend, you make sacrifices

ProPerformer Sun 03-Feb-13 23:11:19

Btw, I do realise that IAMU in many respects - unfortunately as I've said - I have to take my whole family in to account - If I go to this '1 day' then I have to cancel our yearly whole family holiday (DM, DF, PIL, DH, DS and me.) which we've booked in advance (possibly loosing some money) as cant afford to travel to the wedding from there for the day. So for me to go to the wedding I'd have to make DH and DS miss their holiday, or at the very least (as my mum has booked it and because of her work policy can't change holiday dates) won't have a holiday with my parents this year. It will also mean DS having to miss out on performing - you try explaining to a 4 year old that he now cant go on the holiday he's been looking forward to and talking about for a whole year because he has to go to a wedding! Honestly I'm praying for a windfall of money so I can afford a train fare to just go to ceremony and rush back!

ProPerformer Sun 03-Feb-13 23:20:23

bear it's relevant because I hardly ever go out as my depression is linked to 'social anxiety' and the festival is the only place I feel comfortable enough to socialise at ever. I never go out with friends and the only time I 'socislise' is at this festival - at a wedding I'd be sitting on my own (or with DS and DH) not doing much then leaving early!

Anyway - fwiw to the op 'IMHO' you really just have to sit and think it through from all angles. My decision isnt being taken lightly and I've taken it after talking to DH, my parents, PIL's, looking at finances, looking at train times, accommodation costs, holiday times, festival programme, lots of factors. A good friend won't hate you for not being there for one day - I actually told my friend what my thoughts are and she's disappointed but understands - as long as I can make her hen do which is set in stone in my diary!!

wiltingfast Sun 03-Feb-13 23:21:56

OP I think YABU and not v nice. Someone's wedding is a v big deal to them. This is a v small wedding. Of a close friend allegedly. Surely you have enough leave in the year to give your friend a half day? Will you not enjoy it? You have v odd priorities.

SilverClementine Sun 03-Feb-13 23:22:25

ProPerformer, you're not the OP, perhaps you should start your own thread rather than confuse the situation on this one.

ProPerformer Sun 03-Feb-13 23:27:25

SC - sorry if I have confused things! I'm logging off this now to leave it to the OP anyway. I won't start my own thread though as I believe situations like this can only be judged by people who know all the facts anyway. (fwiw - I may be U to my friend, I may not, but it's one or the other and DH and DS say holiday and it's my friend and we can't do both so... sad )

Anyway apologies OP!!

myfirstkitchen Sun 03-Feb-13 23:49:58

Properformer - oh dear. You and the OP are both VU and probably not worth a bag of sugared almonds anyway.

DreamingOfTheMaldives Mon 04-Feb-13 08:57:49

OP, I'm not sure I've ever read a thread where it is more clear that YABCOMPLETELYU. It's one sodding day (at most) of your annual leave and she is a good friend.

Even when I had the absolute minimum of holidays (20 days) I would still have happily booked a day off for a friends wedding. And if I had used all my holiday, I would have pestered asked my boss if I could take half a day unpaid or make the time up.

I got married on a Friday because it was booked at short notice for very good reason and everyone came. If a friend hadn't been able to get the time off I would have been disappointed but understanding. If they'd not come because they wanted to keep their precious holidays, I would have been gutted and would really have questioned the friendship.

Your friend clearly means very little to you if your one day annual leave is more important to you than her small, intimate wedding.

choceyes Mon 04-Feb-13 09:27:17

Wow you are are totally being unreasonable. One day of your annual leave for a close friends wedding and you can't make that sacrifice? Unbelievable.

notMarlene Mon 04-Feb-13 09:32:56

Yes, YABU not to take a 1/2 day off. TBH I think there must be other reasons why you want to avoid her / the wedding.

NopeStillNothing Mon 04-Feb-13 09:47:56

Pretty unanimous yabu OP.
If you are not willing to sacrifice one days holiday to attend a close friends wedding then she is obviously NOT a close friend.
In some situations I believe it is acceptable, pre-booked holiday, sickness, Friend marrying abroad, family bereavement etc. This is not one of them.

claudedebussy Mon 04-Feb-13 09:58:23

take the half day. or ask if you can do time in lieu

Picturesinthefirelight Mon 04-Feb-13 09:58:32


The world does not have to stop for a wedding

Dh and I work in industries where our holidays are mostly set. If people choose to get married on working days they have to realise that people will not always be able to take leave. Your op indicates that you need your leave for other things

Last year my cousin got married on a Friday in the school holidays. No children invited. It clashed with dd needing to be at an important 40 miles away rehearsal (lead part and the week before show opened) plus we had no childcare for ds as the rest if my family was at the wedding

We just didn't go.

MerryMarigold Mon 04-Feb-13 10:04:48

I think a matter of one day off your annual leave really can't make a huge dent. If you get even 20 days off a year (and you likely get more), then 1 day is equivalent to 5% of your holiday entitlement. That's not a lot for someone who obviously considers you a v close friend.

NopeStillNothing Mon 04-Feb-13 10:09:02

pictures your situation sounds a bit different from the op's. Your cousin chose a date that was very unsuitable to fit their own rule of no children so nobody can really judge you for not being able to find appropriate childcare.

The OP seems to be concentrating more on the fact that the meal is a bit 'pointless' which is what makes me feel that this friend is not actually that important.

RubyrooUK Mon 04-Feb-13 13:56:43

Pictures, that is a totally different situation. The OP has nothing planned but would prefer not to take any holiday to attend a weekday wedding.

I too work in an industry where global events dictate there are some times I would not be able to go to a wedding as my job relies on me being there. If that occurs, I have to decline an invite. That's life.

If attending a wedding just means taking a small amount of holiday to celebrate a once-in-a-lifetime event for someone you love, that's a different ask.

TheCraicDealer Mon 04-Feb-13 14:28:34

You can tell from the OP that she's listing excuses, not reasons. Everyone's holiday time is precious, but so are once-in-a-lifetime events such as the wedding of your close friend. You'll get another 20 days or whatever come April, your friend isn't going to get married again.

If you don't want to go, don't go. Just don't give "I didn't want to use a half day of my annual leave" as your excuse.

GhoulWithADragonTattoo Mon 04-Feb-13 14:54:23

If you genuinely don't have the leave to take YANBU. If you could take half a day then I think you probably should try to.

drizzlecake Mon 04-Feb-13 14:59:13

Just take a sick day and nip to the wedding yourself. Leaving early.

diddl Mon 04-Feb-13 15:00:11

I think I´d go-but I´d be gutted at not being invited to the ceremony.

I assume it´s not in a place where you can just turn up anyway?

EuroShagmore Mon 04-Feb-13 15:00:16

YABU. It's a small wedding and she has presumably invited the people she really wants there. It seems she was mistaken about the strength of your friendship!

feministefatale Mon 04-Feb-13 15:07:02

Is this a reverse? I hate reverse AIBUs..

anyway OP you are being a shit friend abvu.

feministefatale Mon 04-Feb-13 15:08:44

I assume it´s not in a place where you can just turn up anyway?

Didl do you mean just show up to a wedding she wasn't invited to? shock

That would be incredibly rude, and awkward and probably piss off the family who were told no one but immediate family were invited.

YouOldSlag Mon 04-Feb-13 15:15:45

Op YABU. It's not "just a meal" is it? It's effectively her wedding reception. You will see her in her dress, and share her happiness and raise a glass to her and her groom.

It's only a very small wedding so it's quite an honour to be asked. She obviously values you enormously or she wouldn't have included you on the very tiny guests list!

Don't be an old grump and sign the annual leave form!

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