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to think XP should do this for me and not his current partner?

(48 Posts)
littlemisssarcastic Sun 03-Feb-13 21:47:05

I am honestly not sure if IABU or not. My gut tells me IANBU, but I have discussed with a few people and there is a mixed response.

XP has got a job that pays quite well, he works 12 hr shifts 4 days a week.
The company wanted another person to cover for the other 3 days a week, and knowing that his current partner and I were both looking for work, he suggested his DP.
Now, you might think that is fair enough, it's up to him who he suggests, BUT here's where I have the problem.

XP and I have a DD, his DP has a DS. XP is looking after her DS while she works 3 x 12 hour shifts, and not DD so I can work 3 x 12 hr shifts, and XP does not pay maintenance. (CSA have been trying to chase him for 4 years and have extracted less than £75 from him in all that time.)
XP does not see DD regularly, yet he is looking after his DP's DS every fucking week for 42 hours (including travel), so she can earn £££££'s too!!

XP's DP's XP has her DS every other weekend, and when XP has these 'free' weekends, I have no idea what he does, because he hasn't seen DD since before Christmas.

Now, XP claims he and DP need to work 7 days a week to pay debts off which I did not incur while DD and I are here, me looking for school hours jobs, and paying off debts accumulated years ago by him and both of us living in fucking poverty!!!

If I didn't look after DD, he admits it would mean he couldn't work this job, so I am enabling him to do these hours, and then to look after his DP's DS instead of his own DD, so she can earn money too, because XP has admitted he can't cope with both DC at once, so he wouldn't look after DP's DS if he had to look after DD.

He now says he can only see DD every other weekend because on the other weekends, he has to look after DP's DS while she goes to work!!

Due to the hours of the job, and looking after his DP's DS 3 days a week, XP has said that I need to find a school hours job because he cannot help with childcare since he needs to go to work. But what about me needing to go to work FGS???

AIBU to think this is unfair, or should I accept that this is the way it is when parents split, and understand that he has debts to pay of his own bloody making.

angry angry angry angry angry angry

MmeLindor Mon 04-Feb-13 10:53:32

I don't think this is about the job.

It is about your arse of an ex preferring to spend time with his new partner's son than with his own daughter.

Which is making your lovely DD sad, and that is making you sad and angry at him.

Add in the fact that not only is he not supporting you and your DD, he is also leaving you short of cash, thne it is no wonder you are angry at him.

Snazzynewyear Mon 04-Feb-13 10:49:38

All very annoying but I think it's better down the line that you're not having to work with him. And probably best not to rely on him for childcare too if he's going to be as flaky as this. I completely see why you are cross about it though.

WeAreEternal Mon 04-Feb-13 10:41:19

cinnabar beat me too it, I was going to suggest a career as a childminder.

You shouldn't rule it out, a good friend of mine was made redundant and decided (very reluctantly) to get into childminding as she was struggling to find a sutable job and childcare.
She didn't think she would be great at it as she is not what she described as a natural parent but two years later she loves her job and is doing very well with it.

Buzzardbird Mon 04-Feb-13 10:15:22

Oooo, that's a good one cinnabar. What do you think op?

Wish I had some useful advice on how to get him to cough up but I guess as he doesn't want to look after his dd in any shape or form he would find a way of getting out of it?

When you have got yourself sorted he will probably come crawling back and then you can show him what its like to be crapped on from a great height.
There's no better revenge than moving on and being happy.

PickledInAPearTree Mon 04-Feb-13 10:14:13

He sounds like a massive BELLEND.

I can totally see why your frustrated.

Just think of him when he is old in a piss ridden bedsit eating cold beans out of a can whilst you have nice days out with your grandchildren.

aldiwhore Mon 04-Feb-13 10:10:26

I would also petition the school governors to provide out of school care... I thought that they had to these days? Our school has done it, begrudgingly, and only after parents, the PTA and governors demanded it.

School hours jobs are as rare as rocking horse shit these days... and part time work will soon be a thing of the past if you also have to rely to WTC.

I completely feel for you, but you have to take your x out of the equation, he's contributing nothing and will not offer any solutions, instead you need to focus on you, your dd and your situation. Don't waste a single scrap of energy in meeting your ex's needs and do not EVER work your life out so that it's easier for him. I know you want your dd to have a relationship with her dad but it's HIM that has to put that effort in. x

littlemisssarcastic Mon 04-Feb-13 10:09:47

I don't think I would make a good CM. grin

Good suggestion though.

littlemisssarcastic Mon 04-Feb-13 10:07:52

Mortified Xp says he can't cope with both of them at the same time on his own. DD can be very full on, and gets very excitable when she sees him. Tbh he rarely looks after DD on his own. He usually has a g/f or his mum with him when he has DD with him.

Take today for example, XP is not working today but he can't see DD (DD already asked him the other day if he could see her after school today) because he is looking after DP's DS while DP is working.

That's the only reason he has.

CinnabarRed Mon 04-Feb-13 10:05:08

Just a thought, possibly (probably!) a rubbish one - but as there's clearly a need for more good childminders in your area, would you consider becoming one?

oldraver Mon 04-Feb-13 10:04:12

Yes it all sounds unfair, but you have to let it go.

I assume you know where he is working now ? Give all this info to CSA nad pressure them to make a decision

CremeEggThief Mon 04-Feb-13 10:02:30

YANBU. I think it's awful he is prioritising someone else's child over his own. I don't understand these sorts of people sad.

In the long run, you are the winner and your wonderful DD will prove that to you, time and time again. thanks

littlemisssarcastic Mon 04-Feb-13 10:01:05

Hecate Your crudeness has made me grin and is so true!!

Xp has had many relationships since we split and has never remained in touch with any of the DC.
The only child he has as far as I know is DD and she is the only one he has sporadically remained in contact with.
I suppose i have learnt a valuable lesson though. smile

MortifiedAdams Mon 04-Feb-13 09:59:32

Why cant he have DD and DS on the same days??

spiritedaway Mon 04-Feb-13 09:55:53

Agree Hecatewhoop

littlemisssarcastic Mon 04-Feb-13 09:54:16

Thanks for all the input since my last post.
I hadn't thought of how he could badmouth me at the job. Good point!!
I suppose I would always be on pins if he was my only source of childcare because he does tend to do what suits him.
Thanks for the suggestions wrt childcare. They are very helpful.

I feel better since reading this thread.

I admit that part of this is resentment that I have very little help with DD and know very few people who have the same low levels of support and if I am honest, it really pisses me off, although I don't tell people IRL just how pissed off it makes me because AFAIC DD is xp and my responsibility.

I actually don't know of anyone IRL who has no support from either family or dc's parent.
I'm sure there is thousands out there. I just don't know of any.
As an example, My mother babysits for my DB but won't for me, even though my DB has other family who could and do help him too.

Rahhhhhhh. I feel a bit better now. grin

HecateWhoopass Mon 04-Feb-13 09:50:30

He sounds like one of those people who is only interested in the kids while he's with the woman. Whether his kids or not.

You aren't being unreasonable to wish he gave a shit, but since all his actions to date have demonstrated that he doesn't - you can hardly be surprised.

if this relationship fails, he'll not give a shit about these kids either. sad

Don't read any further if you don't like crudeness

There are some men who only play the part of father for as long as they get to sink their dick into the mother. When that goes - they show that the kids meant nothing.


spiritedaway Mon 04-Feb-13 09:44:06

I agree with the unrealistic. . what is unreasonable is the stigma attached to single mothers in yours and my situation. Enabling the non resident parent to earn a wage and not get a penny in child support whilst being judged, by many, as the scrounger. I hate the way single mothers on benefits are judged these days when the person taking the piss is often the prick earning 120k and posting his wealth all over fb while his kids get free school meals. Bitter rant done. I sympathise OP.

DonderandBlitzen Mon 04-Feb-13 09:29:16

You are a good mum. Your ex is a shit dad.

DonderandBlitzen Mon 04-Feb-13 09:28:50

Well done by the way.

DonderandBlitzen Mon 04-Feb-13 09:27:53

Your ex is being unreasonable because he is paying no maintenance for his child and hardly sees her. You are not being unreasonable because you are coping on your own with little money.

NutellaNutter Mon 04-Feb-13 09:24:54

My god, he sounds like such an utter waste of space. No wonder he is your ex.

PickledInAPearTree Mon 04-Feb-13 09:18:13

I can see why your fuming about the general situation. I think the job rec is not that unreasonable but it's part of a whole situation that's totally annoying..

Sounds like your never going to be able up rely on this knob for anything sadly.

I'd try and find something that wasn't shift work perhaps to make it easier to get childcare and just keep perusing the csa.

UnbridledPositivity Mon 04-Feb-13 09:17:02

I think it's rubbish and really unfair. But: it's much better for you not to have to depend on him for childcare. What if he decided on a whim not to look after DD one day? You're much better off not relying on him. Plus working in the same place as him wouldn't be easy either, what if he makes up nasty rumours about you etc.

Yanbu to hope he'd consider you and do his bit to make your and therefore his DD's life easier. Yabu to think he'll change.

ChocHobNob Mon 04-Feb-13 09:12:18

YABU(nrealistic) to expect him to prioritise you for a job over his partner.

He is being absolutely U(nreasonable) refusing to look after the 2 children at the same time. He has no excuse for that. Your poor DD.

SPBInDisguise Mon 04-Feb-13 08:56:59

You're a parent. He's a prick who will see his daughter when it suits him, when it doesn't clash with his other commitments angry. No it's not fair and YANBU,
that said if they ever split up the new partner will be up shit creek too if she's relying on him for childcare

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