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To think is this is not embarrassing?

(156 Posts)
D0oinMeCleanin Sun 03-Feb-13 16:56:44

Ignoring all the background because I can't move until we 'win' a council house, so I can't just leave.

Both dds at a party, which I assume was planned for weeks. I was told about it yesterday. I was at work at teatime, essay writing, dog walking and dryer fixing at lunchtime.

Dd2's only pair of tights that match her dress have a hole in the crotch, only the crotch. |I only noticed this hole when I was getting her dressed. Her dress covers the crotch. She has clean knickers on, the same colour as the tights. Had she had other tights I would have gave her them, but she doesn't, so she wore the holey ones. There are no holes in the leg, only the crotch. She is 6 so she is not inclined to go around with her skirt above her head.

She has told DH about the rip on the way to the party. He is 'mortified' and 'feels like he can't go now' I am 'not a proper a mother' and 'want our children to be scruffy' his family will 'all be talking about us'

AIBU to think he needs to get a fucking grip and stop allowing our children to be near his family if they'd honestly make dd2 feel bad about a hole in some tights (which they wouldn't)?

D0oinMeCleanin Sun 03-Feb-13 22:30:46

That's what the FSW said and she told me my best option would be to apply for a council house, which we did.

I will see CAB tomorrow. They do their housing advise clinic on a Monday morning.

sparrowfart Sun 03-Feb-13 22:31:31

I work for a local authority and have some limited understanding of housing policy - I was under the impression that if you need to leave the home because of an abusive relationship that you would get considerable the council know your full circumstances?
And no, it is not mortifying. If he is so mortified perhaps he needs to go through DDs wardrobe and mend anything that needs mending. hmm

D0oinMeCleanin Sun 03-Feb-13 22:33:01

They know I wish to leave the relationship due to emotional and financial abuse of myself and emotion abuse towards the children. We got points based on those circumstances.

shine0ncrazydiamond Sun 03-Feb-13 22:36:00

Seems to me like you have chosen a bloody animal over your children's welfare. There is not much talking to you though because this is an ongoing situation.

Whilst you have your priorities all skewed < that is, choosing damn animals over your very own human beings > I shall continue to read your posts until 2020 or the day you see sense.

minkembra Sun 03-Feb-13 23:07:54

Jeezo guys. it is hard to leave. even someone who is horrible and unreasonable. kids tend to love their fathers even if they are a bit useless. so dragging your kids away from their dad who will then almost inevitably go on about how sad he is and how tough it is for him and make the kids feel sorry for him. no matter how shit he is the kids won't turn cartwheels about leaving and they won't say oh well never mind about the pets.

Drag them away from their dad and kill their pets!?! You don't think that might cause them issues? Even if you lie about it.

All the OP wanted to know was is he unreasonoble. yes he wbu. it can be hard to tell sometimes when you are in EA relationship cos they can make you feel like yabu.

well done op for applying for council house. hope it comes soon.

If you could get money for deposit to move i think there may be charities/ ppl who take in pets in precisely these circumstances as abusing pets is often a part of the control strategy in abusive relationship. but that would only work if you can get somewhere and if you say you cannot who are we to judge.

Keep pestering the council and try WA. good luck.

And holey tights. not a problem.

Softlysoftly Sun 03-Feb-13 23:14:00

Total sidetrack here (I don't know your history) but is it just me that thinks "Devil dog" sounds really really unsafe around kids confused.

Not that I think topping your pets solves all your issues but to pp who said the kids would be traumatised for life I think that's exaggeration. Pets go to pet heaven, or to live in fields as companions to racehorses (Thanks dad) or sometimes they just get eaten by bigger animals (Thanks mum) harsh lesson but one we all learn and get over. What isn't so easy to get over is the abuse of someone who is supposed to give unconditional love.

D0oinMeCleanin Sun 03-Feb-13 23:26:11

No, my dog is not dangerous, those are issues he has now overcome, but a rescue would still need to know about them, without ongoing management and training they could resurface, he will always be a dog who not socialised during the critical period and he will always be mistrustful of people.

He is not dangerous in my house, with my kids, but he could become dangerous if he was ill managed by someone who did not know his past.

I will not be murdering my children's pets to drag them off to god knows where with no money.

I will phone WA and see what they have to say. I will contact CAB and we will most likely continue waiting for a council house for several reasons.

IneedAsockamnesty Mon 04-Feb-13 00:30:40

Op do you bid on every house you can?

Are you able to write a list of things to ask the CAB tomorrow.

Put occupation orders at the top of your list

TheBossOfMe Mon 04-Feb-13 02:35:48

DOoin - I don't normally post on threads like this, but something about your situation makes me feel that I have to speak up.I have read so many of your posts - and as so many people upthread say, nothing seems to change for you.

You admit you are being emotionally and financially abused by your DH.

You admit that he is emotionally abusing your children.

You admit that at least one of your children is developing emotional issues as a result of this abuse (the shoe thing is exactly that).

Yet you stall and stall and stall over actually doing ANYTHING to protect your children, because you are worried about your pets.

Here's what's highly likely to happen to your DDs if you don't do something about it soon. They are going to start to see such patterns of abuse as normal. They are going to start seeing you as someone who doesn't protect them from it. They are going to become people-pleasers, highly anxious, living on the edge of their emotions all the time.

And they are going to repeat the behaviour in their adult life, sub-consciously choosing men just like your DH. Because by doing nothing, you are teaching them that this is OK. And don't kid yourself that bidding on council houses feels like something to them - because right now it feels like doing nothing to them.

I speak from experience here.

And the thing you put above all of this, that you hold up as the most important thing in all of this is what? YOUR PETS. You are sending a message to your children that they are not as important as your pets. Yes, they will be upset if they have to leave their pets behind, but they will get over that. The abuse? Not so much.

Think about this. Stop and really think about this. Do you want your DDs to spend their adult lives trapped in a similar marriage? Because that's what you are setting them up to do.

I understand how hard it is to leave an abusive relationship. I really do. But you are past the first hurdle, which is recognising you should leave it. Please, for the sake of your DDS, take the next step and actually leave. Go to a refuge, go to a friends, go anywhere but stay where you are now.

Morloth Mon 04-Feb-13 09:06:14

Shrug, he will just keep doing it until you leave.

How long will you put up with this for the sake of some animals?

mrsjay Mon 04-Feb-13 09:13:03

just leave him council houses are like hens teeth just leave dont wait until you have a bid this man by the sounds of is making you r life miserable, people leave they get housed this is an emergency, good luck today or you could ask him to leave ,

ImNotDrunkIJustCantType Mon 04-Feb-13 09:23:53

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

flow4 Mon 04-Feb-13 09:33:51

Doin, you know you need to leave. You've known it for a long time. All the excuses reasons you have for staying are just because you're scared. I understand that - I really do. It is scary to leave a relationship, even an abusive one. It is scary to move house. It is scary to be a single parent for the first time. It is scary to put your children through change that they will not like. The whole thing is scary.

But set against that, is the fact that your daughters are now caught up in this. This tips the balance, doesn't it? While it was just you suffering, it was just your problem if you chose to stay. But now it is your daughters' problem too. If you don't love yourself enough to LTB, then act out of love for your children.

flow4 Mon 04-Feb-13 10:45:54

And here are some bits of info that might be useful practically, Doin...

Here is the Women's Aid Survivors Handbook. It has loads of practical, emotional and legal advice. You may especially want to look at the section on Helping Your Children. Children are badly affected by domestic abuse, in many different ways.

Here is their info and advice about emotional abuse. Look at the last FAQ...

You might be able to get him out, rather than leaving, at least in the short term. Here is some info about occupation orders. You could be granted temporary occupation of the house, even tho' it's legally his, until you are housed elsewhere. You have a good case because you have children, you are the primary carer, you do not have independent income, and there is abuse. You may also be able to get a non-molestation order to stop him harassing or pestering you. You really need to see a solicitor.

If you need to leave, Women's Aid will help you. You are on the 'normal' council waiting list, but because of the emotional abuse you and your children are experiencing, you could seek emergency accommodation - the rules are different and you will be re-housed more urgently, though perhaps in temporary accommodation like a refuge or B&B. Here are some accommodation FAQs on the Women's Aid website.

I don't know where you are, but the Dogs Trust have a fostering project in some areas that is specifically intended to help women leave abusive relationships. Your dogs will be fostered until you are settled in new accommodation:

Hope some of that is useful.

flow4 Mon 04-Feb-13 10:48:26

Oops, here's the Dogs Trust fostering project link.

mrsjay Mon 04-Feb-13 10:51:33

I think flow has given your wonderful practical advice I know you said we were to ignore past stories etc but how can we when we know this is all part and parcel of how miserable it is, this is not just about a hole in a pair of tights

ImNotDrunkIJustCantType Mon 04-Feb-13 10:58:10

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

sparkle12mar08 Mon 04-Feb-13 11:23:20

Message deleted by Mumsnet for breaking our Talk Guidelines. Replies may also be deleted.

mrsjay Mon 04-Feb-13 11:27:13

Theres some really good advice on here. I wish youd take it.

^ ^ this I guess people will do what they want regardless of advice even if they know they will be living with an abusive person,

My mum did it with 2 men divorced the 1st still with the second seriously growing up in that is just shit,

schmoodles Mon 04-Feb-13 11:29:18

Yes, I've seen her posts in the DogHouse. I will never understand militant dog owners who put animal before humans but anyway... these aren't my kids to make decisions for.

sparkle12mar08 Mon 04-Feb-13 11:38:30

Message deleted by Mumsnet for breaking our Talk Guidelines. Replies may also be deleted.

flow4 Mon 04-Feb-13 11:42:03

The RSPCA also has a fostering scheme for people fleeing domestic abuse (I didn't know that before - just found it) called Pet Retreat.

It is not unusual for women to stay in abusive relationships because they can't work out what to do about their pets. It is one of the most common reasons women give for not leaving. sad Here is an overview with various other links and contacts that might be useful.

AvonCallingBarksdale Mon 04-Feb-13 11:59:38

Ah, this is so sad sad. I've read lots of your posts Do0in and although you sound lovely, it's heartbreaking to see you put your pets above your DC (which, however you spin it, you are). The pets will die soon enough and they are animals. I get how, for some people, they're part of the family, but your poor DC willl know when they're older that they weren't as important as the dogs and cat and that's very upsetting. Please, just consider leaving and giving the dogs to a rescue. But, as a PP said, it's not my DC here, so.. shrug.

MrsDeVere Mon 04-Feb-13 13:02:16

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

fuzzypicklehead Mon 04-Feb-13 13:58:13

Damnit, I just lost a really long post.

The short version: OP, I get where you're coming from. Where in the country are you? There are fosterers and Rescues able to deal with dogs like Devil Dog (I have a very similar foster dog at the moment) until you get sorted. It would mean you can get yourself into some emergency accomodation until a house comes up.

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