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AIBU to be very hurt and upset or do you think the same?

(68 Posts)
sj2008 Sat 02-Feb-13 22:26:38

I suppose this may be better suited to the mental health board but I'd like a broader perspective...I am currently 27 weeks pregnant with my second child. I have fairly severe mental health problems with a diagnosis of bipolar and a personality disorder, I have had many admissions to a psychiatric hospital over the last 8 years. My husband and I have always wanted a big family but put off a second child until I managed 12 months in full time employment and to come off all medication. Fortunately I achieved that level of stability and so far have been healthy in pregnancy.

However, a friend of mine on hearing our news told me she was disgusted that we would consider having more children as she thinks I am not fit to be a mother. She said as there is a chance I will leave now two children motherless it is utterly selfish.

I am totally gutted by this. Although I am close to this lady, she never sees me with my son. I have done countless things to be ashamed of when ill but am so proud of my son and how we parent him. He is happy, healthy and loved and has all the opportunities in our power to provide. He also is now lucky enough to have a sibling on the way and I know he will be a wonderful brother. Aibu to be upset by my friend's views or are there many out there who would write me off as a mum because of my diagnosis and behaviour when ill? X

pigletmania Sat 02-Feb-13 22:58:33

I would sre distance myself from her she does not sound like a good friend even though you have known her a long time

AgentZigzag Sat 02-Feb-13 23:01:41

And it would be totally different if your friend came to you and asked what you thought because she was worried Holly, and that could give an opening to diplomatically say what you generally would worry about yourself.

But telling her outright is unbelievably offensive.

If mental health problems are a disability, that's like saying don't have children if there's a good risk of them inheriting it because having a disability isn't worth the investment for that quality of life.

Which is on the brink of being sinister to me and total bollocks (not saying that about you though Holly, just in case it reads that way grin)

BarredfromhavingStella Sat 02-Feb-13 23:01:53

Your 'friend' is a bitch who you should cut loose.

That is all.

BarredfromhavingStella Sat 02-Feb-13 23:02:09

Your 'friend' is a bitch who you should cut loose.

That is all.

socharlotte Sat 02-Feb-13 23:02:57

Have you attempted suicide before?

BarredfromhavingStella Sat 02-Feb-13 23:03:27

Clearly should only be posted once, must stop using phone to MN confused

leniwhite Sat 02-Feb-13 23:11:56

It seems like perhaps she subconsciously sees you coping so well and either feels she is no longer needed to help, or that you've got strength she wishes she had too. Sometimes people get used to a friendship where the other person relies on them and it helps the way they feel about themselves to the extent that when they are no longer required in that capacity, they feel empty. This, mixed maybe with ingrained views that people struggle to change after she has seen you when ill, might be a recipe for a judgement on her part.

It's not right at all of course, but maybe as she's been there for you, consider giving her some time. Otherwise in her mind everything she thought is validated. If you show her how to be non-judgemental she'll eventually understand grin friends don't always do the right thing after all...

But do whatever is best for you and your family above all.

sj2008 Sat 02-Feb-13 23:12:20

Yes I am ashamed to say I have. I am working hard in therapy twice a week so that I can stay well but deep down I know I cant be sure that I won't become that desperate/psychotic again. My husband and our families understand there are no guarantees either but are there for any parents. Obviously my risk is higher but my level of support is proportionately higher too.

SirBoobAlot Sat 02-Feb-13 23:12:39

This woman is not a friend of yours, nor someone you need to spend another moments thought on. She is a vile individual who has no understanding of mental illness, and will only have a negative impact on your life.

You haven't mentioned which personality disorder you have been diagnosed with, but I have Borderline PD, and we have a thread over in mental health if you'd like to come and join us if relevant smile

Congratulations on your pregnancy. Be happy!

mrsbunnylove Sat 02-Feb-13 23:13:15

she is not your friend.

my mum has a written account of her mental condition from her cpn which states 'manic depressive schizophrenic with paranoid tendencies'. she was hospitalised for a few months for most years between my being four and thirteen, and a few times afterwards. she had fifty years on lithium.

our relationship is virtually non-existent now, but from birth to twenty-eight she was 'my mum' and i loved her dearly. she loved me too, for most of that time. the peculiarities of my mother's case separate us - it doesn't mean this will happen to you and your children.

i've never been hospitalised, though i've had 'second level psychiatric care' ie hypnotherapy to help me cope with the awfulness of my workplace. not my life. not any mh problems (despite what mners have tried to say!). with a truly horrible workplace which, when i told the clinical psychotherapist about it, made her cry.

i don't wish i hadn't been born. i was/am a brilliant (if extreme) mum, and i'm a pretty good and biddable grandma. i was pretty intelligent until the hypnotherapy and i was goodlooking in my youth. i have a beautiful daughter, son in law and grandaughter. i've been employed continuously for nineteen years - though i'm always on edge as it could end any time.

your children don't have to have mental health problems, and if they do, they'll be able to get help. they have as much right to be in the world as anyone else.
i like them. the one you have and the one you have on the way. and i like you as their mum.

you sound a lot nicer than your 'friend'.

quietly drop her.

downloadfestival Sat 02-Feb-13 23:13:43

She was insensitive and unfair for voicing her opinion that way, but it may be that she is just concerned for your dc.

I have MH issues myself, I have one dc but I won't have any more because I don't want to risk the extra pressure of another child as I'm aware that might trigger another episode. Some people can be good parents when they're suffering mild mental ill health - but severe mh issues can warp your thinking and can lead to low energy/motivation/anxiety, which must surely have an effect on the children and partner. I know that my DH had to pick up a lot of slack when I've been ill so it wouldn't be fair on him.

It's brilliant that you've been able to remain stable for twelve months and I hope that you continue to recover smile

SirBoobAlot Sat 02-Feb-13 23:15:45

Don't be ashamed of your illness. You wouldn't be ashamed if it was a different problem with the wiring of your brain, causing a different kind of difficulty. It sounds like you have a really great level of awareness regarding your conditions, and that is one of the biggest struggles for parents with mental illness.

IneedAsockamnesty Sat 02-Feb-13 23:19:24

Op I'm really sorry to be so direct and I hope this does not hurt your feelings but, you know those people in life who believe that because they may have helped you out a few times it entitles them to be nasty arse fuckwit cunts and treat you like shit to help them feel superior?

Well this friend of yours,if she worded it as you describe is one of those people.

FromHereToNextTuesday Sat 02-Feb-13 23:25:03

I am in much the same position, with a great many "motherless" comments and sneering looks. Doesn't help that the pregnancy was a direct result of a severe episode, and was in the end unplanned.

Would they say the same of a physical illness you were in remission from? Doubtful. Sod 'em OP, look after yourself and enjoy your pregnancy.

pigletmania Sat 02-Feb-13 23:28:10

Op this woman is no god for you, need people who can support you. Even if this woman was concerned her manner was way out of rider ad nasty. Se knows your in a vulnerable position and s knocks you den lik that. Ength f time you have known her does not make her a good frend, a good friend will be supportive and understanding and sensitive. She is not, I wuld distance yourself from her if she hold such negative views about you. Thats the last thing you need

pigletmania Sat 02-Feb-13 23:29:30

God sorry I pad typing s dreadful tonight

LAlady Sat 02-Feb-13 23:30:47

Not surprised you are hurt & upset. Move forward without her and her ill judged opinions in your life.

MrsTerryPratchett Sat 02-Feb-13 23:40:39

You sound a lot more prepared, planned and sorted than we were, or most parents are. Your 'friend' sounds blunt and mean.

On the point about genetics. There is a heritable component to a lot of MH issues. However, it is really not well understood and we are in the infancy of even diagnosing, never mind really understanding the causes of MH issues. Your MH issues do mean your DC have a raised chance of MH issues. They also have stable parents who are together, are trying hard, you have thought about medication in pregnancy, all that lowers their chances. You are right that you are very well placed to support them if they develop issues.

The one thing I would say is try to educate them on the increased risks to them of recreational drug use. It seems to be a trigger for MH issues in those who are already susceptible.

Good luck with the new baby!

BurnThisDiscoDown Sat 02-Feb-13 23:53:05

YANBU. If your friend was concerned she would have offered support and a listening ear. A friend does not make you feel shit during a time in your life when you're already vulnerable.

Please ignore her and enjoy your lovely DC.

socharlotte Sat 02-Feb-13 23:59:56

I think whatever the woman's thoughts were on the matter, she should have kept them to herself.Why do some people have to voice every nasty little thought that enters their head regardless of the consequences?

sj2008 Sun 03-Feb-13 08:40:23

Thank you for your kind responses and those who shared their experiences. As I am not playing sport at the minute it is easy to keep my distance from her. In the future it is inevitable I will see her often but don't think I will ever be able to forget what she said. It is hard as I do have anxieties about the rest of the pregnancy, birth and how I will manage with a newborn and hearing that has heightened those worries.

DIYapprentice Sun 03-Feb-13 08:54:13

YANBU!! - She definitely IBU.

And I speak as someone who has an ex-friend who suffers depression and I believe undiagnosed borderline personality disorder. I believe SHE is doing her son irrepairable harm - but that is because she won't address her illness properly, messes around with her medication levels, and won't consider that she has any undiagnosed conditions. (My DS and I have become a target of her vitriol hence why ex-friend).

YOU have a handle on your illness. Yes, you may have recurring bouts in the future, but you have accepted that, and are doing your absolute best to make sure that your condition doesn't affect your DC.

And in my opinion, you are giving your DS an extra support base by giving him a sibling and potential best friend. (As I watch DS1 and DS2 playing together and humming the Star Wars theme together!!!)

Chiggers Sun 03-Feb-13 09:16:01

Meh, ignore her OP. Maybe she is jealous of the effort you put into being a good mum to your DS and wishes she could be half as good.

When I say that, I mean that you have battled through numerous admissions and ups and downs, with your MH, to be a good mum, so you've done more fighting than a lot of people. It shows you have strength.

2 words for you OP "Get Rid"

Take care

pigletmania Sun 03-Feb-13 10:07:23

Just distance yourself. Even if you do sport be polite and civil than don't have anything else to do with her

pigletmania Sun 03-Feb-13 10:10:22

What she said would be a dealbreaker in a friendship, good friends don't speak like that

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