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Bargain! Two AIBU in One! to not let DC have a bath and to remove at least half their toys?

(17 Posts)
PavlovtheCat Sat 02-Feb-13 19:11:50

The children have absolutely trashed their bedroom (which they now share). Including taking the mattress off DDs bed and tipping most of the boxes out. Again. This has happened several times in the space of a month (3 times). Each time I have done a cull as they clearly have too many toys. This has been an ongoing issue for DD over the years, but it is getting worse as they have more things, and she in particular has no real care for her things (DS is too young I think). I cannot, simply cannot keep tidying their room to this extent, due to my own health issues. I of course tidy it and get them to help each day before bed, but the extent to which they can trash it is astounding and I cannot keep up with the level of clearing up required.

I asked the children to clear some of the room. It is so messy I could not expect them to know where to start with it and do it all, but need them to show some consideration and take some responsibility so asked DD (6) to tidy all her little people back into the box, and asked DS (3) to collect his cars up.

DD wanted a bath, all on her own without her brother. The condition was that she did this one thing. DS wanted to go on youtube to watch Thomas the tank engine and then go into the bath with DD after she had spent some time on her own. The condition was that he a) did not hit me and b) that he did the one thing I asked.

None of these things have been done, and so I have told them that they are not having a bath. DD was upset, but accepts it. DS is kicking off (and has his me, so definitely not having a bath now!) but he has now ' tidied' up some things. He is going absolutely nuts.

A) AIBU to not let them have bath (i think I know the answer)

B) AIBU to remove half or more of their toys and just leave their absolute favourite toys in their room, remove half the books and just leave their favourite ones (less sure about that one, i like them having lots of books around). Not for ever, but until they can look after their things? Including removing all but their absolutely favourite bears? (I won't take anything previous away, like bedtime bears etc).

PavlovtheCat Sat 02-Feb-13 19:14:01

(I had a thread about DS and his friend trashing it a few weeks ago, that time DD was not involved)

PavlovtheCat Sat 02-Feb-13 19:15:53

'I won't take anything previous away, like bedtime bears etc' that should read precious

SunshineOutdoors Sat 02-Feb-13 19:23:13

I'm not an expert by any means but I'd say that as they haven't fulfilled their side of the bargain, which they agreed to, then no, they shouldn't get the bath. If ds is acting up because he still wants it and you let him, I don't think this would send out a good message.

With the taking away toys, if you think that will help them to keep their room tidy, then that sounds like a good idea, but imo this should not be a punishment or part of a punishment, but a way to help them and you, as they need to take more responsibility for their rooms. I wouldn't do this tonight, as it will feel like punishment, but wait 'til tomorrow when things are calmer, then talk to them about wanting them to keep their room tidy, and this is what you are going to try to make it easier for them to do that. Maybe some sort of reward at the end of a day when room is tidy, maybe increasing that to once a week once it becomes more of a habit for them?

Twinklestarstwinklestars Sat 02-Feb-13 19:23:59

I would take the favourite things away just for a bit, if I took my ds' toys but not favourites he wouldn't be bothered. Maybe I'm a meanie though!

angrytree Sat 02-Feb-13 19:24:08

Could you perhaps pack some of their toys away in boxes out of reach/sight, and then every couple of weeks bring a new box out and put another one away, iyswim? That'd limit the amount of mess they could make, and hopefully they'd appreciate their toys a bit more.

Twinklestarstwinklestars Sat 02-Feb-13 19:24:50

I wouldnt take bedtime bears though that would be far too stressful in my house!

SunshineOutdoors Sat 02-Feb-13 19:27:00

Part of the reason I think to not do it tonight is to make it easier for you. It sounds like you've already had a bit of a battle about the baths, and maybe it will be easier on you to let the dust settle from that and get them happy and calm for bedtime. Then address the more long term, behaviour changing issue for tomorrow for when you've all got more energy and patience.

SunshineOutdoors Sat 02-Feb-13 19:28:56

But no, you're not being u at all. You'd be u in my opinion if you let them have their baths now and let the situation you're not happy with carry on without trying to change it.

PavlovtheCat Sat 02-Feb-13 19:43:43

thank you.

DS was kicking off as he is very tired. So he is now tucked up in bed asleep. We had a cuddle and I stroked his hair. He was still quite upset, and we 'talked' about his behaviour. I told him it was not ok to tip his boxes out, and it was not ok to hit me when he doesn't get what he wants, but that he is still my special boy and I love him very much. He said sorry for not being nice to me or his sister (chucked his sister's prized drawing in the bin in this fit of temper) 'can I have a bath today when we tidy the bedroom?' (he says 'today' for 'tomorrow') and I said that yes he could, once the room was tidy again. And then I cuddled him to sleep. To give him some due, he has been poorly, so I will let some of his aggression go a little.

I have seperately had a conversation with DD, and said to her she has too many things and I cannot keep up with the tidying. I explained that as she is unable to keep her toys tidy and look after them, we will be taking some away tomorrow. twinkle like yours, she is not bothered about having things removed, I have done this so many times before and some of those things have never made their way back to her room. I am going to not remove her favourite things this time, but have explained to her that if her room gets into this mess again, I will do that. I have said that she can help me choose which things go away tomorrow, to some extent, but if I feel that not enough is being taken away, I will be picking some things.

I will talk to DH when he gets home from work tonight about how we approach it. but I think I will say they can choose 3 bears each to keep out (they have millions, and millions in the loft, people keep bloody buying them for them!). And I am going to half DSs cars, and half DDs 'people and animals'.

PavlovtheCat Sat 02-Feb-13 19:45:39

sunshine I am so worn out! I have let DD stay up for half hour, as I don't want my overall anger and frustration cloud everything. Her punishment was not having a bath, and I had said she could stay up until 8pm today, so that is standing. And it means we can have some calm and happy after the froughtness. She was very upset, but when I was clear my mind was not being changed she accepted it.

QOD Sat 02-Feb-13 19:54:04

I had the whole circulation thing going on, dd didnt trash but OMG, her friends did.

Give it a go and have a nice bath yourself!!

TarkaTheOtter Sat 02-Feb-13 19:55:48

Could you help your dd sell some of her toys on eBay? So she is actually rewarded for decluttering? Then maybe she could put the money towards an activity, outing or magazine subscription (ie not more stuff). My dd is only 1 so not sure if this is appropriate or not?

PavlovtheCat Sat 02-Feb-13 19:56:53

QOD would love a bath, but can't sad bad back so can't get in it, or out of it without dh a winch ! Well, I can, but run the risk of it going on route either way and that would Not Be Good.

PavlovtheCat Sat 02-Feb-13 20:00:47

tarka that's a good idea. She really wants a Moshi Monsters subscription which I refuse to pay for, but if she 'earnt' it, she could use it to buy a couple of months.

I am not sure we will get much for any of her things though, we don't buy very expensive things really, lots of bargains, well played with things, or too small/popular so not really worth much (DS on the other hand, has a million Thomas trains wink However, we have already taken a few things and donated to children's centre, and children's dialysis ward, and maybe if we do this again, I could pay her a 'cash price' for each thing she chooses to donate? I might work on that idea, thank you smile

SunshineOutdoors Sat 02-Feb-13 20:34:33

Well done, it's always nice to leave it on a good note, especially before bed. Have a wine now smile

PavlovtheCat Sat 02-Feb-13 20:37:45

sun thank you, shame, like the bath, can't have wine sad I am eating choccie biscuits.

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