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aibu to be upset about dp sleeping with ds (6weeks) on the sofa?

(87 Posts)
honeytea Sat 02-Feb-13 08:30:35

Ds (6 weeks) has been walking often in the night this week, Thursday night he was up for tge day at 2am so I am pretty tired. I get up with ds in the week and dp gets up with him at the weekends (after I have breastfed ds)

This morning ds woke up at 6am, he had been up a couple of times in the night so I fed him but he was smiling and chatting away with no chance of going back in his bed. I woke dp and asked him to take tge baby so I could get a couple more hours sleep.

I woke at 8 and went into tge livingroom dp was asleep on the sofa so I went to check in tge little cot we have in tge livingroom but ds wasn't there. I looked again at dp and ds was asleep in dp's arm, ds was in a sleepingbag and under dp's thick duvet.

I took ds and dp woke up, I said to him that ds shouldn't be sleeping with dp on the sofa.

Dp got very defensive saying it was perfectly safe, ds couldn't have slipped out from where he was, he had only been asleep for a short time.

I have said yo dp that if he ever feels on tge verge of falling asleep with ds to come and wake me up or put ds in his cot even if he wakes up.

I'm not angry tgat dp made a mistake, I put ds on the sofa yesterday and he rolled over onto his front, I came back from having a wee and he was crying on his front, I know we all make mistakes I told dp what I had done and said I will never leave ds on the sofa again that taught me a lesson! But dp doesn't see that he was wrong. He is annoyed that I am interfering with his parenting.

I feel like I can't ask dp to help in tge nights as I don't think he will keep ds safe sad

I showed him some sids research and he just said yes but those people were probably drunk.

What should I do? Should I just never ask dp to wake up with ds?

13Iggis Sat 02-Feb-13 11:14:11

Startail in what way is the dh in question sleep deprived? OP has said he had full nights of sleep all week. A lot of excuses being made for him for some reason. If he wasn't going to do the job properly he should have told the OP this and she would (oh the joy) presumably have got up herself.

honeytea Sat 02-Feb-13 12:03:54

Thank you for the support, it really helps to know I'm not being unreasonable about sofa sleeping.

I don't hate him all the time, most of tge time he is a lovely dp and daddy, he really hurt me with his behavior today I have told him how much he hurt me he is sorry and I hope he doesn't do it again.

We have agreed that he will sit on the hard rocking chair if he gets up with ds.

We spoke and dp said he finds it hard when I tell him what to do, it doesn't excuse what he did but it explains what he did, I think he didn't want to admit how dangerous he had been because he felt really bad about it, he was shaken up by it and unfortunately his way of dealing with it was behaving like an idiot.

scottishmummy Sat 02-Feb-13 12:07:05

good result, you're both still novice at it - does get easier

AThingInYourLife Sat 02-Feb-13 12:22:13

"We spoke and dp said he finds it hard when I tell him what to do, it doesn't excuse what he did but it explains what he did"

It's not a great explanation though, is it?

He acted like a dick towards you because even your incredibly conciliatory way of pointing out that he was wrong was too much for his ego to take.

He needs to grow the fuck up.

That bullshit about "questioning my parenting" has to stop.

None of us are infallible. We all make mistakes at this business.

But we have to be able to admit those mistakes and do better next time.

You won't be able to parent together if he is going to turn into a bully any time you call him out on something he is doing wrong.

Having someone you love and trust steer you right when you (inevitably) fuck up is one of the great things about parenting as a couple.

There is no room (or need) for the kind of aggressive defensiveness he displayed earlier.

lottiegarbanzo Sat 02-Feb-13 12:43:33

You are right, he is wrong.

He needs to get over his ego and recognise that he has a lot to learn about parenting. (Of course he does, why wouldn't he?). It's that willingness to learn that's crucial.

I agree with your instinct that if he cannot recognise his new parent's lack of knowledge and the need to learn and check things, you cannot trust him with DS.

lottiegarbanzo Sat 02-Feb-13 13:05:16

But pleased to read you've resolved things. Hope that sets a pattern of him listening to you when you've learnt things he hadn't yet.

OxfordBags Sat 02-Feb-13 13:31:16

You're not self-centred, HE is! He'd rather endanger his child than accept he's in the wrong? WTF is that all about? I'm crap at admitting when I'm wrong, but when it comes to my DS, I'll take on any criticism that will keep him safe, healthy and alive, ffs. Not a great example for his son, is he, huffing like a spoilt brat because someone had the temerity to point out a very dangerous mistake he'd made.

I grew up hearing about a family member who had accidentally smothered their baby by falling asleep with a blanket around them, as she leant back in a comfy chair. The baby had slipped down her body until it was totally under the blanket.

It happens, it's not being paranoid, silly, nitpicking, critical, whatever, to know in your gut that this is dangerous. As others have said, the overheating issue is also v important too.

Your OH needs to grow up and realise that being a parent is doing the best for the child. Life isn't about him and his fragile macho ego anymore.

13Iggis Sat 02-Feb-13 13:48:33

I take it if he was falling asleep at the wheel of his car he'd rather you didn't tell him about it? No? So it's only if it's about the baby that he doesn't want you to speak up?

scottishmummy Sat 02-Feb-13 13:49:35

i see all the frasier cranes are quick off mark to analyse the errant dp
all that from what op said
whod have thunk it

holidaysarenice Sat 02-Feb-13 14:26:52

Yabu to get so annoyed at dh. Imagine if hed said those things to you when you accidentally let ur child roll on the sofa. We all make mistakes, and u and ur dp need to communicate rationally as to what you both want.

There is nothing wrong with leaving an awake baby in their basket if they are happy so you can sleep.

Plus ur dp asleep safely on the sofa with a child is little different to co-sleeping

13Iggis Sat 02-Feb-13 14:33:57

Plus ur dp asleep safely on the sofa with a child is little different to co-sleeping

That's bollocks. Dangerous bollocks to boot.

13Iggis Sat 02-Feb-13 14:40:36

Scottishmummy - this isn't the first time I've heard of Honeytea's DH you see.
<Spending far too much time on mumsnet>

Antipag Sat 02-Feb-13 14:41:37

Next time the HV/midwife comes aroun arrange a time when DH will be there and ask her to discuss the dangers of sleeping on the sofa with a baby. It is not just the duvet that is a risk, babies suffocate by slipping down on between parent and sofa. Perhaps coming from a professional he may take the risk more seriously?

HeadfirstForHalos Sat 02-Feb-13 14:46:57

YANBU. This happened to a man I used to work with: His wife was tired and fell asleep on the sofa with their newborn, when she awoke the baby had died. He had slipped between the mum and the back of the sofa and suffocated while she slept. She hadn't been drinking, wasn't on any medication etc. The poor guy looked so haunted when he came back to work, he never blamed his wife though, it was an accident and neither of them were aware of the dangers. Sad times sad

scottishmummy Sat 02-Feb-13 15:03:09

how tragic.parents must be haunted by what ifs

honeytea Sat 02-Feb-13 15:54:57

It's so sad that babies have died that way sad it must be the worst thing yo have a child tgat dies, but for them to die because of something the parent did is unimaginable sad

I'm going to try co-sleeping with ds bf in the side position and see if he stops feeding when he is full, one can hope!

scottishmummy Sat 02-Feb-13 15:57:34

in fairness its rare,but avoidable
talk to your dp see what you can sort

BelaLugosisShed Sat 02-Feb-13 17:54:18

One thing I don't understand, if sleeping on a sofa with a baby is dangerous, how is co-sleeping in a bed with them not dangerous?
The one and only time I remember having DD in bed with us was when she was a couple of weeks old and I remember waking up in a panic ( had been feeding her) because I couldn't find her - DH had put her back in her carry cot by the bed because I was flat out.
There is always something to terrify us - 23 years ago , the advice was to sleep babies on their fronts, DD would never stay on her front or even on her side and I was worried sick until the HV told me she was fine on her back.

NaturalBaby Sat 02-Feb-13 18:01:56

Did your HV not give you a cot death pack/talk? there's a reason why it isn't recommended, your DH needs make an informed decision about sleeping on the sofa - it doesn't sound like he has.

HansieMom Sat 02-Feb-13 18:03:42

Two posters have mentioned baby can die by getting between parent and back of sofa, they can also die by getting in that tight area between the back cushion and the seat cushion.

YellowAndGreenAndRedAndBlue Sun 03-Feb-13 08:42:39

I've a friend who works in A&E, she also says sofa sleeping is one of the things that make her most scared, she has sadly dealt with a number of babies who died this way, both in sofas and armchairs.

It is absolutely NOTHING like co-sleeping following safe guidelines in a suitable bed. That is a massively dangerous remark.

YellowAndGreenAndRedAndBlue Sun 03-Feb-13 08:45:55

Bela - beds are flat and firm, sofas are not. It is not overlying which primarily causes the death but baby getting faced wedged between cushions, in squashy cushions, into corners and therefore having mouth covered and not being able to breathe.

honeytea Sun 03-Feb-13 09:26:28

This morning went much better, ds woke at 6.30, dp got up, made himself breakfast and a cup of tea, then took ds, he changed ds's nappy and gave him a little massage, then played with ds for a little while, then he sat on tge hard rocking chair and watched a film.

Ds sleeps great till 6.30 I think we just havr to accept 6.30 is ds's wake up time and we have to start going to bed at 9.

JenaiMorris Sun 03-Feb-13 09:27:37

sm is talking a lot of sense here, although I really don't like the sound of your partner's attitude, honey.

A quick point re sofa sleeping; clearly it is to be avoided but firstly a lot (most?) of us will have dozed off briefly with our baby like this and secondly I have heard it suggested that one of the reasons for an increase in SIDS cases where the parent has been asleep on the sofa is that parents are trying to avoid co-sleeping in a bed and simply cannot stay awake. Drug taking, alcohol and smoking remain the biggest risk parental factors I believe.

TheSecondComing Sun 03-Feb-13 09:34:29

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

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