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aibu to be upset about dp sleeping with ds (6weeks) on the sofa?

(87 Posts)
honeytea Sat 02-Feb-13 08:30:35

Ds (6 weeks) has been walking often in the night this week, Thursday night he was up for tge day at 2am so I am pretty tired. I get up with ds in the week and dp gets up with him at the weekends (after I have breastfed ds)

This morning ds woke up at 6am, he had been up a couple of times in the night so I fed him but he was smiling and chatting away with no chance of going back in his bed. I woke dp and asked him to take tge baby so I could get a couple more hours sleep.

I woke at 8 and went into tge livingroom dp was asleep on the sofa so I went to check in tge little cot we have in tge livingroom but ds wasn't there. I looked again at dp and ds was asleep in dp's arm, ds was in a sleepingbag and under dp's thick duvet.

I took ds and dp woke up, I said to him that ds shouldn't be sleeping with dp on the sofa.

Dp got very defensive saying it was perfectly safe, ds couldn't have slipped out from where he was, he had only been asleep for a short time.

I have said yo dp that if he ever feels on tge verge of falling asleep with ds to come and wake me up or put ds in his cot even if he wakes up.

I'm not angry tgat dp made a mistake, I put ds on the sofa yesterday and he rolled over onto his front, I came back from having a wee and he was crying on his front, I know we all make mistakes I told dp what I had done and said I will never leave ds on the sofa again that taught me a lesson! But dp doesn't see that he was wrong. He is annoyed that I am interfering with his parenting.

I feel like I can't ask dp to help in tge nights as I don't think he will keep ds safe sad

I showed him some sids research and he just said yes but those people were probably drunk.

What should I do? Should I just never ask dp to wake up with ds?

Seenenoughtoknow Sat 02-Feb-13 09:29:54

YANBU - this is SO's how many deaths occur in babies. My HV said it's an ABSOLUTE no no!! Men tend to sleep heavier than the mother (who is programmed by nature to wake on the slightest baby sound) so the dangers here are even more huge...I would have gone mad if my DH had done that with our DC. Get you DP to read this:

It said risk of death is increased 50 fold.

Seenenoughtoknow Sat 02-Feb-13 09:31:09

You might have to cut and paste that link as I'm not sure it will work...

ENormaSnob Sat 02-Feb-13 09:35:05

Honey, going off your last threads re similar issues id say your partner is either terminally stupid re the safety of your child or doesn't give a shit.

FirstTimeForEverything Sat 02-Feb-13 09:36:49

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Seenenoughtoknow Sat 02-Feb-13 09:36:54

Actually - it's only a short article but worth a read - here it is...

Sofa sleeping claims 25 babies' lives

New figures obtained by the cot death charity, the Foundation for the Study of Infant Deaths (FSID), reveal that in the last two years at least 25 babies in the UK have died while sleeping together with an adult on a sofa.

The figures, collected for the first time from some of the newly-established Child Death Overview Panels as well as the Metropolitan Police, confirm that parents are still choosing one of the most dangerous places in the home to sleep with their babies.

Previous studies have demonstrated that falling asleep with your infant on a sofa increases their risk of dying suddenly and unexpectedly by 50 fold.

FSID and the Department of Health’s advice for all parents remains that the safest place for a baby to sleep, for the first six months, is in a separate cot in a room with you.

FSID’s director, Joyce Epstein, said: “This information confirms that warnings about the dangers of sofa sharing with small babies have not changed parents’ practices, infants still sleep in risky environments.

More lives could be saved, if every parent, carer and grandparent recognised that while a sofa may be a comfortable place for them to sleep it’s the most dangerous place for a baby.”


13Iggis Sat 02-Feb-13 09:46:41

If you're up with the baby, you need to be up with the baby - ie no duvet, no reclining on the sofa.
My dh knows what is dangerous and would never underplay genuine risks, but still I have seen him fall asleep when holding our (then) newborn in the bed. The upshot of this is sadly that I don't trust him to do nights at all, so it all falls to me. He is fine with him during the day, but his instincts just aren't up to much.
Your dh is being an ass, or possibly just overly-defensive - interesting to see if he changes his behaviour as a result of what you've said.

maddening Sat 02-Feb-13 09:46:47

I reckon he reacted like that as he knows he was wrong and has scared himself.

Talk when you're both less tired and without accusation.

honeytea Sat 02-Feb-13 09:58:51

Dp isn't sleep deprived, he has ear plugs in during the week so he gets a full nights sleep, he just hates being criticised

I think I will just have to do as one of you said and only trust him in the daytime.

Ds did sleep well but he has been really ill with rs virus and he is still contagious so I can't take him out his days and nights seem to be getting muddled up because we are always at home. I hope he goes back to how he was soon.

Dp is still in a strop, I gave ds to him and went to tge bedroom because I didn't want ds to see me upset. The baby started crying (he was only just fed so not hungry just fussy) dp came in and said do you think you can stop being self centered your son needs you. I really hate dp sometimes.

Footface Sat 02-Feb-13 09:59:41

Try to talk when your less tired.

If he got his duvet out he had deliberate intentions of going to sleep, he didn't just nod off. Does he do night feeds?

AThingInYourLife Sat 02-Feb-13 10:01:53

You don't have to put up with being treated this way.

Decent men are kind.

13Iggis Sat 02-Feb-13 10:02:02

Have just read your update OP and his attitude to you really is inexcusable. Is he normally such a twat?

Footface Sat 02-Feb-13 10:03:16

He's starting to sound like an arse tbh, no night feeds, yet can't stay awake, and following you upstairs with baby.

Sounds like a case of he doesn't want to look after ds so is making a pisspoor job so doesn't have to!

13Iggis Sat 02-Feb-13 10:10:07

I get the idea of men doing it badly so you won't ask them if it's with something like a nappy change - doing something that could actually kill the baby would be an extreme way of avoiding getting up sad

ItsAllGoingToBeFine Sat 02-Feb-13 10:11:48

Start feeding baby in bed again. Put a mattress protector on and sleep on a doubled up bath towel - it absorbs the milk lake :-)

scottishmummy Sat 02-Feb-13 10:12:45

so you've just had a baby with a man you hate sometimes,you argue.wind each other up
why the hell did you have his baby.did you hope hed change
frankly this isnt about sleeping on sofa. you two have big problems by sound of it

TheMightyLois Sat 02-Feb-13 10:17:43


YellowAndGreenAndRedAndBlue Sat 02-Feb-13 10:18:07

YANBU, it is absolutely the worst place to sleep with a baby. No idea how you tackle it with your husband but don't feel bad for how you feel, because you are right that t is very dangerous.

Try not to get too wound up now, it can be hard to tell in the early weeks whether you really hate them or it is hormonal. But do stand your ground, your DP should be supporting you right now, not getting arsey because he did something dangerous.

scottishmummy Sat 02-Feb-13 10:20:47

ok i was thinking he 6wk in novice but willing to listen and discuss.clearly not

Footface Sat 02-Feb-13 10:20:48

Is your dp the type of person who is able to admit when they are wrong or the type that couldn't possibly ever make a mistake?

Newyearoldmum Sat 02-Feb-13 10:23:58

I don't think asking the OP why she had a baby with this man is particularly helpful - thus is a vulnerable enough time for her.

OP I was giving your partner the benefit of the doubt as I remember how shitty sleep deprivation made my dh at communicating/listening/using his brain. It is not on that he shouted at you for crying and it is not on that he said you were being self centred for taking time to yourself. He should be listening to your concerns and taking them He should be supporting you. He's being an arse. Do you have any other rl support who could come over and help out, let you get some sleep?

Newyearoldmum Sat 02-Feb-13 10:24:51

*taking them on board

Startail Sat 02-Feb-13 10:27:04

New parents need sleep!!

Falling a sleep on the sofa isn't ideal, but those of us with older DCs have certainly done it.

Would I again with the new research. Yes probably, I'm human, I need sleep!

Finding a safe way to co sleep is probably the way forward, but lets keep things in perspective. Cot death is very rare.

No one collects figures for burns, scaleless and car accidents happening to sleep deprived parents.

DH commuted 3 hrs each way several times a week when DD1 was tiny.
He wouldn't stay in the hotel with his team, he wanted to be with us.
Sometimes, adults not getting some sleep is truly an accident waiting to happen.

scottishmummy Sat 02-Feb-13 10:28:30

im commenting on her post,clearly they have some communication/couple issues
and a baby amplifies everything in a relationship,good and bad bits
i of course hope they can overcome any difficulties they are having to be a family

YellowAndGreenAndRedAndBlue Sat 02-Feb-13 10:32:03

Cot death is rare because people now follow safe guidelines. It was a hell of a lot more common before people stopped sleeping on sofas. And sleeping on sofas is still one of the leading causes.

RooneyMara Sat 02-Feb-13 11:11:23

Oh no, poor you Honey he sounds dreadfully unkind sad

Please try and ignore him as much as you are able, and don't let him sleep with ds again. I am really sorry for you - keep posting, lots of us are alone with small babies and no help so can sympathise x

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