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To think that a 20yo shouldn't be 'seeing' someone in his 30s

(153 Posts)
minimarshmallow81 Sat 02-Feb-13 00:45:47

My younger sister had lunch with me today (read, she met me on my lunch break and I paid for a meal- probably the first portion of veg she's had in weeks given she's a student) and she casually informed me she's been on a few dates with somebody. She doesn't talk to me (or any of our family) about her love life so I was very excited to be having a personal conversation with her. All was going well until I asked her if he was on her course. She then (again, very casually) informed me that he wasn't and he was in fact in his early 30s.

I get that she's an adult and I get that she can see whoever she wants but I can't help but think that it sounds rather sleazy for a man in his 30s to be interested in a girl who's only a second year student. How can they have anything in common? And how can they have an equal relationship if she's a skint student and he's a fairly well-of businessman.

She treated the age as just something a little awkward and says she can't relate to 'boys'. I think she's a bit star-struck by the lifestyle he's showing her. Should I say something to her? I can't see this ending well...

Hobbitation Mon 04-Feb-13 12:34:38

My boyfriend of the time had come back to University to study the same subject as me so he could change his career. We had a fair bit in common with music, films, TV likes and dislikes as well, and a fair few things we didn't share a liking for! Mainly looking back it was mainly a sexual attraction, but so what? We didn't get married as we saw it for what it was, in the end.

I wonder how people can be compatible with others from a different culture, when you have almost no similar cultural references, and I've never been out with anyone who isn't English, let alone British. But that's up to them, people obviously DO have successful relationships in this context, who am I to judge?

HoldMeCloserTonyDanza Mon 04-Feb-13 01:08:07

A typical 20 year old student doesn't have that much in common with someone in their 30s unless the older person has a serious case on arrested development though. I have a 20 year old student sister and any 30 year old who wanted to live like her would be seriously immature. I'd wonder why some old loser wanted to hang out in her hovel with her earnest student friends.

Now if we're not talking about an average student, but one somewhat staid and boring older than their years, fine.

ots Mon 04-Feb-13 00:49:59

What?! It's not as if she's 15!! I met DH when I was 18, he was 33. We have been together 7 years and have so much in common. I find a lot of my friends partners, who are my age, seem so immature. Don't judge him on his age, and be supportive of your sister!

SchroSawMargeryDaw Mon 04-Feb-13 00:47:56

Early thirties isn't that old compared to 20 really.

I'm 22 and if I was single, I think my limit would be about 33ish.

HoldMeCloserTonyDanza Mon 04-Feb-13 00:44:26

I do cringe when people go on about "all men my own age were losers" hmm

Of course they weren't. Fine if you could only attract a geriatric found true love with someone older, but don't act like that was your only option! There's hardly a shortage of charming 20 year olds.

(I kid about the geriatrics!)

sleepingsatellite18 Sun 03-Feb-13 23:09:01

When I was 16 I was seeing someone who was 28/29 (for about 10 months)
When I look at it now I do think it was a bit pervy - he knew me whilst I was at school and we first slept together about 2 months after I finished school.

I'm 24 now my OH is 33. I like men older than me.

wewereherefirst Sun 03-Feb-13 22:52:07

My DH was 31 when we met, I was just 19. Nothing wrong with an age fgs.

hellymelly Sun 03-Feb-13 22:50:15

Am pleased that I just made it into the ok zone of the creepiness rule! (now at 40 and 49 we are no longer even close to the creepy zone)

hellymelly Sun 03-Feb-13 22:48:14

I met DH the week I turned 31. He was 22, four months off 23. We are still together 18 years later, so no, I don't think its a problem!

GoSuckEggs Sun 03-Feb-13 22:41:41

Message deleted by Mumsnet for breaking our Talk Guidelines. Replies may also be deleted.

chocoluvva Sun 03-Feb-13 22:33:29

SIL married a man 15 years older than her when she was 23.

They divorced 16 years later.

OP, other people's stories aren't really relevant. It's lovely when these relationships work out and I hope your sis is happy, but it's very understandable that you're concerned.

doyouwantfrieswiththat Sun 03-Feb-13 22:21:07

thanks Manatee Apparently I can date anyone between the ages of 29-74 without it being at all creepy, dp will be relieved to know he's in the zone.

ratbagcatbag Sun 03-Feb-13 17:25:42

Met my DH when I was 19 and he was 38, now married, been together 11 years and due our first baby in eight weeks. Lads my age pissed me right off!!

maddening Sun 03-Feb-13 17:19:20

Yabu - my friend is married - her dh is 12 years older than her - she was 21 he was 33 when they started seeing each other.

chocoluvva Sun 03-Feb-13 17:10:14

Or inviting her and the new man to yours?

chocoluvva Sun 03-Feb-13 17:09:37

You're right to be concerned OP. I'd wonder why a man in his early thirties was dating someone who was still a teenager last year. It's natural that you have reservations - plenty of men his age will have settled down and had children.

As other posters have said, big age gaps sometimes work out though and you haven't met him so you don't know what this 32YO is like - he might be lovely.

She won't want to hear your reservations. How about going on a double date so you can meet him?

OTheHugeManatee Sun 03-Feb-13 16:57:59

The Standard Creepiness Rule for age gap dating is half your age plus seven years. If the gap is bigger than that, it's creepy. So 50 can date 32, but if 50 dates 22 it's creepy.

By that rule of thumb, 30 can date 22 without it being creepy. But 20 is creepy, albeit borderline creepy. So YANBU, if by a relatively narrow margin.

HTH grin

stormforce10 Sun 03-Feb-13 16:50:46

YABU - dp was 39 when I met him. I was 23. 13 years and 2 children later we're still very happy.

She's an adult let her make her own choices

NoraSpect Sun 03-Feb-13 14:38:07

I was 17 (one month off 18) when I met DH. He was 27. We've now been together 5 years, are married and very happy.

Don't you think you should meet him before you judge, op?

NotGeoffVader Sun 03-Feb-13 14:03:00

When my cousin was 22, she dated a friend of her parents. He was 45. They were together for years. Only broke up because she wanted a family and he didn't.

jester68 Sun 03-Feb-13 13:59:04

Well not really sure what the problem is to be honest? or actually what is has to do with anyone other than your sister as she is an adult!

I was 18 (just) when I got together with my partner. He was 34.

Nearly 11 years later we are still together. He will be 45 this year and I am going to be 29.

We have 2 children. One is nearly 7 and the other nearly 3.

Fairly happy I think

cumfy Sun 03-Feb-13 13:52:56

Reverse much ?

VisualiseAHorse Sun 03-Feb-13 13:48:51


I (24 when we met) have nothing in common with my OH (34 when we met). Nothing at all. Which is why we're living together with our first baby. Nothing in common.

abbyfromoz Sun 03-Feb-13 13:47:44

By the way- i found out recently that a colleague of my husband said that when he first heard about me he judged. This was pretty hurtful to me. He said 'i don't see what he saw in her being so much younger apart from her being 'fit' and i don't think it will last'... Well it did, and now this guy has admitted he really enjoys chatting to me at social events- in fact looks forward to hearing my views. Please don't be closed minded and judgemental. It hurts people! Get to know them before making silly assumptions about their relationship!

abbyfromoz Sun 03-Feb-13 13:40:32

YABVU! Age has nothing to do with anything. I was 21 when I met my DH (32 at the time!) we have been married 3 years, together 7 and have a beautiful 21 month old DD together. We both work equally as hard, enjoy spending time with eachother's friends (range in age between 25 and 45!) i don't think it has ever been a problem for our families (i am pretty sure they are just happy to see their son/brother in a loving relationship) and although he wore mc hammer pants while i was playing with barbie dolls i am pretty sure we can get past that and look at what we now have in common as adults. wink

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