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Teenage ds (18) "I might bring a girl home tonight"

(160 Posts)
marriedinwhite Fri 01-Feb-13 20:28:37

DS just 18 - not had a serious girlfriend - didn't know he had one now. Just dropped him and in the car (I know, I know - he's 18 and has his own car but he's partying and he was late) he announced "I might bring a girl home tonight" I said really and where will she sleep and he said in his room. I said "I didn't know you had a girlfriend" and he said they had a bit of a thing going and I know he's had sex so what's the issue.

He took me by surprise and I said no because we don't know her, we don't know anything about her and it needs to be properly discussed with dad as well as with me. He was a bit meh said thank God he would be at uni soon but took it quite well and said thank you for the lift. I did say that if she came back with him that was fine but it was on the understanding that she slept in the guest room and he slept in his bedroom and didn't visit the guest room.

Oh bugger. What to do? He has a 14 year old sister and not sure I'm ready for this out of the blue. Fraaaaaaank are you there?

usualsuspect Fri 01-Feb-13 22:30:36

an 18 year old is not a child

noddyholder Fri 01-Feb-13 22:31:02

I agree with usual

StickEmUp Fri 01-Feb-13 22:31:58

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BettySuarez Fri 01-Feb-13 22:31:59

I would have no problem with it personally. He's an adult and my home is still theirs so I would be more than happy to welcome home partners.

Our eldest is 17 (DD) and her boyfriend stays over on a frequent basis. She wants to go on the pill, so we are just getting that sorted.

I probably would have been ok at 16 but not 15.

We are quite liberal by the sounds of things. But I do think that if they are going to have sex then I would prefer it if it was in the comfort of her own bed.

Casmama Fri 01-Feb-13 22:32:30

Tbh I think if he brings her back they will just shag in his room and then she will go to the guest room. At least this way they will presumably keep the noise down!

deleted203 Fri 01-Feb-13 22:32:48

I don't think you are being unreasonable. I have always welcomed any friends round - but would draw the line at this. As others have said, this is my home and my sanctuary from the bloody world - so I don't want to have to be polite to random teenage girls (or boys) that I've never seen in my life before at the breakfast table. Neither do I want them to see me swanning around in my nightie, thanks very much. Plus I've got younger DCs and don't want them to think that 'strangers at the breakfast table' is fine and dandy.

On a personal note - when I was at uni, bf and I went to stay with his parents (for me to meet them) one weekend and they put us in the same double room....obviously we were having sex, but I was completely mortified and really uncomfortable under their roof and didn't dare turn over all night in case the bedsprings squeaked! In the morning his mother greeted me with the words, 'Did you have a good night?' (FFS!) and I was stunned to silence - unsure whether I was supposed to say, 'My God, yes! He's a stallion of a man, your son' - or whether to squeak out, 'Oh yes, asleep as soon as my head hit the pillow' grin.

(Chose the latter phrase for those who are interested...)

CarriedAwayAnnie Fri 01-Feb-13 22:33:16

Yes and that respect should go both ways.

Wheres the respect for the fact that is an adult male with all the natural feelings that go along with that?

To exercise control over him because he is economically dependent doesn't sound very respectful to me.

TeaMakesItAllPossible Fri 01-Feb-13 22:33:59

I'm just impressed that after dashing his hopes he said thanks for the lift. He sounds lovely.

I shall be watching people's thoughts with much interest so I am prepared with some sort of response when hijacked in future.

Sallyingforth Fri 01-Feb-13 22:35:03

'Can we have dinner together before I decide if you can have sex under my roof?' I think you knew that I didn't mean it that way.

If the girl got to know the family first rather than just crept in to use the bed, they could all be more relaxed about it if/when the son asked again.

exoticfruits Fri 01-Feb-13 22:37:19

If you live with people you have to take them into consideration. I wouldn't have someone stay over without having introduced them first and so I would expect them to do the same.

BigSilky Fri 01-Feb-13 22:38:21

Respecting the fact that he is an adult and wants to have sex is different to allowing a stranger to sleep in your house though.

It would be different if it was his own house, I think that's unavoidable.

marriedinwhite Fri 01-Feb-13 22:39:35

morethanpotatoprints I entirely agree with you. He has a 14 year old sister and I felt I needed to think about it all quite carefully. On balance and having had a chat with DH our view is that we will have a chat with him tomorrow and tell him that if it is a genuine relationship and if we can meet her and have some information about who she is, where she lives, what school she goes to etc., then it's fine. DH has also said it's on condition he tidies his bloody bedroom because if a girl sees the state of it she won't want to come back.

Don't think we are of the he lives here for free and it's not a hotel persuasion. Yes he does live here for free, because we want him to focus on school and getting to uni and we are also satisfied that he works very hard. We would also prefer to know what he's up to than him keeping it secret and doing it elsewhere. But it is all rather odd, we have only just retrieved the lego from the shed and put it in the next church sale box confused.

PessaryPam Fri 01-Feb-13 22:40:17

usualsuspect an 18 year old is not a child
Is he paying his way? Economically he is probably a child and the OP should not be railroaded into something she is not comfortable with.

exoticfruits Fri 01-Feb-13 22:41:07

I don't want to bump into people as I get up to go to the loo in the night if I have never met them. I have moved on a lot since my days of shared houses!

CarriedAwayAnnie Fri 01-Feb-13 22:41:15

So as long as you've said Hello to her she can stay over?

PessaryPam Fri 01-Feb-13 22:42:16

Just to add we have always been OK with our DDs having BFs stay over. It's a big step though and they should not do it lightly.

marriedinwhite Fri 01-Feb-13 22:44:30

Oh well, am off to bed. Will check to see if the guest room's made up on my way. Will let you know whether she stayed over in the morning. My money's on that not happening.

milkandribena Fri 01-Feb-13 22:44:43

Personally ?

My parents always had an open house policy with everyone that me and my sibling new - whether that people we may have been seeing (however casually or serious) or just friends.
You don't get to qualify who you deem suitable for sharing his bed by if she has met your standards and have met her - I guess you think you have done a good job raising him, trust him

It is him home as well.
Maybe you should be happy you have the sort of relationship where he wouldn't just sneak her in and out and hide it from you, but tell you.

I don't get when people say 'my house my roles' esp when it is in terms of an adult (because that is what he is granted a teenager but an adult) having perfectly normal relationships with people.

I also think that carriedawayannie is right.

usualsuspect Fri 01-Feb-13 22:45:29

Oh stop with the paying his way crap.

Money has fuck all to do with this.

CarriedAwayAnnie Fri 01-Feb-13 22:46:01

PessaryPam - Nonsense. He isn't Economically dependant because he is a child. He simply doesn't work full time because he is studying to go to Uni.

Presumably the OP is happy about this arrangement and would rather this than him stacking shelves as a future career option.

If he were stacking shelves and paying rent would that make it ok to have sex under his parents roof?

Plan for the future, go to Uni, can't pay rent = Can't have sex.
Fuck the future,stack shelves, pay rent - Have sex.

I'm failing to see the logic.

PessaryPam Fri 01-Feb-13 22:47:02

I think paying for the gig carries some weight non?

CarriedAwayAnnie Fri 01-Feb-13 22:47:09

X posts with usual

BigSilky Fri 01-Feb-13 22:47:57

Anyone willing to meet their boyfriend's parents is obviously more committed than some girl coming from a party or club.

PessaryPam Fri 01-Feb-13 22:48:08

No one is saying you can't have sex, just not on my premises, you would not expect to have sex in Sainsburys or Tescos would you?

CarriedAwayAnnie Fri 01-Feb-13 22:48:24

No Pessary. It means nothing. Unless the girl is charging for sex.

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