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to think my sons girlfriend is ungrateful?

(144 Posts)
MascaraLipstick Fri 01-Feb-13 16:54:54

I have three children, the oldest is 22. He dated his girlfriend for about a year when she fell pregnant.

This was very much a planned pregnancy which in a way I felt sad about. I didn't quite understand the urgent need for them to have a baby when they are at a point in their lives when they should be buying a house together, or going on holidays etc

It was an opinion I kept to myself however. We said they were moving out and renting, me and my oh told them they can stay at home and therefore save up for a deposit. They decided to live at home and save.

My son earns quite well for someone his age and we asked that they pay £120 over all a month.

The baby is now here and currently 7mo, she is an absolute delight and it's been lovely getting to see her everyday. My son is working full time, and his girlfriend is a sahm.

My second son has his girlfriend over to stay most nights now. So altogether there are 8 people living in 4 bedrooms, it getting very crowded now and more expensive.

Me and my oh discussed it and asked both our sons to now start paying £150 instead. They both agreed.

The other day I was making myself a tea and his girlfriend had a friend over and I could hear them chatting (I don't think she knew I'd come home early) and she was talking about me and oh saying "they are so unreasonable, they said we could live here so we can afford a deposit and how the hell are we suppose to be that now they've increased the rent?"

I feel upset after hearing that, we didn't increase the rent to be spiteful and we only added an extra £30, and paying £150 a month for 3 people living here is less than what they would probably be paying if they were renting.

If they would prefer to move out then they could and there would be no ill feeling towards either of them. We bought her a brand new pushchair and cot too before the baby was born and I just feel she is being so ungrateful.

Kaida Tue 04-Jun-13 14:54:55

Anonimum, in your DS's GF's mother's shoes, I would certainly not be sending money or support. She's presumably about 23 herself, as your son is. I would be thinking she should bloody well be supporting herself, and if you're enough of a mug to do so, more fool you.

That sounds harsh, and I'm sure you have your reasons for babying your son, but I'm amazed you think your son's 23-ish year old gf's parents should talk to you to work out some sort of support for her - she's an adult, more than old enough to sort herself out.

kelli10 Tue 04-Jun-13 14:46:28

I think you have been very supportive and perhaps it's time to all sit down and discuss how things are going and if everyone is still happy with the arrangements.

I know I couldn't have coped without help from my Mum and I'm 30. I think it's just about making sure everyone is on the same page.

It's bound to be more difficult to approach things with an in law rather than your own parent. I'm sure she was just letting her mouth run away with her rather than actually thinking that the £30 increase was unreasonable.

If you're happy for them to continue living with you then tell them so. Explain that you have no choice but to ask for more money but that you understand that this might change how they feel about staying (not that they'll fnd anywhere cheaper, my food bill is more than this per month). Give them the opportunity to tell you how their plans are progressing. Maybe things aren't moving as fast as she would like and is feeling peeved that they haven't made more progress towards independence. I know that when my OH and I lived with his parents, we didn't save anything. All we did was live a life that we couldn't afford. Maybe that's part of the issue here. It's expensive being a SAHM. Activities and coffees don't come cheap. Perhaps she's annoyed with herself but is deflecting.

Pootles2010 Tue 04-Jun-13 14:00:13

I think you're mad too - how are they meant to grow up if you're still treating them like children? Turf them out, it'll be doing them a massive favour.

Veryunsure Tue 04-Jun-13 13:50:07

I would write down all the household bills and divide it then give it to her so she knows exactly how much everything costs and what a good deal she's getting!!

BegoniaBampot Tue 04-Jun-13 13:42:58

Anonimum. Yes you are a mug. Maybe I would do the same in your shoes but that would still make me a mug.

scarletforya Tue 04-Jun-13 13:25:54

It was a 'planned' baby but they've nowhere to live and only one wage and are moaning that £150 a month is too much?

They have a rude awakening ahead of them when they leave home.

You must be mad letting them all live in your house. They need to get out and start learning a few lessons from the University of Life.

squeakytoy Tue 04-Jun-13 12:07:51

"I do wonder if 'mug' is printed on my forehead! If the other ds and big dd move their partners in, me and dh will get a bedsit."

I know you have posted on an old thread here Anon, but yes you are a mug. Who owns the house you live in? Take control and tell the freeloading adults to move out!

anonimum Tue 04-Jun-13 12:04:35

We have 2 ds's both 23 and 2 dd's 18 and 14. all at home. The two ds's finished Uni last year, one is doing a further degree, the other trying to get work as an artist. The artist moved home from Uni with artist gf last June. For 7 months they paid absolutely nothing and now (after asking) we get 15% from the little paid work the ds and gf gets (averaging £20 per week, so a token really - but all they can afford). I cook every night for all 7 of us (and work too). Funny, I kept expecting the gf's parents to send some token financial support to her (did they not wonder how she was feeding herself?!) but nothing. So this is a bit of a request, when your children are still financially dependent, but because of circumstance (or love, or both) end-up living with their gf/bf's parents, please don't assume that the other parents can or should provide all the financial support that child needs - and at least talk to the other parents to see if they are OK with the situation and acknowledge the issue. The gf's dm came to visit - and instead of taking us out to dinner, thought it would be 'nice' to eat at ours, and a bunch of flowers and bottle of plonk does not make up for caring for her child for free. Its not just food, drink, lodging and bills, its every family trip to cinema/meal out etc as we obviously include her with the family. It is hard to not feel some resentment, even when you love them, (especially if they have used all the eggs in a lunchtime omelette!) and I do wonder if 'mug' is printed on my forehead! If the other ds and big dd move their partners in, me and dh will get a bedsit.

BooCanary Sun 03-Feb-13 14:06:36

I agree that £150pm is ridiculously reasonable. They wouldn't even be able to buy their own food pm for that.

However, maybe the Gf doesn't want to live with OP, and it's OPs DS who wants to. I can tell you that I wouldn't pay £150pm to live with my ILs or indeed my DM & DF. In fact, I wouldn't live with them if they paid ME £150pm. And they're actually all nice people!

I have plenty of friends who lived with their ILs at one point or another, and the majority of them HATED it. I don't expect the ILs liked it much either! It's a recipe for seething resentment and ill feeling IMO.

mrsjay Sun 03-Feb-13 13:41:18

ANBU, but she's... what, 22 or thereabouts? I was a clueless twat at that age too

but she does have a baby I had a baby at 22 it kinda makes you grow up a bit , saying that she was just having a whinge we all do that whatever age you are grin

JesusInTheCabbageVan Sun 03-Feb-13 13:26:58

YANBU, but she's... what, 22 or thereabouts? I was a clueless twat at that age too grin

DontmindifIdo Sun 03-Feb-13 13:13:07

True Maddening, but then they've had 7 months to save...

maddening Sun 03-Feb-13 13:08:27

Just to note the maternity benefit is about to run out.

elizaregina Sun 03-Feb-13 12:56:59

"They are grown up enough to choose to have a baby, they need to take on adult responsibilities too"

They seemed according to op MORE THAN HAPPY to take on adult responsiilites it was op who said move in with me.

Youcanringmybell Sun 03-Feb-13 12:25:55

Bloody hell!

I really think you should have a word with your son and gf..just explain the costs of running a house to them and make them see what a bloody cheek she has for moaning.

You sound wonderful and generous. How ungrateful angry

DontmindifIdo Sun 03-Feb-13 12:00:55

Me too ImperialBlether !!! I just reckon the OP should start having those sorts of reality check conversations with her DS. She should stop thinking of them as 'poor young things' and think about how much they have coming in compared to going out and if they aren't saving at that sort of rate, how many years will she be expected to 'keep' them.

ImperialBlether Sun 03-Feb-13 11:57:03

DontmindifIdo - I would bet everything I own that they have not saved £10,000.

scottishmummy Sun 03-Feb-13 11:55:26

actually £150 pm is v reasonable.certainly not market rates

ubik Sun 03-Feb-13 11:51:18

DP and I lived together in a one room basement in Lewisham, £50/week - but that was about 16 years ago. It taught us the real cost of living though as neither of us earned much.

My sister has moved out of parents home aged 30 and her partner has done the same. They both gave good jobs -she is earning £25,000+ he is on £40,000! They are staggered by the cost of things;, food, power, new kitchens etc they really had no idea.

I would be tempted to help them find somewhere to rent and let them get on with it. They are grown up enough to choose to have a baby, they need to take on adult responsibilities too. At the moment you have a house of expensive large children and one small one.

DontmindifIdo Sun 03-Feb-13 11:50:28

OP - thinking about this some more, do you have a figure for what they are aiming to save before moving out and also an idea of how much they are saving a month? Look at it this way, if your GDC is 7 months old, assuming they had no savings before hand and any spare cash prior to the birth went on buying things for the baby before it arrived my calculations would be:

She gets approx £586 a month in SMP plus £81 in child benefit. You said he was on a 'good money' so I've assumed £23k, just below the national average. That means his take home pay is arround £1,500 a month. Take off £100 a month for pension contributions and £400 in travel costs a month that leaves him £1k a month coming in. So that's £1667 a month coming in - their expenses are £150 a month to you, nappies (approx £40 a month depending on where they shop), phone contracts (assume £20 each a month) - that means they have a disposable income of £1437 - and they've had that for 7 months, so realistically could easily have already saved the best part of £10k. (Obviously, he might be earning less as different people have very different ideas of what 'good money' is)

I think you need to get some idea of what "deposit" means to them - is it £20k, £30k? How much have they already managed to save and how long do they therefore think it will take them to get to their target?

It's also worth checking that she agreed with the living with you idea or if your DS is the one pushing for it, whereas she'd prefer to rent somewhere and be independent. If she doesn't like it and has had to be convinced by your DS to do this, then I can see why she might be less 'grateful' if she feels she's been railroaded into this by her DP.

pictish Sun 03-Feb-13 11:22:09

I would be good natured but firm about it.
We DO all bitch to mates.

There's no need to fall out...just out her straight. She'll be mortified, which settles the score nicely.

It's all fine.

TheDoctrineOfSciAndNatureClub Sun 03-Feb-13 11:11:10

She was having a moan to a friend. All of us moan about things we are generally grateful for and happy with eg jobs, husbands etc

tiredemma Sun 03-Feb-13 11:11:07

I agree with Pictish. Tell her that you heard and that you feel she may need to know where the £150 per month goes.

Tell her you are doing her a favour because when she does move into her own place- she will realise that £150 a month would barely cover the gas and electric bill.

Indulged or what????

pumpkinsweetie Sun 03-Feb-13 11:08:49

Op, you sound like a lovely mum & mil.
I think you have done enough to help them, what with letting them live with you for such a small amount of money aswell as buy them a fair share of baby products.

Averaging per week, you are asking for around £33 pw. That is very reasonable, infact very low amount to be asking considering you will be paying more in utility bills, and food with them all there.

Your dil sounds very spoilt & ungrateful.
She is lucky to be in the position where she has a roof over her family's head for a little more than 30 quid a week and to have extra cash to save to get a decent place ready.

I would have a polite word with them & if they are unhappy with their cushty arrangment, maybe it would be time for them both to fly the nest.

pictish Sun 03-Feb-13 11:05:07

If I were you I'd just tell her outright that you overheard what she said.
Have a copy of bills and other outgoings and show them to her, and let her work it out for herself and apologise to you.
You tell her the digs are going up, and then you let it drop and don't bear a grudge.

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