AIBU to not expect my daughter to have to go to A&E following playdate?(186 Posts)
Ok will try and explain all without dripfeeding but have been made to feel i am BU so looking for opinions...
DD age 8 went to a friends house - there were to be 4 girls. Unknown to me there were also 4 older boys going. Whilst there apparently there was play fighting with wooden swords. This escalated and my DD decided she no longer want to play and went into another bedroom with one of the other girls (lets say A).
This led to the 6 other children swearing at my child and calling her names.
At this point the father of A who had turned up early went upstairs. He witnessed the boys with the wooden sword and told them to be careful. The girls would not tell him what was wrong but did not want to play with the others and were very quiet.
They then came down and asked A's dad to take them home.
When he dropped DD off he stated that he didn't think things had gone very well and that his DD was very upset. When DD got undressed her legs were bruised, bleeding and hugely swollen. My husband took her to A&E where it turns out she has a chipped kneecap.
The following day i get a sheepish phonecall from the host's mother asking if my DD was ok as the girl's all seemed "tense" with each other. I told her what had happened. She said she would look into it. I was perfectly reasonable but said i was unhappy with what had taken place.
As it turns out the phone call was prompted by A's dad calling her and complaining about the same thing....
I left it at that.
I then get an email saying that none of it ever happened and basically calling my daughter a liar. I know that what DD is telling me is true as not only does she have the injuries, the swear words she told me were used are very particular and these children have apparently used these in the past. A's dad also went upstairs several times and what he says correlates with the version i have been told.
The host's mum does not know that A's dad has spoken to me.
So after being lambasted in an email was i really being U when asked if my DD was ok to say no? Apparently her children swearing
although she says now that it didn't happen is them experimenting and exploring words.
FWIW another child apparently broke their nose that evening!!!
OP - I can understand why you are struggling with this. You do seem to be rolling over and let this woman walk over you daughter and yourself but if you are shy and non confrontational, new and don't want to rock the boat for your daughter, then it's not so easy. Crap position to be in. I'd be so furious though, I don't know if I could let it rest without blowing a blood vessel.
I would log it with the police too. More because I imagine note was taken of the injuries at the hospital and you need to cover your arse...
Astonishing response from other mother. She should be mortified and apologetic and furious with her children and herself. So sorry that your dd had such a nasty playdate and got injured,
Just as an aside, how did she get your email address? I am very surprised at using email as a form of communication between parents of children on a playdate. Hope that isn't expected theses days!
butterfingerz no she will never be playing there again.
lashings the girl, who was swearing (only boys hitting or who had the swords) apologised to my DD for swearing
even though the mother, unaware of the apology denied there was any and fortunately my DD is a very popular child so day to day in school there is no problem.
I am just astounded that this woman is acting like I am making a big deal out of what she calls "horseplay" .
Oh sminkopinko every year has a class rep who holds all contact details.
Sadly this woman is the class rep....
I don't know why she won't speak to me, when I tried to call her just kept going to voicemail.
She then replied via email.
I think social services would be interested in this for definate.
This is at best a case of inadequate supervision, that amount of children just being allowed to run riot and the issue not even being addressed when bought to her attention is utterly negligent.
sminko our school hands out contact details (phone and email) for all the parents in the class at the start of the year. I often arrange playdates via email (obviosuly wouldn't deal with a situation like this via email though!).
I think It'sAll makes a good point. What did they say at the hospital?
I'd also be complaining about the hospital then! Not bothered about an 8-year old who has been beaten?! When did this happen?
Last week! Which is why I was surprised to get this email out of the blue. She has had all week to tackle me in person but has gone out of her way to avoid me.
Drop off times are flexible where we are (any time 8.15-8.45) so don't bump into people all the time.
My DH said it was full in A&E so maybe they were just too busy?
Seriously- speak to your local childrens services. The fact this woman is the class rep and holds peoples contact details is even more worrying
Your poor daughter!
I think you've shown remarkable restraint. I wouldn't have been able to help myself from going round to their house and asking for an explanation. I appreciate you don't like confrontation and your daughter is friends with the girl but I don't think it is acceptable to let the other mum rewrite history. Could someone else go with you to speak to her? Either the other parents (as someone else suggested) or your oh, or a friend?
I just dread to think what might happen next if her children feel this behaviour is acceptable. It might not be your daughter next time (as presumably you won't let her attend a playdate again) but its unlikely her children will exercise retraint in future if they're allowed to break bones and have no repercussions.
How do you feel it would go if you and A's dad turned up on her doorstep together and asked to talk it through?
It's obviously an outrageous situation, but I think getting police involved is a bit over the top.
The mother must be a bit of a nut job. Who has 8 children over and lets them run riot without checking? Games can get quickly OTT (I imagine broken fingers in slammed doors could happen fairly easily) but her denying any problem is quite ridiculous. Maybe she is feeling guilty as hell and it's her
warped and twisted way of dealing with it.
i have read the last p and first so sorry if repeating. I don't always police every child at my house and suppose something like this could happen but my response would be to be mortified if anyone got injured like this rather than defensive - although my older kids are really responsible girls not sword wielding boys.
What do you want her to do op? Personally I would consider seeing what As dad wants also because if you make a fuss and he backs down you may get nowhere and it could get very difficult at school if she is class rep. If she isn't going to get them to apologise I would just try a little bit more and then never let my child go there again and distance myself from her. I see little point in going any further than that but be thankful you have found out about this before your kids spent too much time there.
Oh god @email contact being the norm! I shall pretend to be a luddite when daughter starts primary!
Don't you find it a bit strange that child a's father we upstairs 4/5 times and didn't really do anything about it, something must have made him go up yet he didn't act. I think I would want more info from him aswell.
Can I ask was it just boys with spoons/swords or girls aswell
Footface he did not intervene as by the time he went up my DD and his had separated themselves. He kept asking if they were ok but they wouldn't say what was wrong. He said they were ok playing together. He also suggested the mother check what the the others were doing but she did not bother. He said he couldn't really discipline her children in her house t tht point - as in they were then separate from our girls and he was unaware of the injury at that time. fWIW his wife did give him a bit of a berating when she found out!
It was just boys with the swords - one of the other two girls was swearing (the hosts daughter).
I guess I feel like manitz has described. That I'm not going to get through to her, I can't make her see how that behaviour is not acceptable as she is obviously going to maintain that I am overprotective. Apparently she has been spinning that line to A's parents for years and during issues that they have had in the past (which I have only just discovered) she has always refused to accept any responsibility.
I keep thinking that all I can do is just not allow my DD to go round there again.
Whilst really I am fuming.
I can't see if you've said how old the boys were? Apologies if I've missed it. If they are under 10, then unfortunately the Police aren't able to do anything as they are deemed incapable of committing a crime. If they are over 10, it needs to be considered whether they knew what they were doing was wrong (surely they would realise you don't hit younger girls, or in fact anyone across the knees with wooden swords?) If over 14, they are considered to know that what they are doing is wrong.
Depending on their ages, I would be considering reporting to the police given the disgraceful response from the host mother.
Boys or girls...... it doesn't matter, my year 6 DS wouldn't dream of behaving like the boys in the OP......the kids sound wild, it's not a boy girl thing, hitting with wooden swords until a person is bleeding is insane, the mother is strange and I would be knocking on her door right now and forcing her to acknowledge what has happened.
MOS they are year 5 so not quite sure what age that is - possibly some may be 10?
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