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AIBU to not expect my daughter to have to go to A&E following playdate?

(186 Posts)
WileyRoadRunner Fri 01-Feb-13 14:01:38

Ok will try and explain all without dripfeeding but have been made to feel i am BU so looking for opinions...

DD age 8 went to a friends house - there were to be 4 girls. Unknown to me there were also 4 older boys going. Whilst there apparently there was play fighting with wooden swords. This escalated and my DD decided she no longer want to play and went into another bedroom with one of the other girls (lets say A).

This led to the 6 other children swearing at my child and calling her names.

At this point the father of A who had turned up early went upstairs. He witnessed the boys with the wooden sword and told them to be careful. The girls would not tell him what was wrong but did not want to play with the others and were very quiet.

They then came down and asked A's dad to take them home.

When he dropped DD off he stated that he didn't think things had gone very well and that his DD was very upset. When DD got undressed her legs were bruised, bleeding and hugely swollen. My husband took her to A&E where it turns out she has a chipped kneecap.

The following day i get a sheepish phonecall from the host's mother asking if my DD was ok as the girl's all seemed "tense" with each other. I told her what had happened. She said she would look into it. I was perfectly reasonable but said i was unhappy with what had taken place.

As it turns out the phone call was prompted by A's dad calling her and complaining about the same thing....

I left it at that.

I then get an email saying that none of it ever happened and basically calling my daughter a liar. I know that what DD is telling me is true as not only does she have the injuries, the swear words she told me were used are very particular and these children have apparently used these in the past. A's dad also went upstairs several times and what he says correlates with the version i have been told.

The host's mum does not know that A's dad has spoken to me.

So after being lambasted in an email was i really being U when asked if my DD was ok to say no? Apparently her children swearing although she says now that it didn't happen is them experimenting and exploring words.

FWIW another child apparently broke their nose that evening!!!

Hassled Fri 01-Feb-13 14:23:00

Agree you have to wonder how bad things would have to be before the mother thought they might be getting out of control - it sounds like some sort of Lord of the Flies scenario. I think emailing back nothing but a photo of your DD's knee is the way to go.

DigWeedSow Fri 01-Feb-13 14:27:23

It makes you wonder if the mother was actually there while all of this was happening and has just gone with her DC's version of events. I agree that a strongly worded email with photos of your DD's knee might just help her understand the seriousness of the situation.

FunnysInLaJardin Fri 01-Feb-13 14:30:54

balls I don't think you need to be able to see or hear children of this age all of the time. DS1's best friend lives in a huge house with his 3 siblings and I'm sure their mother can't see/hear them all the time. The thing is though they are lovely children who would never behave like this. That I think is the key. I don't know any yr 5 children who would hurt other children so badly that bones got broken. The children the OP refers to were clearly anything but lovely

FunnysInLaJardin Fri 01-Feb-13 14:31:24

btw DS1 is 7 and his friends siblings range from 3-9

Thumbwitch Fri 01-Feb-13 14:32:46

YANBU at all!
I (yes I'm PFB and possibly completely overreacting) would consider calling the non-emergency police number and asking for advice - she's bringing up unchecked thugs, I can't see them suddenly working out of their own accord that they shouldn't do stuff like that to other children/people!

EugenesAxe Fri 01-Feb-13 14:40:07

Patently YANBU - the host mother sounds an arse.

hmm at 'exploring words' - why don't you call her up and say she's a 'neglectful, blinkered, ill-mannered witch'. Then when she complains you can give her the same excuse.

BTW I don't get the gist of that email - would you explain?

GrimmaTheNome Fri 01-Feb-13 14:41:04

>Sounds like someone is covering their arse in case of law suit.

yeah, something like that - methinks the lady doth protest too much.
And then to call your DD a liar...adding insult to injury all too literally.

GrimmaTheNome Fri 01-Feb-13 14:43:04

>I agree that a strongly worded email with photos of your DD's knee might just help her understand the seriousness of the situation.

yes, and drop in something about what A's dad said.

MolehillAlchemy Fri 01-Feb-13 14:44:11

Boys with wooden swords? That wasn't going to end well!

It's a rough-and-tumble age though isn't it? Thinking back to my childhood, if a group of my 8-year-old friends played with group of older brothers, then it would probably end up with bruises and scuffed knees. Especially if they were armed with swords.

The mother outright denying it instead of apologising is weird though. Is she a lawyer or married to one?

Flyonthewindscreen Fri 01-Feb-13 14:48:50

In the absence of any apology I would be tempted to phone the non emergency police number but you may not want the school gates fall out. I can't believe this woman is denying what happened when there is a chipped bone! My DS completely accidentally broke another child's nose once. I was mortified (as was DS) and had a long talk with the child's mother about how it happened (which I think was what she really wanted) as well as taking a get well card and a present over and asking how he was until recovered. Thats how most normal parents would react if their child was involved in breaking another child's bone.

tethersend Fri 01-Feb-13 14:49:19

If the other mother doesn't know what happened, then it's a mystery.

Unexplained injuries on a child require police and ss involvement.

5madthings Fri 01-Feb-13 14:51:08

Bloody hell how did she get that hurt without the realizing?! She must have screamed/cried/called out when they were hitting her.

Mine play with wooden swords but they hit the other child's swords they don't hit each other iyswim?

Serious lack of supervision.

Do you have photos of her injuries? I would email them to the parent, I font know who you could report this to as the boys are under the age if legal responsibility? But this is not OK!

IAmNotAMindReader Fri 01-Feb-13 14:51:34

I'm sorry this happened to your daughter and really don't know what to advise you.
It is assault and you certainly have enough evidence to ask the police for further guidance. Criminal responsibility is reached at the age of 10 so it is possible these older boys could be investigated by the police. I'm not saying it would lead to a prosecution but a caution or at least a stern talking to is a possibility. They may still be young enough to learn from it (as in not completely blinkered by the mothers attitude).

However I have to say I don't think aprroaching the mother any further will do any good. If they have the we can do no wrong attitude, they will turn it round on you and accuse you of lying, victimisation and harrassment. This is another reason why I think it may be useful to have a chat with the local police to see how you may be able to proceed.

StiffyByng Fri 01-Feb-13 14:52:32

If my Yr5 DS caused an injury like that, I would be furious with him. It's entirely unacceptable.

ShephardsDelight Fri 01-Feb-13 14:52:58

A chipped Kneecap? a broken nose?

Bloody Hell, what went on that is horrific, your poor DD and that other kid, hope she's okay now.
I can't believe they labelled you a liar, how did they explain the injuries then?

blondecat Fri 01-Feb-13 15:00:42

Over here it would be a stern talk and written apology. If not lawyers and police

We all have to carry insurance policies in case someone slips on a toy dropped by DD

DoctorAnge Fri 01-Feb-13 15:02:22

That is horrific

CheeseandPickledOnion Fri 01-Feb-13 15:03:34

I'm with Thumbwitch. That's awful and I'd be looking to report that somewhere.

OutragedFromLeeds Fri 01-Feb-13 15:11:10

Are they all from the same school? How much older were the boys? Do you know the parents of the other children?

The host mother is clearly an idiot, but something needs to be done. I wouldn't leave it, I'd speak to either the school, the other parents or the police. Or maybe all 3.

ConferencePear Fri 01-Feb-13 15:13:05

I think that you should involve the police.
Firstly to teach your daughter that she does not have to put up with being assaulted and secondly, to teach these boys for their own sake that they simply cannot behave like this.

Timetoask Fri 01-Feb-13 15:20:39

Scared of what these boys will be like when they become teenager and adults!
If the father of A wouldn't have arrived early, what would have happened?

I would contact the police, just to give these boys the fright of their lives so that they think before they act in future.

WileyRoadRunner Fri 01-Feb-13 16:26:42

I didn't want to contact the police, all in all my DD is fine, just a bit upset. The hospital said they could offer her crutches but that children rarely use them.

I was just surprised to receive an email that instead of apologising went down a whole different route. I haven't/ don't intend to respond to it but my child will never be going there again.

I have spoken to both A's mum and dad since. It seems they received a similar response. Odd that she says she didn't hear/see any crying when A's father went up 4/5 times to see what was happening. DD is very resilient, she said she cried but then they sought refuge in another room.

It was awkward for her as it was the two children that live there who were swearing/hurt her. I did not outright say that to the mother as I wanted to give her the chance to just apologise and give her children a stern talking to. plus we are stuck with each other now.

The email said that all the other parents put it down to horseplay and that A's father was there and didn't hear anything - which is odd as he says it was chaos and went up multiple times. However he didn't intervene as my DD and his were in a different room and were just quiet.

WileyRoadRunner Fri 01-Feb-13 16:29:55

Oh and thank you all for confirming that I am not being PFB ... I was beginning to think that after I received that email out of the blue.

All in all I think that all the parents have been spun different stories from the mother to avoid her/ her children actually being forced to take any responsibility for what happened.

OutragedFromLeeds Fri 01-Feb-13 16:30:48

bleeding, bruised, swollen legs and a chipped kneecap is not 'fine', (at least not in any dictionary I've ever looked at).

SomeKindOfDeliciousBiscuit Fri 01-Feb-13 16:34:51


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