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AIBU to wonder where the man I married had gone?

(31 Posts)
Reaa Fri 01-Feb-13 13:31:12

When I married him 12yrs ago, he was kind, caring and loving. He has now been replaced by a moaning, lazy (in the house) moody bastard who only manages to speak to me when saying things like "give me a blow job" "go sort the kids out" "why have you not done this or this" or his latest one when I ask if he can give me a hand with something "I'm tired".
I'm tired too ffs we have 6 kids to look after, a house to organise, kids have after school clubs to be dropped off and picked up from and I work from home but have not had anytime for work this week as housework as taken so long.
AIBU just want him to at least make sure kids stay in bed while I treat myself to a nice hot bath?

valiumredhead Fri 01-Feb-13 13:33:25

How do you respond when he demands a blow job?


FastidiaBlueberry Fri 01-Feb-13 13:34:42

No you're not being unreasonable.

Work out how much leisure time you have and how much leisure time he has and if it's not equal, it needs to be re-allocated.

If you are doing housework in your paid work time, you are going to lose your job. Don't do it. It's not your job to, it's everyone who lives in the house, according to their abilities. (So obviously a six year old should do less than a 13 year old, a child less than an adult, a disabled person less than an able bodied person etc.)

He sounds like he thinks you're not quite as human as him, you're a cross between a useful domestic appliance and a masturbatory aid. Sounds like you need to briskly remind him that that's not the case.

HappyGoLuckyGirl Fri 01-Feb-13 13:39:29


He should do his fair share of the housework and looking after the kids.

Tell him you're going away with the girls for a weekend to relax as you can't get any de-stress time at home because he never helps out!

HappyGoLuckyGirl Fri 01-Feb-13 13:40:47

He sounds like he thinks you're not quite as human as him, you're a cross between a useful domestic appliance and a masturbatory aid. Sounds like you need to briskly remind him that that's not the case.


Reaa Fri 01-Feb-13 13:45:09

I work for myself and I'm supposed to be working for him too and he has said he will give me a wage but I never have the time so I don't get paid, I have to ask him if I can go to the shop and buy milk and bread, I just want to be able to go out and get the milk and bread when it's needed, I have tried talking to him, crying, shouting, I really don't think he cares about me anymore, the me that I am not the me that magically keeps everyone/everything together. i feel like my life and myself is just falling apart. He comes home from work sits down and stays there until bedtime.

Reaa Fri 01-Feb-13 13:48:47

I feel like I don't have friends anymore they gave up asking me out a long time ago as I never had the time to go anywhere and if I did I would get smart remarks like "did you forget to dust the ceiling or just could not be arsed".

What has my life become, it's just so shit ATM.

manicbmc Fri 01-Feb-13 13:49:17

You have to ask him if you can go to the shops?

manicbmc Fri 01-Feb-13 13:50:19

Reaa, take a deep breath and type it all out.

From what you have posted so far, YANBU at all and he sounds like a caveman at best.

Reaa Fri 01-Feb-13 13:52:26

Sorry everyone, this has just been building for months don't mean to drip feed. I just keep thinking it must me me all the time, I must be doing something wrong.

manicbmc Fri 01-Feb-13 14:03:53

How can you be doing something wrong, when you seem to be doing everything and he does nothing bar go to work?

Can you talk to him about a fairer division of labour or will that result in him getting all defensive and sulky?

WMDinthekitchen Fri 01-Feb-13 14:08:29

When will some men learn that full participation in family life is the best afrodisiac there is?

Reaa Fri 01-Feb-13 14:22:36

He does not see why he should help out in the house when I get "paid" to look after the house and children, by paid he means I have a roof over my head, clothes, food etc and everything thing I want to do is just another one of my daft ideas.

I'm good at what I do and have made money from doing so but now I can't continue what I love doing as everything else has taken over. I keep wondering if our marriage is over or if I should just do everything like I would if he was not around but include an evening class for myself and use my older children to babysit rather than involve DH.

Piercy Fri 01-Feb-13 14:36:39

Your life sounded like mine over 6 years ago - I married a man that was fun, happy to go out, do stuff round the house - then we married and gradually over time it all changed.

I had curfews to be in by, PJ's left downstairs to change in to if I came in after he had gone to bed which had to be done in the dark, all housework chores etc were my responsibility but then he wouldn't wash my car when he did his own "your car you look after it".

Like you I tried to talk to him, scream at him, ignore him nothing worked - at the time when I was talking to him he was sat on the sofa I was kneeling on the floor and he put the palm of his hand up and put it in my face and told me to "f* off" I knew all respect had gone and it was time to part our ways, in fact he caught me looking at houses to buy and said "ha you can't afford to leave"

I'm not saying this is for you and to be honest his last comment only made me more determined, and I did leave, (more difficult with children), however this is about you.

I would sit down and work out a plan if you did want to separate, get some advise weigh up your options, give it some thought is this what you really want to do? Are their friends you can confide in I found some great support in them. Get some free legal advise about where you stand financially and legally.

Then when you have all your information talk to him maybe kids away so you have the house to yourself and lay it out on the table for him, tell him you are upset, why has he changed, can he not see it, and then see what the response is from there and if he wants to save his marriage

I wish you all the best and every sympathy it is a horrible place to be!


Nanny0gg Fri 01-Feb-13 14:38:10

Why don't you do the work you want to do/that earns you money and sod the housework?
Then save it up so you can get away from this excuse for a partner?

dreamingbohemian Fri 01-Feb-13 14:48:35

"He comes home from work sits down and stays there until bedtime."

So he's useless then, basically.

I think you're right to think about going about life as if he's not in it -- yes, take that class, get the older kids to babysit.

How old are the kids? Can you get them to help around the house more? If you can do more paid work in the day, could you afford a cleaner?

Basically, try to problem-solve as much as possible, ignoring him, until you feel a little less stressed out. When things improve a bit, then you can make some serious decisions about your marriage. You may find that life is easier and happier without him.

MrsTerryPratchett Fri 01-Feb-13 15:06:39

You have seven kids, not six. However, you can get rid of this one. I hope you tell him to shove his blow jobs where the sun don't shine.

ShephardsDelight Fri 01-Feb-13 15:10:54

Oh dear, you sound sad, your life sounds sad and he really is a waste of space make no mistake. You really would be better off without.

Do you have anyone to talk too?

DreamingOfTheMaldives Fri 01-Feb-13 15:11:03

YADNBU and he sounds like a right arse!

manicbmc Fri 01-Feb-13 15:11:30

Or tell him to 'do it himself' grin

maddening Fri 01-Feb-13 15:12:27

I suspect that if you left him then this time next year you would be so much happier.

Joiningthegang Fri 01-Feb-13 15:15:08

He sounds nasty and controlloing - look after uour self and your babies.

Does being with him make you a happier or sadder person?

Good luck x

FastidiaBlueberry Fri 01-Feb-13 15:41:01

Right, so basically he does have a huge sense of entitlement and believes that you're there to service him.

The ONLY reason he can work, is because you are doing all the work of cleaning his house and caring for his children. He is STOPPING you from doing paid work by not doing his fair share. Personally, I would never suck his cock again, but that decision is your's.

And yes, I would agree with whoever said sod the housework, do the paid work, don't do anything for him (laundry, cooking etc.) and save the money you earn so that you have the funds to leave him.

That doesn't mean you have to leave him; just that you will have the power to if you decide that's what you want to do. At the moment it sounds as if you are in a really shit marriage with a really shit man. And you don't have to be, but it sounds like he's one of those entitled men who will only change his ways if he believes that he'll lose his skivvy and wank-sock if he doesn't. You may also find that you don't want to live with a man who has treated you like this, once you have the power to choose not to.

ArielThePiraticalMermaid Fri 01-Feb-13 15:44:37

"Give me a blow job"??????

What does he think you are - some kind of prostitute? Or a maid? This man needs a good fright

Reaa Fri 01-Feb-13 16:53:51

Thank you everyone, to everyone else I have the perfect marriage and people comment about how great he is and they wish they had a man like him, no one knows how unhappy I am, I cry my eyes out indoors and when I'm out the house I act happy and jokey so no one can tell. If I was honest, if I had the money and somewhere to go, I would of gone. I think I'm going to ask him for a trial separation.

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